Marshall Online #5 Problems with Finding Dates

Problems with Finding Dates: Revelations from Online Chat

The Knight-on-a-White-Horse Syndrome

            The internet is one of my favorite things. I love going on line and chatting and flirting and playing silly games on Facebook.  I think it is a wonderful tool that allows us to connect with people all over the world; I now have friends in Australia. I’ve never had a connection to that mysterious place before.  When I bicycled across the country with my basset hound, I was able to meet and get places to stay because of the internet. My friends and family could follow me along on the journey.  Because of the internet you don’t have to be alone on such a journey anymore.

            There are some bad things with the internet too.  My focus is on online chat and the negative things surrounding it.  I think it allows people to create someone who they want to be, but are not. So instead of pulling us together, it separates us more.  I think it creates the illusion of intimate connections but keeps people in their homes alone and not making real intimate connections.  

            After many years chatting with guys online, I’ve noticed something. I’ve noticed that many are complaining about the difficulties of finding a boyfriend.  I don’t have a boyfriend presently, and normally I’d say I’m not one to offer advice on getting a partner. But this isn’t advice this is observations, my thoughts on what is wrong and what we can do to make it better.

            Side note: I said “make it better” I did not say find a boyfriend.   Note the difference.

            It always starts with a lament.  Oh woe is me, my life is bad, I don’t have a boyfriend.  Oh I’m so lonely no one wants to date me.  I get these kinds of statements all the time, and the evil side of me so wants to reply with: ‘Really? No one wants to date you? I do, I love sitting around at dinner with someone who is as depressed and sad as I am, please marry me.’

            But of course I don’t.  I try talking to him and finding out what he is doing to get dates.  I’m not going to dwell on them but I think a list with a quick reply of why it’s not a good idea is ok.

            1: Chatting online.  Ok this is good for pen pal relationships and some dates but you have to be able to communicate well with the written word for your personality to come out and get dates. And you have to have good readers too.

            2: Going to the bars.  Rare is it that we find a boyfriend at a bar. They are too loud, too dark, and people are boozing it up. These make meeting someone difficult.

            3: Nothing much.  Yeah well it’s raining men is a song not a weather condition. 

            Through discussions with these guys I’ve learned a few common things found in so many of them.

            Focused on finding a boyfriend.  Their entire being is focused on finding a boyfriend. So much so that everything they do is about finding a boyfriend.  A normal trip to the grocery is not about food, but the excuse to perhaps by chance meet their next boyfriend in the candy section.  This I fear is a mistake. And one that I’ve lived many times. There is an old saying that you never will find a man while you are looking for him.  And it’s true. I believe we put out a vibe that we are desperate for a boyfriend and that is a detractor.   I think it is because we are not focused on ourselves and our own happiness, but focused on the hope of happiness brought by someone else.  In the end we are not happy. And no one wants to date someone unhappy. In good times and bad times; in sickness and in health: these are wedding vows made after a dating period:: these are not matting calls.

            They are focused so much on finding a lover that they are forgetting themselves. I think when I meet guys like this, that all of their hopes and dreams are place on the shoulders of their future lovers.  Their happiness is on the future lover, he will make me happy.  That’s way to much weight for someone to carry.

            So many men online have no hobbies.  Hobbies are important: you got to have some.  You have to have some interest in something.  If you don’t have hobbies, you are missing out on so many fun things. Hobbies can change during your life too. You can try different things as you learn about them. No one is born with a hobby.  Hobbies are activities and past times that help us find happiness. 

I’ll ask men about their hobbies and they will say: I don’t have any. Then we’ll try to figure out what are his interests so I can direct him to a hobby, and I’ll just hit one wall after the next.  I don’t like to read, I don’t garden, I don’t go to the gym, I don’t to hike, I don’t blah blah.  Translation: I’m boring.  Look if you want someone to be interested in you, you have to be interesting.  Hobbies are a great way to do this.  If you’ve always wanted to learn to do something like quilting or knitting or woodworking, then go out and find ways to learn to do these things. You’ll find your mind is distracted and you have something that you enjoy to talk about later.

But mostly you’ll not appear as a man waiting at home for a lover to improve his life.

            Even if I am not interested in the same things you are, you can be an exciting person because of your excitement in your activities. You don't have to have a glamorous life to be interesting; you just have to be active.

            Along with a total focusing on getting a boyfriend is the creation of what that boyfriend will be like.  This is something I run into not only with men online, but in person and with women seeking men.  I don’t know that I can say I’ve noticed it with straight men.  What it is is this: the person creates the future husband.  A fantasy is created about that person, and that is who he is looking for. But that person only exist in his head.  This can be on how he looks, or as we say in on line “my type”.  So you are not seeing other guys who are right in front of you.

Here is an example: I have a thing for men shorter than me. If I’m in a bar or the gym or the store, if a shorty walks by, I’ll not be able to look away.  I used to check out this guy working out at the gym with his 6’ 5” friend, and I thought the short one was hot.  If the tall one was working out alone, I wouldn’t notice him. He once told me he would see me on the stair master and walk by to see if I would check him out, and I never did.  Well he wasn’t shorter than me and not what I was looking for.  For some reason, I was introduced to him and that’s when I saw him really. We then dated for a year.  I could have met him earlier, if I could have been able to see him, but he didn’t fit the fantasy I had about what I wanted my boyfriend to look like.

Stop dreaming about people who are not real and use that time to find some hobbies and make some friends. Go Volunteer!

Related to the creation of the boyfriend is creating the relationship with someone you are chatting with online. Look online is fine for meeting someone, but you must move it from online to in person quickly. There is a danger of creating a fantasy about that guy, his personality, your discussions, the perfectness of your dates etc.  All this is bad because in your mind he will be perfect; in reality he will not be that guy.  I chat with guys so often that say: I like to get to know someone online first and then meet them.  This is what happens when you do that.  In the end, you leave disappointed wondering what happened to the guy you were chatting with.  Meet the guy in person! You will get to know him, and the real him, and this will improve your chatting life too.

You can fall into this trap without the help of the internet.  So check your thoughts, if you find that you are day dreaming about your future husband,  you are in danger of creating a perfect model that he will not be able to be.

            Now that I have preached about getting some hobbies.  Many of you will go out and get some hobbies. You’ll join meetup.com to find gay groups that do that hobby, and you’ll think: Ok I’m going to go to this meeting (dance, film festival etc) and I’ll find my love.  Not going to happen. Why? Because you are still focused on finding a lover: not focused on making yourself happy.  Go for the hobby, for the fun of doing it. Do not go looking for your lover, he’s not there.

            That’s what is the biggest problem with finding dating: being too focused on the other and not yourself. All of the discussion comes down to that.  Focus on yourself. Stop thinking that if you have a boyfriend you’ll be happy.  That’s not going to happen.  You have to be happy with yourself, you have to be happy with yourself day to day in order to be happy in a relationship.  There is the big revelation that I learned from chatting with guys on line and why they are not dating. There are others, I may blog about them later too. But that is the biggest one. I call it the Knight-on-a-White-Horse Syndrome.  It’s when a guy is waiting for that knight to show up and make him complete, happy and fulfilled.  

            That’s a bad syndrome to have.

Online Etiquette Rule 5, Repeated Back to Back Compliments

Avoid Overly Complimentary Repeated Back to Back Replies

           

            This is how some initial contact messages go.  The person who initiated the chat will be “Contactor,” and the one he contacted will be “Guy”.

            Contactor: You’re Hot! (with a Wow emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: what a great body! (with gym emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: I love your face, so handsome! (smiley emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: Nice beard! (some emoticon with the eyebrows lifting.)

            Guy deletes this message, and doesn’t reply.

            Yes he deleted the message and didn’t reply. That’s what I do, and that is what I suggest you do in this situation. 

Now many will believe: oh he is just being nice and trying to be complimentary and you shouldn’t be rude to someone who is being nice.  But the Contactor wasn’t being nice, he was being obsessive.  Many readers may not believe that this happens, but it does and this was a good rendering of how I’ve been contacted initially, many times.  Multiple complimentary messages should never happen; they reveal many warnings about you that indicate you are not dateable.

            Starting off with a compliment is fine. I want this clearly understood. You’ve never chatted with him, so you may start off with a compliment—once!  Not twice or more. It is just once. If he replies with a “thanks” you’ve got his attention. That’s good.  Now move on. 

            Starting off with a compliment is NOT what I am discussing in this entry.  This is about multiple complimentary messages sent back to back.

            Flag 1: You are an idiot. Yes it sounds harsh I know, but that is the impression you are giving him. It may not be true at all, but that is what your actions show; that’s what he will think of you.  Basically you’ve just repeated yourself three times; you’ve just said the same thing again; you just keep talking about the same thing.  A semi-coherent person knows when he is repeating himself. If the impression you want to give is that you are mindless, repeat away; if not, stop doing this and show us your intelligent side.

            Flag 2: you are clearly only interested in his body.  I can’t think of any one reason more than this that makes you appear non-datable.  I don’t think many people like to be reduced to their looks.  It is great you find him easy on the eyes, but find him interesting in other ways too.  Or do you plan on talking about how handsome he is for the rest of your contact?  Do you image that you would go out to a movie and dinner, and instead of talking about his thoughts on the movie you would like to talk about how handsome he is?  You may be bedable, but not datable.

            Flag 3: You receive the grade of “needs improvement on social interactions”.  Compare to a face to face interaction: someone walks up to you and repeatedly tells that you are handsome: you’re handsome, your are hot, you are sooooooo cute, you have a great beard. How long before you walk away? Would that not make you feel uncomfortable?  The same is true for the internet.  If you send multiple complimentary messages back to back, you are doing just that, you are being odd, showing you are a less than socially savvy man.  I find this kind of behavior kind of rude.

            A person lacking in social skills will keep going with compliments in hopes to get the attention of the other.  The person without social skills thinks that if you haven’t responded with, thank you I am totally into to you, then it must mean he’s not got your attention.    It must mean must mean he’s not said the right compliment to get your attention. So what does the man without social skills do? He keeps complimenting.  It is one thing to get attention; it is another to keep attention. In this case, you’ve gotten my attention with the one compliment, but lost it with the second.  If you feel like you’ve done this in the past, or do it currently, your problem is not getting someone’s attention: it is keeping it. So change your tactics! You’ve got the nerve to approach; you’ve overcome the biggest wall. Now just learn how to keep the attention. (blog soon to follow). 

            Flag 4: Could mean you want a compliment to be given to you.  Hard to believe that someone would compliment hoping to get one, but it happens. And I think that this becomes clearer when the compliments keep coming. He’s just waiting for one. Well guess what, you ain’t getting one. Why? Cause you’ve creeped me out. If you are needing positive reinforcement and compliments I suggests getting friends who are positive people in your life, who encouage you, and are honest.  Do not be disingenuous and compliment some one in hopes he will find you attractive.

            Flag 5: you want me to take over and lead the conversation.  You really are interested in this guy for some reason, and you really want to talk, but you lack the social skills needed to carry on the conversation. So you just keep saying the same thing over and over again, hoping that the guy will understand you need help and take the lead in the converstation.  Not going to happen.  Nope. When you approach someone you take the lead.  Eventually he will reciprocate if he is interested in you.  But this is a discussion for another day (how to know he is into you.)  But this situation is the one that reminds me of  the middle school girl sitting and staring at the football player across the table. She is just so overwhelmed she can’t do anything but sigh, and just sits there hoping he will speak to her.  Catch yourself from doing this. 

            Flag 6: Do not do this in the middle of a converstation.  Up till now, I’ve discussed this multiple complimentary repeated messages as if it was the beginning of a converstation. But as hard as it is to believe it happens during one as well.  Avoid this temptation. It’s ok to toss in a compliment from time to time. Nothing wrong with it. Especially if the situation calls for it: he changes his profile picture, you find his facebok and see more pictures etc.  These are all situations that giving a guy a compliment is ok. But again, and I can’t say this enough, COMPLIMENT ONLY ONCE!

            It has happened a few times to me, and nothing stops a converstation faster.  It happened today. I’ve just started chatting with this guy, and I’ve enjoyed his chat, and I’ve appreciated some of the pointers his given me on job hunting. Then suddenly he sees my dog’s blog and it changes. He likes the picture of the dog and me, he says my dog’s daddy is really handsome, he says that I should get more of the two of us cause I’m so handsome.  Well now I’m bored. And I think he is also getting bored with me and doesn’t know how to pull the converstation to a close.  Look, my dog’s blog is a great blog, it is the story of our journey across the country on a bicycle. There are lots, and lots of fodder for chat inside that blog, just look.  I’d rather talk about suicide prevention, or how important animals are in our lives, or the horrors of puppy mills (all in her blog) than how I’m handsome.  These topics that are close to me, and one’s I’ve shared with the world.  Do you realize how crushing it is for someone to visit my dog’s blog and all they get from it is that my dog has a hot companion.  Gawd are you that superficial?

Aside suggestion: when he says thank you to a compliment and suggest you move on, do not tell him you are being honest.  Let’s use Contactor and Guy again.

Contactor:  You’re hot!

Guy: thanks

Contactor: you’ve got a great body!

Guy: thanks

Contactor: beautiful beard, so handosme

Guy: yeah I got it, thanks. Let’s move on now.

Contactor: I’m just being honest.

Guy: Oh I got it thanks.

Contactor: I’m just paying you a compliment.

Delete.

No you’re not, you are not just paying him  a compliment, you are given him seven.  And Guy here is clearly frustrated with the Contactor, but the Contactor doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see he is frustrating Guy, and he doesn’t pick up on that Guy is willing to chat with him: but he has to stop dwelling on his looks.  Now change the subject and lets chat.  And what’s the response: I’m just being honest.  Ok so now that I know you are not lying, I should just keep talking about how handsome I am? I never thought he wasn’t being honest before so why is telling me is just being honest?  Why? Cause he has nothing else on his mind but how good looking I am.    He is saying; Look I’m just being honest that you are hot.  In this situation the Contactor never leaves the compliment.

If you are told that you’ve complimented enough and you should move on to new subjects. MOVE ON! When you don’t move on, and keep on about being honest or whatever, you are doing one of the worst things to show you are not datable: You are not listening.  Nothing says updatable than someone who doesn’t listen.   

Sending multiple complimentary messages back to back does very little to get someone to be interested in you. You show you can’t carry on a conversation, that you are needing improvement on social skills. You make someone uncomfortable.  You’ve let your nerves get in the way of really showing us who you are.   If you find yourself doing this kind of messaging, stop, and think before you send the second compliment.  Asking how his day was is a better message than a second you are handsome.

           

Come Out All Ye Gays Who Are Already Out

Today is National Coming Out day, and I’m not going to just encourage those in the closet to come out, but to encourage those of us already out to come completely out.  A friend of mine posted a note on Facebook where he discussed how he and his family and friends had adopted a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell way of living.  He tells us how he posts things on his Facebook using filters so that some of the things he post will not be seen by all.  He tells us how he didn’t want to bring up gay issues with people for fear of upsetting others. 

            I don’t think he is alone in this DADT lifestyle, and neither does he.  I think there are many ways that we section out our lives so that don’t make others uncomfortable.  But really I don’t think we are saving others from uncomfort: we are saving ourselves from the uncomfort. Today I’d like to encourage all of us already out and living gay to ask ourselves: are we totally out? Or are we living with a self-imposed DADT lifestyle? We should figure out how we are doing this and stop doing it. 

            One way that I know that I have sectioned my life is by my blog.  My gay homo blog is new and it is one that I’m proud of. I love my topics and think they are really fun.  But I am also involved in another Blog: Antigone Goes West: A Basset Blog.  This is my dog’s blog, and one that I am really proud to be apart of.   Antigone wrote about our bicycle tour across the country and how she supports basset hound rescue and suicide prevention.  But these two blogs are not linked together.  Antigone hasn’t posted my blog on her blog, and I’ve not done the same. Why? I felt that the audiences were two different people.   This may be true, but it isn’t completely honest.  

            This is me partitioning my life.  Keeping my gay life out of my other life.   I feared that she would lose readers.  I am wrong to make judgments about them this way. I should give them a chance.  On her blog, I think she has mention that I’m gay, and we did do the AIDS Walk. So there are some hints, but hints aren’t being out. I think if I were totally out, I wouldn’t have given this much of a thought: I would have linked the two and not worried about it. When she blogged about the AIDS Walk, she would have mention we were doing it because I am gay, and that I want to be apart of my gay community, helping, and raising awareness.  She did say that we were doing the walk because I like doing these walks and want to do more locally, but nothing personal about my and being gay.  It was almost as if on her blog I removed the personal reasons why we did it.  This is not living out.

            Coming out of the closet means living out of the closet.  

            I think we can find other ways that we are not completely out of the closet.

            Social networking sites like Facebook are a way that we section off our lives.  My friend was using a filter to post gay things to gay people.   On my profile I have that I’m interested in men for relationships.  But also for friendship, networking, etc. So again, I’m not telling others I’m gay.  I think we can and should be open on these sites and post for everyone.  And allow questions and even disagreements.  Allow our friends and families to get to know us completely.  This will not be easy and there may be times that we have some fall out. But with each struggle we handle with dignity and respect, we will rise and change minds and hearts. And in time, we all become used to each other.

            I think gayborhoods can also be ways that we are staying in the closet.  I love a gayborhood, and I think each city could use one. If only so I don’t have to bar hop all over town.  So I don’t think we should do away with them, but I think that these help us live a fantasy life.  A life where we are surrounded by gay people, and visit the straight world for work—if we must. We get in the gayborhood and ignore the outside world.  All of our neighbors are gay or gay friendly, and we live totally open—but right there. Outside of the area we become nervous, scared, and insecure.  It reminds me of the little lady that moves from Mexico to New York City. She lives in a Spanish speaking area and she freely goes about her life. She does everything she needs to do in that area, speaking Spanish at all times.  Never does she go to other areas, where she would have to speak English (a language she doesn’t speak well).  What is the result? We never met her, and she never meets us, and we never understand how much alike we are.

            Self-imposed DADT prevents us from understanding how much alike we are.

            I gay square dance.  And I love it.  But this is also a way that we partition our lives.  I do not want to do away with gay square dancing any more than gayborhoods.  We differ from heterosexual square dancing in many ways: you can dance male or female regardless of your sex, gender or chromosomes.  While I think things like gay square dancing is important for us to have as it gives us a healthy way to meet each other; but I believe that we can also use it as a way to hide.  Many areas have square dance associations.  When a club has a dance, other clubs will also come and dance with them.  We can join in, and be gay square dancers with them. Some gay clubs do this.  But not all. And in the clubs that do go out to straight square dances, the members who actually go are just a few.  Let’s make this the norm; let’s stop being afraid. 

            Let’s find other ways we can join in with straight people in fun activities.  This year I wanted to play Kickball. But there isn’t a gay kickball league here. I told a chat buddy, and the next thing I know: he started a gay kickball team in a straight league. What other sports could we do this too? 

            Out political lives are also at times not open. I recently went to a forum on DADT. I’m so glad I did: I learned more about what DADT is and how it is being misused.  It was hosted at a gay center. At one point, one of the speakers said, I know I’m preaching to the choir. And that is it exactly.  I think we should have these things, forums on gay issues, in gay places, so that we are informed: but we must also do it in non gay places.  We must hold these events at other community centers.

How many gays support gay marriage but have not agreed to do my bachelorette protest, or to pass on the information? Why because it isn’t in gay areas, it's in straight areas, and they are nervous.  How many people were against Prop 8 but didn’t drive out of San Fran to help convince others Prop 8 is wrong.  We can’t wait and let the courts help us get our rights, we have to go out and get them.

            Let us use this National Coming Out Day to dedicate ourselves to coming out completely.  To living our lives out of the closet.  Let us drop our self imposed DADT lifestyles and be open at all times.