Marshall Online #6: Statements about STD Status

Statements about Status of STDs: Revealing a Caste System

            This is something that you’ll come across often in your profile search: a statement about his STD status and a request about yours.  It comes in a few forms: DD free you be too, tested neg on (date), neg seeking same, STD free expect the same in others, Poz.  Most—if not all—of these status statements refer to HIV only.  Most guys don’t consider that there are there are some 25 STDs (I actually think this number is low) and many are incurable, while others are become harder to defeat with antibiotics.  Regardless, these statements are made for a reason, and have lead me to believe that there is a caste system in gay culture.    

            There are two major castes: Neg, a rogue caste, and Poz.  Those living in the Neg caste look at themselves as the top, and often reject someone who is in the Poz caste as soon as the information is given.  There are some who do not acknowledge the caste system with their actions. These guys will date in any caste without thought about a person’s HIV status as a determiner.  These guys do not accept the cast, therefore do not fall into a caste, and belong to the Rogue Caste.  Then at the lower levels are the Poz caste. This is a group that is often shunned online by the community that supposedly is on their side.  The Poz group is divided into families; I base this on how they describe themselves online (if they do): Poz, Healthy and Undetectable Poz.

            The Neg group often will boast about their status on their profile. “Tested Neg on (date)”: This is a popular one to post on profiles and usually this one doesn’t come with a request that you also be negative.  It is just the boast and the time of the test, so you know when it was.  The hidden intended meaning in this statement is that this guy is doing the right thing and getting tested.  We should be tested for HIV on a regular basis. All gays should as well as all sexually active people.  When you run across this statement you know that the man you may have sex with later understands this and has been tested. He is one that is concerned about his health and yours.  The hidden meaning is that you should trust and not worry with him (but he implies you don’t have to worry about him like members of another caste.)

            However, don’t be so quick to let his statement speak for him and his sexual habits.  Being tested only shows what you were around the testing date, not what you are right now.  You’ll be having sex with him in present time, not past time.  And stating that you were tested only shows that you had a test.  What you need to know from him is not when his last test for HIV was and the results: but what are his habits with safe sex.  His sexual habits with safe sex should be the determining factor for you not his test results.  Keeping in mind that this is only a statement about his HIV status, not any other STD.

            I find that this kind of statement is just bad advertising. It is boasting about something that isn’t boast worthy.   It is a kind of false sense of security.  It is kind of the creepy guy in the bar telling you not to worry about having sex with him because: “I’m clean,” he’ll say. 

            Sometimes men will take a photo of their test and post it on their profile as proof they are not lying.  I don’t think any of these guys are lying, if they post the picture or just state they were tested. I think they have been tested and want to tell you the results.  But it doesn’t matter: a test shows the results of what you were around the day of the test, not today when I’m seeing your profile.  The photo of the test results is an extreme attempt to prove he is not lying. It is a pathetic attempt to get attention.  I really think this guy has some self esteem issues, (no proof of this just a gut reaction) and he is using this as a way to show how much better he is than someone else.  It’s just sad. Put the test results away and work on your personality.  

            The other statements about being disease free tell me he may not know as much as he wants me to think he knows about STDs.  When he states: STD free: does that mean that he has been tested for HPV or Syphilis?  Or does he think he’s not infected with an STD because he’s not had that burning feeling when he goes to the bathroom? What he wants you to know is that he is not going to be a threat to your health. But how can he know this?  He can’t.  Unless he has been tested for infections individually.   Being tested for HIV does not include other infections. So the statement STD free is (or could) be completely wrong. 

The same rule applies here as if he gives you his neg HIV status: find out his safe sex habits to determine if you want to have sex with him, and make sure his habits match yours.

The Poz Groups come next, and are the lower levels of the caste system.   On these profiles, the man tells you that he has tested positive for HIV.   

The top most Poz family is the Poz with qualifier: Healthy Poz, Undetectable Poz.  These both share the higher caste in the Poz category.  Congratulations you are successful at mistreating others the same way you are being mistreated. 

At first I saw these as two separate castes.  A healthy Poz, I thought, was someone who although HIV positive was keeping himself healthy, in shape, eating well. He is saying: ‘look I’m HIV Poz but my body is killer, I’m a stud!  I do this to help fight the virus.  So I’m not as bad as you might think I am, I’m not just Poz, I’m HEALTHY poz.’   An undetectable Poz, I thought, was someone whose viral count is so low that it appears as if he is not HIV positive.   He is saying:  ‘I’m Poz officially, but not really; see the drugs are beating my virus down so much that we can’t find any in me.’  Give them both medals.

 But I’ve recently learned these two Poz Families are the same. They are the same in meaning and treat other Poz groups the same as the Neg group will treat all Poz groups. What Healthy Poz and Undetectable Poz refer to is how their particular strain of the virus responds to medicines.  Some strains of HIV are tougher to control than others.  Men who have the weaker virus to control do not want to be exposed to the stronger.  Therefore, they will cut out anyone who isn’t the same caste as they are, just the same as a Neg caste member will cut out a Poz caste member.  It is the same energy in all cases.

  But no one knows if a person is in this lower caste if he only states Poz.  So a chat will be establish by the other Poz person to gather this information.  Soon a question about what medicine is being taken will be asked.   They know what medicines are used for the different strains. Once they know this bit of info, they will know if the guy is in the same caste.  If he isn’t in the same caste is will be let go.

In the case of the Poz group I think their statement of their status on their profile is too soon.  Information about illnesses or mental conditions and the like should be left till later. You would never walk up to someone in a bar or in a cafe and say “Hi nice to meet you, I’ve got lung cancer.” So why are guys doing similar online?  Is it an attempt to be upfront about their status so that before we have sex we are informed? If so why not wait until the chat.  This is personal, and I feel, can be left to when a person is closer emotionally or physically.  But I think these guys are putting this out there not just to be honest but to weed through guys who have a prejudice against people with HIV. 

And this is what reveals how much of a caste system we have: many Poz people put this out right in front because they have experienced this kind of rejection.  They know there is a chance the guy chatting them up, telling them they are hot, and all that, once it their HIV Poz status is revealed, this same guy will stop chatting. I know of no other virus, illness, condition where people will do this. I had a roommate that was bi-polar and he would never have put that on one of his profiles.  But with HIV status, people do. And I think the only real explanation for this, is because each time someone rejects you because of your status it hurts. It hurts to be rejected by the community that is open-minded and supposedly on your side.  It hurts as much as when family rejects you.

`           There is also a group the do not share any information about their status regardless of what it is.  It could be that they do not know their status. Many gay men do not get tested regularly or at all, and my not know what their status is.  Other men may not what to share their status with someone they don’t know, and wish for privacy.  I think this is fine. I think that stating your status is not required on your profile, and boasting that you are HIV negative isn’t attractive.

            With the group that do not share their status, you can only know their status when they tell you. Do not make an assumption they are not HIV positive because they didn’t post they are: Poz men are not required to do this, and should not be required.

             Of course in all of these Neg status statements, there is no comment or thought about the others. It is all about self wishes, self desires, and self pleasure. It’s all: I want someone who isn’t poz, or I want to have unsafe sex and feel ok about it.  It isn’t about meeting someone falling for him and creating a bond between each other.  It is about ways to reject people, mistreat them and make them feel less than valued.

What these statements regarding status reveal is the caste system.  Where one might think that is just self preservation, it isn’t.  It is just a way to turn someone down for a date.  This makes us no different than those outside our culture treat us.  Amazingly, Poz people often do the same thing too, with qualifiers that make them not just Poz but Healthy Poz.  It’s all bad energy and a way to ignore someone. I think the caste system shows our lack of maturity as a culture.

Marshall Online #4 Profile pics one particular part of his body

Collage O' Wang

            Have you experienced this: You see a profile of a man you think you might like, the main picture is ok but you need to see some more to see what he looks like better.  You open up his profile and find seven other pictures. All of them portraits of his penis.  Photos from above, below, flaccid, erect, extended out from him, lying on his belly.  He’s profile should be called “Collage O’ Wang.”

You’ve been online checking out the guys and noticed this strange collage of penis portraits.  Even if you want to turn away; you may find yourself feeling a slight arousal and so you look. It’s lightweight porn. We are men and we look.   And the Collage O’ Wang is so mesmerizing.  But I’m left unsettled, unsatisfied.  I’m left feeling dirty.

I don’t really understand this way of presenting yourself. Why does a guy reduce himself to his penis?  Do lesbians have a similar way to present themselves?

I take a step back, I begin to wonder what it means.

            Every web site is different. Many allow sexual pictures to be posted, and many men take advantage of this.  The web site I’m most familiar with is Bear411.  Bear411 requires that your main picture shows your face.  And that will be the one photo of the man’s face I’ll see.  The rest will be Penis Portraits.  I think on other sites if no face picture is required I’ll run into only penis portraits.

            Everyone is online for different reasons but there are about three reasons why: friendships (pen pal relationships and in person), dating, and sex.

            If this guy is interested in anything outside of sex, then he needs to replace most or all of his penis portraits.  

            Regardless of my initial arousal, I find these profiles to be creepy.  It’s exhibitionism; and we are tossed into the role of voyeur.  It is just a bit pervy.   

Why do men do this?

Clearly he wants to show the goods.  I’d believe that could be the case if all the guys were hot, and I mean smoking hot with a great body, and great member. But all too often that isn’t the case, its just guys.  Just a normal or morbidly obese men.  (I realize that someone being smoking hot is up to the voyeur in this case).  But I don’t get the feeling like these guys think they are so hot that they are showing off.

Maybe he thinks this is what he is supposed to do. He is putting out there what he thinks he needs to do to get dates. If a date is what he wants. Well whatever he wants, he thinks this is what he should be doing.   He could be just a little confused about this, or even mislead.  When I first joined the online craze, I took some nudes and considered posting them. Why? On the advice of a friend of mine. He felt it was a good idea.  I was never comfortable with the idea so I never posted. But when you are new to the internet, it is so foreign to us, that many might be taking bad advice.  If this is the case, I think you’ll see more pictures of him and not the abundance of the Penis Portrait.

I wish my first response would be a sarcastic “oh wow how provocative.” But it isn’t, that’s my second or third response.  But if he thinks he’s being provocative, he needs to surf the web some more and see how he is like so many others. Again, if he is going for provocative, you’ll be able to tell by his other photos, and what he is stating in his profile.  His profile is the key to figuring out if he is creating a provocative persona or not.  But honestly, I don’t think any of these guys are going for provocative.

            I think this is a sexual masquerade. I’m sexually free, I’m a stud—look at me!  But to me, he looks like a mannequin.   Like a cold statue laying in a storage room.   But I think these guys want us to believe they are sexual broncos. 

            He’s clearly not creative.  He’s just took a web cam and focused it on his wang and took a picture.  Then did it from a different angle.  These pictures are not even porn B rated porn. At least with porn you have to set up the shoot, you have to do some acting. But when it is just a penis portrait there is nothing creative or even thought out about it.  I am a firm believer that creativity is needed to function well in a sexual environment.  The German’s say “Dumb Fcks Best.”  The Germans say a lot of things about sex: you’ll learn not to listen.  A guy doesn’t need creativity in the sense that he is a writer, or he is an artist. But in the sexual mêlée he needs some creative thinking; he needs to figure out how to make things work, how to move, how to listen etc.  If he had any sexual creativity then we’d have different pictures.

            I’ve discussed this before, but as a reminder: your pictures should tell a story about you.  In this case, the story is his penis.  And only his penis.  This is a guy that is Self-cock-centric.  He is interested in his wang and only his wang.

If you go out with him, it will be a sex date. Don’t expect him to do anything but sex. And the sex will be totally one sided. You will not be kissed, you will not receive any reciprocation of any kind.  What you can expect is that he will lay on his back and do very little outside of looking down at his wang and what you are doing to it. Why? Cause he is self-cock-centric.  Do not expect any kind of sounds to let you know he is enjoying it or not, that he will keep to himself, like he has kept the rest of his life to himself. 

This is a guy that isn’t good at expressing himself.

            He’s interest in sex is as focused as his camera. This means: he wants one thing. One thing and one thing only.  There is something that he likes and that’s all he really likes.  It could be anal sex; it could be masturbation while he rubs your belly; it could be anything. There is no rule, but since he can’t express himself well, you’ll have to figure it out by trail and error.   If you are lucky, he’ll eventually get upset that you are not getting it right, and he’ll say: “I just like to _______.”  But he won’t say this rudely, or mean; he’ll say it kind of sad and pouty.  Cause, see, you were supposed to know that.

            If you are looking for a romance, I think this is a guy you’ll want to pass by.  But if you are looking for someone who is separated from the sexual experience, this could be your man.  If you want a guy who lays back and lets you do whatever you want to him as long as he doesn’t have to move too much, then this could be your guy. If you are into servicing someone, this could be your guy.  This could be the guy for you if you want to get used in a non-S&M scene.

But again the sex is going to be reduced to his penis and his penis only.  If he is going to reduce himself to his penis, he’s going to reduce you to his penis, and the sexual experience to his penis.  You are not there except for what you can do for his penis.

While I think there are possibilities that men are just misguided and think they have to have these penis portraits, I think that these men with an abundance of penis portraits are doing it because they are self-cock-centric.  They want sex and they want it focused on that part of their body.  I don’t suggest going for this guy for romance or dating, or even conversation. He is focused on sex.  He could be fun if you are interested in the same thing he is.  But otherwise he may frustrate you.

Online Etiquette Rule # 7 and 8: One-Word Replies

One-Word Replies

Some Rules

I don’t know of anything that gets under more skin than one-word replies.  I’ve heard more people make jokes about the idiots online with their one-word messages, and how they are annoying than mention emoticon-only messages.  I think it is because emoticon-only messages are like reading a picture book; and we just kind of find it lightly amusing.  But chat is most like talking to some one; and talking to someone who just says one word at a time is annoying.  

What is amazing is how many of us complain about the one-word reply while replying to the guy who just used a one-word reply. 

Let’s have the rules regarding one-word messages.

Online Etiquette Rule 7: One-word replies are to be avoided.  Nothing says Neanderthal faster than one-word replies.  It is a grunt in online conversation. Just like in face to face interactions when you say “yeah” in a grunting way.  You don’t want to give the impression that you are a Neanderthal and mindless.  So try to answer in a more conversational style. Compare:

Guy 1: hey How’s your day been.

Guy 2: good.

To

Guy 1: hey How’s your day been.

Guy 2: It was good, I had a great work out, that always makes me feel better.

In example two the second Guy tells us something that made the day good. This opens the door for more conversation and chat.  In the first example, the Guy grunts his good.  Hell, SNL’s Frankenstein would have said more than that: Day Good, Fire Bad.  Do you want to be thought of as not having the chatting ability of SNL’s Frankenstein? No, so don’s use the one-word reply. 

Online Etiquette Rule 8:  You may delete one-word replies without replying.  I realize that nothing is more annoying that putting forth a lot of energy to chat with a guy and he grunts a one-word reply.  But don’t be bothered by it or get upset; don’t message him asking him why. Just delete it if you wish.

There are some reasons that are logical as to why he grunts at you, and you may want to think about them before you follow Rule 8.

Reason 1:  Overwhelmed.  He just got on line and is going through his messages.  Depending on what has been going on with him on line, he could have a lot of messages.  When a guy logs in and sees 50 messages, he may want to get through them all so he can focus on live chat.  So he is just giving you one word to get through it. You’ll notice a change in later messages.

Reason 2:  He’s not too smart.  While he would in person give you more than one word, some dumb guys have difficulty typing and thinking at the same time.   Some guys are not good at typing and will never be, so one word is a lot for them.  If you keep chatting with him, you’ll figure out if he’s not smart or not typing-smart in time. It won’t take long.
But I really should not say that he's not smart, I should say: he's not book smart.  I think men who chat really well tend to be educated. This does not mean that guys who do not chat well are dumb, it means they do not have the same experience.  You may find once you meet him in person, that he can carry on a conversation well, and that his intelligence in other ways comes out.  So if you think he may not be as educated as you don't be quick to pass him by. 

Reason 3: He’s not interested in chatting with you.  You’ve messaged him, you’ve asked questions and done the right things, but he is not involved in the chat.  He’s just being polite and doesn’t know how to close the chat without being rule. How would it be if he messaged you: "oh my day was good, but I don't wnat to continue chatting with you." We'd call him rude.  So by replying he isn't rude, but he isn't giving you much of his time. It is a sign that he isn't interested. 

I think this is the most likely of all three reasons.  If you find you are getting several one word replies, make this assumption and move on. Why waste time with someone that isn’t showing interest in you. Say good night and move on. Or delete the message, he won’t care. He’s not interested in you.

One-word messages could very well be for some normal reasons, but at the end of the day it is because he has a lack of interest in you.  It isn’t personal, just move on. If you play the internet game (blog later) you’ll have traffic coming to your profile and find someone who is, and who you like.

Online Etiquette Rule 5, Repeated Back to Back Compliments

Avoid Overly Complimentary Repeated Back to Back Replies

           

            This is how some initial contact messages go.  The person who initiated the chat will be “Contactor,” and the one he contacted will be “Guy”.

            Contactor: You’re Hot! (with a Wow emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: what a great body! (with gym emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: I love your face, so handsome! (smiley emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: Nice beard! (some emoticon with the eyebrows lifting.)

            Guy deletes this message, and doesn’t reply.

            Yes he deleted the message and didn’t reply. That’s what I do, and that is what I suggest you do in this situation. 

Now many will believe: oh he is just being nice and trying to be complimentary and you shouldn’t be rude to someone who is being nice.  But the Contactor wasn’t being nice, he was being obsessive.  Many readers may not believe that this happens, but it does and this was a good rendering of how I’ve been contacted initially, many times.  Multiple complimentary messages should never happen; they reveal many warnings about you that indicate you are not dateable.

            Starting off with a compliment is fine. I want this clearly understood. You’ve never chatted with him, so you may start off with a compliment—once!  Not twice or more. It is just once. If he replies with a “thanks” you’ve got his attention. That’s good.  Now move on. 

            Starting off with a compliment is NOT what I am discussing in this entry.  This is about multiple complimentary messages sent back to back.

            Flag 1: You are an idiot. Yes it sounds harsh I know, but that is the impression you are giving him. It may not be true at all, but that is what your actions show; that’s what he will think of you.  Basically you’ve just repeated yourself three times; you’ve just said the same thing again; you just keep talking about the same thing.  A semi-coherent person knows when he is repeating himself. If the impression you want to give is that you are mindless, repeat away; if not, stop doing this and show us your intelligent side.

            Flag 2: you are clearly only interested in his body.  I can’t think of any one reason more than this that makes you appear non-datable.  I don’t think many people like to be reduced to their looks.  It is great you find him easy on the eyes, but find him interesting in other ways too.  Or do you plan on talking about how handsome he is for the rest of your contact?  Do you image that you would go out to a movie and dinner, and instead of talking about his thoughts on the movie you would like to talk about how handsome he is?  You may be bedable, but not datable.

            Flag 3: You receive the grade of “needs improvement on social interactions”.  Compare to a face to face interaction: someone walks up to you and repeatedly tells that you are handsome: you’re handsome, your are hot, you are sooooooo cute, you have a great beard. How long before you walk away? Would that not make you feel uncomfortable?  The same is true for the internet.  If you send multiple complimentary messages back to back, you are doing just that, you are being odd, showing you are a less than socially savvy man.  I find this kind of behavior kind of rude.

            A person lacking in social skills will keep going with compliments in hopes to get the attention of the other.  The person without social skills thinks that if you haven’t responded with, thank you I am totally into to you, then it must mean he’s not got your attention.    It must mean must mean he’s not said the right compliment to get your attention. So what does the man without social skills do? He keeps complimenting.  It is one thing to get attention; it is another to keep attention. In this case, you’ve gotten my attention with the one compliment, but lost it with the second.  If you feel like you’ve done this in the past, or do it currently, your problem is not getting someone’s attention: it is keeping it. So change your tactics! You’ve got the nerve to approach; you’ve overcome the biggest wall. Now just learn how to keep the attention. (blog soon to follow). 

            Flag 4: Could mean you want a compliment to be given to you.  Hard to believe that someone would compliment hoping to get one, but it happens. And I think that this becomes clearer when the compliments keep coming. He’s just waiting for one. Well guess what, you ain’t getting one. Why? Cause you’ve creeped me out. If you are needing positive reinforcement and compliments I suggests getting friends who are positive people in your life, who encouage you, and are honest.  Do not be disingenuous and compliment some one in hopes he will find you attractive.

            Flag 5: you want me to take over and lead the conversation.  You really are interested in this guy for some reason, and you really want to talk, but you lack the social skills needed to carry on the conversation. So you just keep saying the same thing over and over again, hoping that the guy will understand you need help and take the lead in the converstation.  Not going to happen.  Nope. When you approach someone you take the lead.  Eventually he will reciprocate if he is interested in you.  But this is a discussion for another day (how to know he is into you.)  But this situation is the one that reminds me of  the middle school girl sitting and staring at the football player across the table. She is just so overwhelmed she can’t do anything but sigh, and just sits there hoping he will speak to her.  Catch yourself from doing this. 

            Flag 6: Do not do this in the middle of a converstation.  Up till now, I’ve discussed this multiple complimentary repeated messages as if it was the beginning of a converstation. But as hard as it is to believe it happens during one as well.  Avoid this temptation. It’s ok to toss in a compliment from time to time. Nothing wrong with it. Especially if the situation calls for it: he changes his profile picture, you find his facebok and see more pictures etc.  These are all situations that giving a guy a compliment is ok. But again, and I can’t say this enough, COMPLIMENT ONLY ONCE!

            It has happened a few times to me, and nothing stops a converstation faster.  It happened today. I’ve just started chatting with this guy, and I’ve enjoyed his chat, and I’ve appreciated some of the pointers his given me on job hunting. Then suddenly he sees my dog’s blog and it changes. He likes the picture of the dog and me, he says my dog’s daddy is really handsome, he says that I should get more of the two of us cause I’m so handsome.  Well now I’m bored. And I think he is also getting bored with me and doesn’t know how to pull the converstation to a close.  Look, my dog’s blog is a great blog, it is the story of our journey across the country on a bicycle. There are lots, and lots of fodder for chat inside that blog, just look.  I’d rather talk about suicide prevention, or how important animals are in our lives, or the horrors of puppy mills (all in her blog) than how I’m handsome.  These topics that are close to me, and one’s I’ve shared with the world.  Do you realize how crushing it is for someone to visit my dog’s blog and all they get from it is that my dog has a hot companion.  Gawd are you that superficial?

Aside suggestion: when he says thank you to a compliment and suggest you move on, do not tell him you are being honest.  Let’s use Contactor and Guy again.

Contactor:  You’re hot!

Guy: thanks

Contactor: you’ve got a great body!

Guy: thanks

Contactor: beautiful beard, so handosme

Guy: yeah I got it, thanks. Let’s move on now.

Contactor: I’m just being honest.

Guy: Oh I got it thanks.

Contactor: I’m just paying you a compliment.

Delete.

No you’re not, you are not just paying him  a compliment, you are given him seven.  And Guy here is clearly frustrated with the Contactor, but the Contactor doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see he is frustrating Guy, and he doesn’t pick up on that Guy is willing to chat with him: but he has to stop dwelling on his looks.  Now change the subject and lets chat.  And what’s the response: I’m just being honest.  Ok so now that I know you are not lying, I should just keep talking about how handsome I am? I never thought he wasn’t being honest before so why is telling me is just being honest?  Why? Cause he has nothing else on his mind but how good looking I am.    He is saying; Look I’m just being honest that you are hot.  In this situation the Contactor never leaves the compliment.

If you are told that you’ve complimented enough and you should move on to new subjects. MOVE ON! When you don’t move on, and keep on about being honest or whatever, you are doing one of the worst things to show you are not datable: You are not listening.  Nothing says updatable than someone who doesn’t listen.   

Sending multiple complimentary messages back to back does very little to get someone to be interested in you. You show you can’t carry on a conversation, that you are needing improvement on social skills. You make someone uncomfortable.  You’ve let your nerves get in the way of really showing us who you are.   If you find yourself doing this kind of messaging, stop, and think before you send the second compliment.  Asking how his day was is a better message than a second you are handsome.

           

Online Etiquette Rules 3 & 4 Two Rules Regarding Good-byes

Two Rules Regarding Good-byes Online

Rule 3:  If you have been chatting with someone and have a conversation developing, say good night before you leave.

            We should treat online chatting the same as we do other interactions.  You wouldn’t just stop a letter midway, and put it in an envelope and mail it? You would just hang up the phone when you are having a conversation would you?  What would you think of a friend who walked away just after you asked him a question? 

            What we would easily recognize as strange behavior, or rude,  in person somehow hasn’t made it to the internet.  How often have you stayed up late chatting with a guy, enjoying the conversation, when suddenly he stops replying. You wait; you feel guilty for being impatient, so you wait more. Then you look to see if he is still online only to find he’s signed off.  No good bye. Nothing, just gone.

            I think this should be avoided.  If you are chatting with someone, and you leave: say good bye. It’s polite. And it reflects well on you.  But if you are thinking that you don’t want to say good bye as to not end the conversation, because you realize that this chat can pick up in a day or so right where it left off, you may not want to say good bye in that window. I suggest, opening a new window to say good night.  This will close the conversation for the night, be polite to your friend, and keep the conversation window active.

            Just keep politeness always in mind.

Rule 4:  If you are chatting and in a conversation, and he doesn’t say good night let this go without complaint.

            We should treat online life the same as we treat other interactions.  While it is rude for your chat buddy to sign off without a good bye, do not take it personally.   Do not get upset, just move on.  Don’t bring it up the next time you are chatting with him. It will come off as whiny and nick picky. You don’t want that any more than you want him to be rude. 

            You can, however, keep this in mind and realize that he could be a rude person.  You can and should use it to determine if you are compatible. Or if he has a real interest in you for anything other than a causal chat.  This is really a sign of his interest in you other than chatting.  So while you shouldn’t be upset with him for being rude, you should accept that your interest and his interest may not be the same.

            Not being upset in this situation does not include a clear angry ending of the chat.  Signing off in the middle of a heated discussion is the same as hanging up the phone.  You may be upset in the kind of situation.

            Realize that not everyone will act the way they should in all situations.  So keep yourself free of unnecessary stress in this situation by understanding that the rules of politeness haven’t been established.  Just let this pass by without complaint from you the next time you see him.  But remember, letting this pass by doesn’t mean forgetting bad behavior.  You can remember and allow it to influence your assessment of him, his personality, or your compatibility.

           

Marshall Online #2 Self Portrait Pictures

Abundance of Self Portrait Photos

            It is a situation we have all come across when we set up an online profile: what photo to use.  We want a good picture that shows us in our best light.  So we go through all our pictures and select one that seems natural, that shows we are fun, that shows us smiling; maybe a picture that shows us looking handsome, or sexy.  We crop out everyone except us and post it.  Then we start searching profiles for a hot guy to chat with and we find profile after profile of Self Portrait Pictures.  So much so, we begin to wonder if we are supposed to have a self in the mirror shot; if that is required by the gods of the internet.  Initially, I wasn’t bothered by profiles with an abundance of self portrait pictures. But now I believe, a profile with an abundance of self portrait pictures raises questions and flags.

            I don’t think self portraits are particularly flattering. Most of the time, the picture is a little blurry, or not close enough to see his face clearly.  Sometimes he has a goofy look on his face because he is focusing on his pose with arm extended out to the side (as if to hide it)  and pressing the button without moving the camera.  Sometimes the flash covers the mirror and we can barely see anything.  Often the picture is taken at arms length and facing the person, which results in odd poses, angles and strange views. There is the great shoot from above that is also common as it hides that double chin.   And let us not forget the shirtless (or nude) self portrait taken by the web cam while sitting at the computer (pervy).

            If there is just one self portrait on his profile, I’m not bothered. It is when most or all of the profile pictures are these self portraits.

            Why does someone feel the need to do so many self portrait photos?  I think initially, one might just take a picture to get his profile started. That’s ok.  But that is rare.  You can identify this easily: the word “New” might appear on his profile.   And he will have the one photo, but within a short time, more photos will be added that are better, and the self portrait removed.

            Flag one: He’s a homebody with a small circle of friends. The first thing I usually ask is: don’t you have any friends who can take a picture for you?  I mean come on, whenever two or more gays are gathered together there is a camera in their mist.  Just ask him to take of photo of you at the Starbucks.  I wonder if he has any friends or many friends at all. The abundance of self portrait pictures raises the question of how much of a social person he is.  How many times have you gone out to a gay party (or any party) and had your photo taken with whomever you were talking with at that time?  You don’t even have to ask, someone will take a picture of you, just because he wants to.  If you are interested in someone who has few friends, or who doesn’t socialize often, a profile with many self portraits could be a sign to you that this is your guy.

Flag two: He’s hiding something.  Oh let’s don’t fall into that typical he hiding his gay self.  That could be true. But there could be something else he is hiding: what website he is on.  Most gay men have a profile of some kind these days. Not having one is more odd than having one. It isn’t scandalous to have a profile.  Very few people are going to be open about raunchy websites or websites that cater to the peripheral boundaries of sexual explorations.  Some guys want bareback sex, but they don’t want their friends to know about it. So to avoid answering questions about why the need for a picture, he just takes the picture himself.

What he could be hiding is not unsafe sex or raunchy sexual interests, but the kind of man he is attracted to and wants to date. If his circle of friends all prefer twinks and he is into chubs, he could be hiding that from his friends.  He is hiding who he finds attractive because he doesn’t want to deal with the discussions regarding why he would want a fat man. Gay men often don’t like for their friends to be attracted to nothing less than fit bodies. If this is so, then he has a low sense of self, and may get some of his identity from his friendship circle.  Go cautiously with this one, if you discover this to be the case.   If he is hiding something from his friends, and you get involved with him you may be helping him with a second coming out.  Or not being invited to join in many of the reindeer games.

Flag three: He is trying to appear sexually daring.  He has a picture of him laying on the bed seductivly with a pillow near the goods. Or he is at his computer naked, but we can’t see the goods.  What’s that hand doing?  It appears very sexy, and indicates that he has a wild side and is sexually free.  Except, it is done alone at his home.  That’s not wild: it’s just pantomimed fantasy.  We all are brave when we are alone at home. 

You’ll figure it out through your chat with him.  If this is the case, then get ready for some hot chat, but no live time action. Get ready for him to talk a big game and cancel your sex dates.  So when you come across this kind of self portrait, be cautious. I suggest going into the  chat thinking it will only be chat.  Even if he states that he is looking for a relationship, don’t be fooled.

            Flag four:  Lacks self confidence.  I was morbidly obese at one time. Then I lost weight and was looking good. But I was still overweight; I still have my belly (just less of it). However, my chest and arms and shoulders were looking great, and I wanted a photo to show my muscles.   But I didn’t feel comfortable asking someone to take the picture of me shirtless, showing off my muscles.  I was embarrassed at the thought of asking for assistance.  Why? Even though I like the look of what was happening to my body, it wasn’t finished. There is still a belly. I was still self conscious about my weight.  I lacked the self confidence to say: I need a picture that shows my muscles more, I’m proud of what I’ve done and I want to show off.  If I had that confidence I could have asked any friend, and even if he teased me we could have gotten better pictures, and had fun doing it. My brother wanted to be a body builder at one time, and he was always asking us to take pictures of him posing in the hallway. He had confidence; I did not.

            Discovering self confidence is not done by looking at the pictures alone. You will have to chat with him some.  But don’t worry, it will be clear quickly.  He’ll nearly scream: I don’t have self confidence.

            Flag five: Showing off his new toy, his camera or phone.  Yes I believe this is a possibility:  he’s gotten this new toy and played with it by taking a bunch of pictures of himself.  And he wants everyone to see he has an Iphone.   Not only do you have a huge mirror in your bathroom, but you have an Iphone. Congrats! The flag here is self involvement.  He’s the guy that will want to do what he wants to do, but not what you want to do. He’s the guy that gets the Xbox and suggest you guys play some games. What this means is he wants you to watch him play. He gets his camera and to test it out, he takes pictures of himself? Why not of the apartment or the block, or the dog? 

            The Self Portrait picture should raise a few concerns.  This concerns are merely possibilities.  Therefore, I don’t think you should avoid chatting with someone you find attractive because his profile is filled with self portrait pictures.  Be aware of these possibilities, be cautious and keep your mind open.