Marshall Online #3 Profile References an Old Relationship

Profile References an Old Relationship

            After finding a profile of a man you find attractive, you must read his profile.  This is important because here you can find some common interest.  This will help you maintain a relationship of some kind after you get used to his pretty face.   Eventually, you’ll run across a profile that references a past relationship.  His comments could be short, long, negative or positive.  What he states is not relevant. What is relevant is that he stated it. When you run across a profile like this proceed with caution.

            At the outset, I want to clarify what I mean when I say he references a past relationship. This is not saying he is single or happily single; that is not a reference to a relationship. That is just a statement of his relationship status, and he is making a statement about himself isolated.  When he states “just out of a relationship,” or “newly single,” this is a reference to a past relationship; and he is looking at himself within the context of an unseen “other,” who was in his life. 

A reference to a past relationship in all cases is unneeded information. And is not appropriate in initial contact with someone.  His profile is his formal greeting to you and others who stop by to say hello.  A comparison to face to face interaction will make this clear. You are in a bar with some friends. One of your friends has invited a man who works with him and he is introduced.  Typically we’d say: hello it’s nice to meet you.  What if he replied with: “Its nice to meet you. I’m newly single.” Or “Nice meeting you too, i’m here because I just ended a relationship.”  We’d think this was odd. But mostly we would wonder if we would spend the rest of the evening talking about that relationship.

            For all references to the past relationship, I ask: why is he doing this?  Who is this comment for? Is it for readers of the profile or for the ex-boyfriend?  In some cases it is to readers of the profile, and these have their own special meanings.  In all cases, it is a comment to the ex-boyfriend.

Subtle Reference: Whenever I see information that isn’t needed, I question it.  Sometimes the reference is slight and seemingly unimportant, and will go unnoticed.  These subtle references appear like “newly single,” or “just out of a relationship.”  These appear just as normal stats and normal information. However, what is required for your relationship status is simply single or partnered. Nothing more. By adding “newly” he qualifies “single;” it points to a past relationship.  Its not just: I’m single; it is: I was in a relationship, now I’m not.

When you come across this kind of reference proceed with caution.  You will be chatting and getting to know someone who still identifies himself in the context of another person. And he doesn’t realize this.  In the future you could possibly become his confidant, and counselor. You are neither. You are someone new in his life.  He should take about the past with his closest friends and seek a trained counselor for professional help if he needs it.  With you, he should set this all aside and have fun and relax.  And get to know you better, and reveal things in time.

            So why the added information?

            I think it is complex and no one size fits all answer will work. But generally speaking, any reference to a past relationship reveals he is still there in that relationship.  Emotionally, or mentally. I’m not suggesting that he should ignore that he was in a relationship.  But by referencing the past, he isn’t moving on.  After a relationship, I believe we need to see ourselves as independent of that person. So when I create or update my profile, I do that as me and me alone. My ex has no place in it any more. As he has no place in my life anymore.  So the general answer is he is still involved in that relationship emotionally or mentally in someway or another.

It could be that it occupies his mind a great deal.   I think for a time after a relationship is over it does indeed occupy our minds.  But we try to put it in place and control it, so that we can create our independent self again.

            Another general reason he does this is to speak to the ex. He isn’t talking to us with this reference, he is talking to his ex and makes his comment to get a response for the ex. 

Positive Reference: If what he says seems positive (just out of a relationship, he’s a great guy and I love him dearly but it didn’t work out, I wish him the best,) don’t be caught up in it.  This is directed at ex and to new readers for different reasons.

He says this so the ex can know how he feels.  This suggest that he is still holding on to the feelings he has for the man and not looking at the status of the relationship.  The relationship is over, your feelings are not important. They don’t change the status of the relationship.  Feelings of love remain after a relationship is over and focusing on them, to me, is not accepting the end has come.  He isn’t looking at the break up or the reasons for the break up: he is only looking at the love he has. It’s denial or avoidance.  To the ex he is saying: I still love you. As if this could change the break up. He wants him to know he is still here; he still loves him; he is saying: if you change your mind, we can get back together, my love is still strong.

 Relationships end and we still feel emotions for our former boyfriend.  That’s normal; that’s ok and healthy.  But we keep these feelings to ourselves and only share them with our closest friends—we do not share it with the world.  This helps us to reestablish ourselves as independent people, to accept the end of the breakup and deal with the emotions of the break up in focused and healthy ways. 

These positive comments are not only directed at the ex boyfriend but they are directed at us too.  Whereas to the ex it suggest the possibility of reuniting, to us it suggest a higher level of maturity.  We should read this and think: oh that’s so wonderful how he is not bitter or mad.   He is posing.  He is putting up a front and hiding.  If he is hiding it from us or himself is never clear by just looking at the profile. But it matters little which it is, the common denominator is that he is hiding and posing. He is trying to make someone see him as valiant and mature.  Showing us that he is rising above feelings of bitterness and anger, to feelings of acceptance and understanding.  Be cautious: bitterness and anger always make an appearance.

When you see these positive references you should proceed with caution.  You could become involved with someone who is still acknowledging his feelings for someone else, which means you are second. And at anytime, if the old boyfriend comes back, you are gone.  Also, he could be using you as a substitute for the ex.  This happens often in a physical way.  Two people break up and they run out and have a few one night stands.  They are filling the empty part of the bed with someone; they are not becoming sexual knights they are fighting loneliness.  The same is true on line and with emotional relationships.  But mostly you go forward cautiously because he has not identified himself outside of the relationship. And that means, he won’t identify you as a possible partner.

            Negative Reference:  These references come in direct and veiled statements. 

He could post something like, “just got my heart broken so I’m taking my time.”   This is a direct and clearly pointed at the ex not at you. He is letting his ex know how hurt he is.  Also, he is bringing others into his pain. He wants people to know what that man did to him.  Friends of the ex who come across the profile will read it; he hopes they will see what he sees and know his ex for the jerk he is.   In these cases the anger is clouding his thinking. It’s ok to feel angry at the end of relationships and to express it. But when it is express as a part of an introduction it suggests the person isn’t controlling his anger.  If this were a face to face initial contact and he said: Oh nice to meet you, I recently had my heart trampled on,” you’d walk away.

The veiled negative reference is for me a troublesome one.  You’ll find it in things like “I thought he was the one but he turned out not to be.” This is at times followed by the “oh well you live and learn,” statement.   These veiled negative references are complex and are so troublesome that I just move on from his profile and do not initiate any contact.

 “I thought he was the one but he turned out not to be, it was just not meant to be,” this statement doesn’t seem negative.   It seems like he is being understanding, that the relationship just wasn’t meant to be.  The universe just said this isn’t a good relationship, it should end.  It appears that he isn’t blaming anyone for the end.  But that’s not the case.  It is the final part of the statement that says he is being understanding.  But the final part of the statement is an ad on.  It is tossed in to not sound bitter.  The first part is the most important and reveals that he actually blames the ex boyfriend for the relationship not working out. He says, “he turned out not to be.” He turned out to be disappointing, or not what the man was really looking for in a partner.  “He turned out not to be” the one. I was the ex.  This is blaming.

It bothers me because a relationship’s end is due to many factors.  As we look back at a relationship we will find many reasons why we ended it. Every negative thing about our ex boyfriend will be remembered and focused on.  But we also look and see mistakes we made in the relationship. It seems to me that a profile with “he turned out not to be” the one suggest that all the blame lies on someone else.  I wonder if he will always put the blame on others for other things as well.

“Oh well we live and learn,” is also a veiled negative statement.  It is implied that  something was bad in the relationship that is worthy of becoming a life lesson.  I dislike this. It not only reduces the entire relationship to a life lesson, but it has a tone of superiority. It removes the emotions of anger and bitterness, and says oh I’ve learned, I’m better now.  It is all fake and posing.  He has risen above petty things and is fine. 

With all the negative references, you should proceed cautiously. However, if you choose not to initiate contact with someone who’s profile has a negative reference, it is ok and you need not fell guilty.  In time you can come back to the profile and see if he has updated and removed the negativity.

All profiles with references to a past relationship should be looked at cautiously.  These references indicate anger at the ex boyfriend that is not being dealt with in the right ways. It could reveal the man has not yet started reestablishing his independence and is still seeing himself connected to the ex.  A reference to a past relationship brings the ex boyfriend into the room, where he should not be.  

Online Etiquette Rule #2 Picking Your Profile Pictures

Picking Profile Pictures

A Guide

            I once was chatting with a man who had an in person date with someone he had been chatting with.  The date didn’t go well; apparently the date thought my buddy was someone else.   The date said, I thought you were someone else, someone I had met in person before.  What the date meant was: You don’t look like your picture.  I had online stalked the guy and found his Facebook account, so I knew the picture he had on the gay site wasn’t what he looked like now. So, I asked him: “Does your photo look like you.” He replied: “It’s me.”  In not answering the question, he answered it.  And he knows he doesn’t look like it.   I’m sure it was him—ten years ago.  But it isn’t him now.  Unfortunately, it is a lie.

            When you set up your profile, you’ll want to find the best pictures of yourself to show to others.  You must be honest and show photos that so how you look right now. There are a few rules that must be followed in choosing the right photos; stepping outside of the rules could indicate to anyone who meets you in person, that you are a liar.

            Rule 1:  Keep your photos recent in years.   Photos that are over two years old are not recent.  I’d go as far as saying, over one year old.  This means that you must update your profile from time to time keeping those photos as recent as possible. You don’t have to do it more than once a year.  But I suggest a few times a year.  Not only do you accurately show how you look right now, but updating profile can bring some new attention.

            Rule 2:  Keep your photos recent in pounds.  This is really important and you must adhere to it with honesty.   Look: whatever your body is (heavy, thin) someone wants to date you. Men are into thin, average, heavy. It really doesn’t matter what your body looks like--SOMEONE FINDS IT HOT! And since someone will find you hot, do not hide your weight. Twenty pounds will make a difference in how you look. So if you gain or lose twenty pounds, get a new pictures. 

            Rule 3:  Post several photos in different situations.  A good head and shoulder shot is great to have because we get a good look at your face; this is essential.  Also, have some photos of you in different situations: at a party or a bar, sitting at your desk, something relaxing. It doesn’t matter.  Have pictures that show your interests too. If you golf, a picture of you on the green is good.  Having pictures in different situations shows that you are outgoing, that you have a life that isn’t confined to just one thing (your computer, your office etc.) By having several pictures in several situations gives viewers a chance to really see you.  And more importantly, indicate some of your interests.

            Rule 4:  Smile. Who would have thought this needed to be said, but it does.  I don’t know how many profiles I come across with photos of a man looking unhappy, or without emotion. This is off putting and not something that attracts.  You don’t have to smile in every photo, but smile in a few.  Most people look better when they smile, so show your good side and smile.  If you are at a bar and you see a guy you like, you’re more likely to get a response from him if you smile at him, than if you glare. The same is true on line.

            Rule 5:  Don’t hide your body.  You don’t need to do nudes or shirtless pictures; you only need a few full body shots.  You must show us your body so we can tell if we find you attractive.  And no matter what your body looks like: someone will like it. So never hide it.  You are just setting yourself up to disappoint someone on an in person date.

            Rule 6:  Cock Portraits/ Ass Portraits.  This is the picture of just the cock or just the ass, nothing else.  I disapprove of this photo in general.  I feel that this devalues you as a complete person; you are reducing yourself to only your cock or ass.  Surely you see yourself as more than that.  However, I recognize that many men have nice looking cocks or asses and want to show that off. I suggest instead of the portrait shoot where the cock or ass completely cover the picture, you do a full body nude shoot.  This is more sexy, and sensual. It will get as much attention as you would otherwise without you appearing to reduce yourself to your sex parts.

            Rule 7: Porn shots. I sigh. I don’t understand why so many men want to be porn stars these days, but go on a gay site and you’ll see pictures of men having sex all over profiles.  Again, I think this should be avoided.  Most of the time the pictures are not well done and are more distracting than exciting.  It’s rather cheap, and makes me wonder if the guy is trying to prove he is sexually potent.   The porn shot is a pose. And, if the reality doesn’t match the photos, you’ll really upset your sex dates.  Remember you are advertising yourself, if your profile is filled with porn pictures, you’ve shown yourself to be ready for sex—all the time!  If you can’t produce, don’t pose. And if you are interested in other things besides sex, you are not showing that with any porn shoots on your profile. This rule is to be ignored if you are on a site that is clearly ONLY for sex. 

            Rule 8: The finger is to be avoided.  Fuck you isn’t a greeting.  It means: we are done!  I’m uncertain what men are trying to accomplish with photos where they give the camera the finger? Are they showing a sense of humor? It doesn’t work if we don’t know the context of the finger; it’s like telling only the punch line of a joke.  Are they trying to be badass? Badass is an attitude that comes from within, and need no outward signs.  This kind of picture is passé and juvenile.

            Picking good photos is vital to creating a good profile. You want to be honest with your pictures. Make sure your photos look like you look now!  You’ll find that no matter what you think you look like, you will be attractive to someone.  Don’t be afraid of full body shots, someone likes you and your body, your thin body or your obese body.  Your photos should represent who you really are. Photos should tell the story of you, who you are, what your interests are.  By being honest with your profile, you are honest with yourself and with the men who look at your profile. By being honest, when you meet, you’ll not disappoint them.  You should strive to hear your dates say: you look just like your photos.

           

Marshall Online #2 Self Portrait Pictures

Abundance of Self Portrait Photos

            It is a situation we have all come across when we set up an online profile: what photo to use.  We want a good picture that shows us in our best light.  So we go through all our pictures and select one that seems natural, that shows we are fun, that shows us smiling; maybe a picture that shows us looking handsome, or sexy.  We crop out everyone except us and post it.  Then we start searching profiles for a hot guy to chat with and we find profile after profile of Self Portrait Pictures.  So much so, we begin to wonder if we are supposed to have a self in the mirror shot; if that is required by the gods of the internet.  Initially, I wasn’t bothered by profiles with an abundance of self portrait pictures. But now I believe, a profile with an abundance of self portrait pictures raises questions and flags.

            I don’t think self portraits are particularly flattering. Most of the time, the picture is a little blurry, or not close enough to see his face clearly.  Sometimes he has a goofy look on his face because he is focusing on his pose with arm extended out to the side (as if to hide it)  and pressing the button without moving the camera.  Sometimes the flash covers the mirror and we can barely see anything.  Often the picture is taken at arms length and facing the person, which results in odd poses, angles and strange views. There is the great shoot from above that is also common as it hides that double chin.   And let us not forget the shirtless (or nude) self portrait taken by the web cam while sitting at the computer (pervy).

            If there is just one self portrait on his profile, I’m not bothered. It is when most or all of the profile pictures are these self portraits.

            Why does someone feel the need to do so many self portrait photos?  I think initially, one might just take a picture to get his profile started. That’s ok.  But that is rare.  You can identify this easily: the word “New” might appear on his profile.   And he will have the one photo, but within a short time, more photos will be added that are better, and the self portrait removed.

            Flag one: He’s a homebody with a small circle of friends. The first thing I usually ask is: don’t you have any friends who can take a picture for you?  I mean come on, whenever two or more gays are gathered together there is a camera in their mist.  Just ask him to take of photo of you at the Starbucks.  I wonder if he has any friends or many friends at all. The abundance of self portrait pictures raises the question of how much of a social person he is.  How many times have you gone out to a gay party (or any party) and had your photo taken with whomever you were talking with at that time?  You don’t even have to ask, someone will take a picture of you, just because he wants to.  If you are interested in someone who has few friends, or who doesn’t socialize often, a profile with many self portraits could be a sign to you that this is your guy.

Flag two: He’s hiding something.  Oh let’s don’t fall into that typical he hiding his gay self.  That could be true. But there could be something else he is hiding: what website he is on.  Most gay men have a profile of some kind these days. Not having one is more odd than having one. It isn’t scandalous to have a profile.  Very few people are going to be open about raunchy websites or websites that cater to the peripheral boundaries of sexual explorations.  Some guys want bareback sex, but they don’t want their friends to know about it. So to avoid answering questions about why the need for a picture, he just takes the picture himself.

What he could be hiding is not unsafe sex or raunchy sexual interests, but the kind of man he is attracted to and wants to date. If his circle of friends all prefer twinks and he is into chubs, he could be hiding that from his friends.  He is hiding who he finds attractive because he doesn’t want to deal with the discussions regarding why he would want a fat man. Gay men often don’t like for their friends to be attracted to nothing less than fit bodies. If this is so, then he has a low sense of self, and may get some of his identity from his friendship circle.  Go cautiously with this one, if you discover this to be the case.   If he is hiding something from his friends, and you get involved with him you may be helping him with a second coming out.  Or not being invited to join in many of the reindeer games.

Flag three: He is trying to appear sexually daring.  He has a picture of him laying on the bed seductivly with a pillow near the goods. Or he is at his computer naked, but we can’t see the goods.  What’s that hand doing?  It appears very sexy, and indicates that he has a wild side and is sexually free.  Except, it is done alone at his home.  That’s not wild: it’s just pantomimed fantasy.  We all are brave when we are alone at home. 

You’ll figure it out through your chat with him.  If this is the case, then get ready for some hot chat, but no live time action. Get ready for him to talk a big game and cancel your sex dates.  So when you come across this kind of self portrait, be cautious. I suggest going into the  chat thinking it will only be chat.  Even if he states that he is looking for a relationship, don’t be fooled.

            Flag four:  Lacks self confidence.  I was morbidly obese at one time. Then I lost weight and was looking good. But I was still overweight; I still have my belly (just less of it). However, my chest and arms and shoulders were looking great, and I wanted a photo to show my muscles.   But I didn’t feel comfortable asking someone to take the picture of me shirtless, showing off my muscles.  I was embarrassed at the thought of asking for assistance.  Why? Even though I like the look of what was happening to my body, it wasn’t finished. There is still a belly. I was still self conscious about my weight.  I lacked the self confidence to say: I need a picture that shows my muscles more, I’m proud of what I’ve done and I want to show off.  If I had that confidence I could have asked any friend, and even if he teased me we could have gotten better pictures, and had fun doing it. My brother wanted to be a body builder at one time, and he was always asking us to take pictures of him posing in the hallway. He had confidence; I did not.

            Discovering self confidence is not done by looking at the pictures alone. You will have to chat with him some.  But don’t worry, it will be clear quickly.  He’ll nearly scream: I don’t have self confidence.

            Flag five: Showing off his new toy, his camera or phone.  Yes I believe this is a possibility:  he’s gotten this new toy and played with it by taking a bunch of pictures of himself.  And he wants everyone to see he has an Iphone.   Not only do you have a huge mirror in your bathroom, but you have an Iphone. Congrats! The flag here is self involvement.  He’s the guy that will want to do what he wants to do, but not what you want to do. He’s the guy that gets the Xbox and suggest you guys play some games. What this means is he wants you to watch him play. He gets his camera and to test it out, he takes pictures of himself? Why not of the apartment or the block, or the dog? 

            The Self Portrait picture should raise a few concerns.  This concerns are merely possibilities.  Therefore, I don’t think you should avoid chatting with someone you find attractive because his profile is filled with self portrait pictures.  Be aware of these possibilities, be cautious and keep your mind open.   

Online Etiquette Rule #1, Start Out Simply and Small

Start out Simply and Small

            When you’ve found a profile of a man you’d like to chat with and get to know: Start the Chat with a short, simple greeting.

            So often when we find someone we really like, we want to impress him by reading his profile and starting off with a great initial message.   Sometimes someone will read my profile, and send me a long message connecting with something on my profile, and connecting with something else on my profile, sharing a like experience, commenting on something he found agreeable, criticizing something he found disagreeable, and finally asking some vague question like “how are you.”

            This is a mistake.

            How would you feel if you were in a bar someone suddenly walked up to you with a long opening hello? You’d just stand there looking dumbfounded. You might even think: he’s more interested in hearing himself talk than with talking with me.

Starting off with a long message overwhelms the recipient.  Visually it hits the recipient hard. Most chat messages are short then a novel arrives and Bam!  It is just too much. Plus by addressing a couple of things at once or asking multiple questions, you demand a lot of time from someone who doesn’t know you. You are investing too much into him without a connection being established. This is kind of creepy, like a stalker.

            Start out simply and short! It is the best way, and eases both of you into a conversation. This is how you’d do it in face to face interactions, so do it on line.  

            Try to make your online life as much like face to face life as possible.  In person you’d see a man you’d like to meet and you’d start with eye contact, you’d move over and say hello, and start a conversation. You might talk about basic things and then move more deeply.

            Online is the same: start with eye contact.  In online world this is done by signing a guestbook, or by winks (etc.) This changes from website to website. Usually it is a message that you send from a selection of messages: “you’re hot,” “Great Profile”.  Many people dislike this but it is a great way to establish some eye contact and ease into the conversation. If he isn’t interested in you, just like in person, he will look away.  If he is interested, he will reply with something short like “thank you.”

It is now up to you get the conversation going.  Now you can move into referencing his profile, or asking a question about something in his profile.  But as a suggestion: try not to make it too involved or controversial.

If there isn’t this kind Guestbook message on your site, keep your initial contact short and simple: hello, how are you? Hello, I like your profile.  You can do a compliment if you like, as long as it isn’t just one word.   It all sounds silly, but it is much nicer than having to deal with a long message from someone I don’t know. 

Handsome.  Hot. Nice.  Yes!  One word initial messages should be avoided as well, for the same reason. You are showing the man you don’t have social skills.  Is that really what you want to accomplish?

Words like “Woof!” “Grrrr” belong to the Bears. If you are a bear or like bears, you can send that as an initial message.  However, not every bear likes this kind of language, and it could be a hit or miss.  You could also fall into the same category as a one word message.   In general, if he thinks your picture is hot, he will respond well. But keep in mind one word initial messages, even of this kind, should be avoided.

I’m not as familiar with other groups like I am with bears, so if your group has similar ways to compliment, this rule will still apply: not everyone likes it, just be carful. Often people will state this on their profile, so make sure you read it completely. 

When starting out with these simple messages, do not start with an emoticon only. Starting with an emoticon only doesn’t give much for us to reply to because it isn’t a language we speak. No one walks up to you in person and says “Smiley Face”.  And if someone walked up to you and just smiled, you’d think he was crazy. 

How should we reply to an emoticon? With an emoticon? What does smiley face mean? I don’t know.  I just feel annoyed when it happens.  You don’t want to start your chat life with someone by annoying him.

Starting with just an emoticon indicates to me that the person doesn’t know how to have a conversation.  (This can be true for winks too, but I’ve not found it as often.) 

It is important to remember that initial messages are like eye contact in a bar.  Keeping it short and simple gives the recipient a chance to ease into meeting you without feeling bombarded or attacked.

Marshall Online, #1, The Added Superlative

The Added Superlative:  If the Profile states “Partnered to the best, (or a great guy, or the most wonderful) Man”

            There are other reasons for being on a social networking site besides sex and relationships.  Social websites can develop many kinds of relationships from modern pen pals to long term dating, job networking. Some sites, like Eharmony, are clearly dating and matchmaking sites; Linkin is clearly networking. While others, like Bear411, Adam4Adam, can be used for so many reasons, but many on there are looking for a relationship, or tryst.  If you are on one of these websites, you are bound to come across a profile with “partnered to the most wonderful man” (or the best, most handsome, or some other superlative adjective).  The use of “most wonderful” is an Added Superlative; added without cause. The Added Superlative is a warning flag for you to proceed with this man cautiously, and slowly.

            Making comparisons to real life situations help show how odd the Added Superlative is.  If you were in a bar, and saw a man that you found attractive, you would make some eye contact, start a conversation. If he is partnered, within a short time in the conversation, he will let you know he is dating someone.  This is done for honesty, and to let you know what you can expect from him (friendship, conversation that night in the bar).  He will do this in a polite way so you don’t feel odd, and so the possibility for a friendship can remain.  It will be a simple toss into the conversation: “oh yes that’s a great place to eat, my partner and I go there often.”  It is subtle, but clear. 

            But it is only “my partner.”  Nothing more. 

How would it sound if he said this:  “oh yes, that’s a great place to eat I go there often with my wonderful partner.” 

The use of the Added Superlative jumps out at you, and sounds unnatural.

If we heard that in a bar, we would just walk away thinking the guy is odd.  We might think he was bragging, or being little obsessed about his partner, who isn’t in the bar with him.

But online we accept strange behavior as normal and ok. 

It simply doesn’t make sense.  It sounds odd and unnecessary. When the superlative of Most Wonderful, or Most Attractive, or Best gets added it becomes a type of posing.  It’s dwelling on what should be obvious: you are dating him, you must think he is attractive, you must think he is wonderful.

Why the need to tell us?

Indeed why does he feel the need to tell us this? I believe he would say something like it is the truth, and he loves him etc.  But so often little things like this reveal so much about a person.

It is great that men find their partners attractive.  And I think stating that is not a bad. But in an introduction an Added Superlative is a bit more information than needed.  If the profile has: Partnered, five years. That’s enough. It lets me know he has a boyfriend, lets me know that it’s a long-term relationship. This tells me what I can expect from him (chat, or nsa sex, or friendship).  

            The Added Superlative could mean he is obsessed with his partner. He can’t think about anyone or anything else. He wants to talk about that wonderful guy.  In this case he has lost is personality completely. He may have no hobbies, no interesting life to talk about. He is just some guy’s boyfriend.  He was one of those guys who was obsessed with finding a partner, and didn’t feel complete until he had one.   Good lucking finding him interesting.  But if you do, and he loses his partner, you’ll find yourself with a depressed man with no independent life to help him through it.

The Added Superlative is a defensive addition. The use of the Added Superlative is an aggressive warning to you that comes to early.  Comparing online life to interactions of face-to-face life: A person might point out that he is dating a handsome man, or a wonderful man, or a great guy, if you don’t seem to understand that he is taken.  In this context he is telling you to back off, that he really likes his partner. Look you are nice but I have a wonderful partner.  The addition of the superlative puts distance between you two. 

The same could be said about on line interactions, the Added Superlative puts distance between you.  But if you read this in a profile, he is telling you to back off before you’ve made a move. 

It suggests insecurity in how he might handle your advances.  By telling you this, he reminds himself: I am dating a great guy, he is a great guy, a wonderful guy, the most handsome, I don’t need anyone else.  He is convincing himself not to sleep with anyone else, even before he is asked. It’s like he is practicing ahead of time. If you choose to exploit this, you could find yourself in a bad situation, because you’ve exploited an insecure person. He may cling to you more than you’d like.  

When I come across the Added Superlative, I wonder what’s going on in that relationship?  The first thing I think is:  What’s wrong? What happened?  What has recently happened that he is filled with love for his partner and he is telling others about his wonderful partner. Did he set up his profile after a major fight that was then resolved in a loving way, and he is at that moment overcome with how much he loves his partner?  Has he been going through a difficult time and his partner showed incredible support and love?  This could be a great story to hear.  But I think in these cases when the person is wanting to share a wonderful story about himself and his relationship, he will allow it to emerge naturally. 

In other cases the Added Superlative seems forced and odd.  And could be a sign of some fighting going on at home, or a relationship in trouble.   Kind of that over emphasis of positive things about the relationship, or a kind of showy display of everything is fine to hide that everything is not fine.  In these cases, he is not trying to convince you but to convince himself.

If you discover this to be the case, I suggest staying away.  You may find yourself being used by him in various ways, for emotional support and advice, for sex and emotional comfort.  In this case instead of working on his problem alone or with close friends, he uses you to work through his problem.  Also, what he does is act like he is working on the problem while ignoring it with his partner.  This all seems like bad ways to resolve a troubled relationship.

            It seems to me, the Added Superlative reflects some instability, so proceed cautiously. And know what you are potentially dealing with. This could be someone who is ready to end it with his great guy, or someone who is insecure in his ability to resist advances, or someone who is wanting to connect with others so he can talk about the issues in his wonderful relationship.  Or even someone obsessed with is partnered he has no separate personality.  When I come across these kinds of statements, I just pass the guy up. I have found too many times, that he will in the end start using me as a consoler.   He’ll use me to work through his problems with instead of his face to face friends.

             

Marshall Online, an Introduction

            One of the things I’d like to do with my blog is talk about on line life.  I’ve been thinking about writing an etiquette guide to on line living for a while, and now I feel the chance to present it.  In general there will be two kinds of articles: Rules to Chatting; and What That Means. They will come under the heading of "Marshall Online".

            The Rules to Chatting will be a guide to chatting successfully on line. I’ve found that many people don’t understand how to do this. How to start a conversation, how to end it, how to continue it.  So the Rules to chatting will help with that. These will be short articles.

            The What That Means kind of articles will explain what you are looking at with you look at a profile.  Topics like:  What does it mean that he has only self portrait in the mirror pictures, or  If there is no face picture, or if he states “I’m happily single.”  These articles will be longer and will discuss the various ways to interpret what we are seeing.

            In general, these are my observations and my thoughts. They are not laws.  Many will disagree with me.  But that is ok. 

Nationwide Protest for Gay Marriage 10-23-10

We need to have a massive protest. Citywide, statewide, nationwide. A protest that isn’t an in your face protest but a reminder of a right that isn’t ours.  We could stand out in the streets yelling, we could pass out pamphlets, we could have a sit in at some government office.  I think it is time for a new idea, and changing of the tables.  We need to take the bar crawl and make it a protest.  We’ll do 

The Gay Bachelorette Party-Bar-Crawl for Gay Marriage Protest

And we will do it in straight bars around the country.  Here is the plan.

Get a group of people of the same sex together of about 7-10.  This is your Bachelorette party. Choose a “Bride-to-not-be” whose wedding we can’t celebrate because we can’t get married. Then go out bar hopping. Just like bachelorettes do, but instead of going to a gay bar, or a drag show, go to only straight bars.  Play the same silly games they do. Scream as loud as they do. Dress in stupid ways they do. If you want to wear a dress, please do. But try not to make it a drag outfit. (Unless you are getting together drag queens in your group and all of you are in total drag.) Have a sign or shirts that proclaim: Free Gay Marriage.  You can think of other slogans as appropriate for your area, keep it fun, and pleasant.

You don’t have to talk to anyone or debate.  Just show up, have fun, let people see you, and move on.  If the bride wants to cry because he/she can’t get married, that can be fun too.  Keep this protest light, fun and easy on the hetros. We want to remind them that gay marriage should be allowed, and that we want to celebrate our love too. 

The date for this will be: October 23, 2010

Email this to all your friends and lets get this protest going.  See the event on Facebook under: The Gay Bachelorette Party-Bar-Crawl for Gay Marriage Protest.  And join the Gay Bachelorette Group to share ideas and photos of your bachelorette parties!