Marshall Online #12: Sex-chat

Marshall Online #12: Sex-chat

    

     We’ve all had sex chat I think. It happens so easily and without much effort that we are almost helpless to stop it. Even when we aren’t looking for sex chat, it slides in so quietly that we can hardly tell when it happens, until it is too late and we are chatting dirty. Sex chat isn’t bad, I don’t think, as long as we realize it is chat and not promises of liaisons.

     Sex chat is without a doubt gay erotica/porn online that is interactive. You need two people to do it, although I think more can happen too. This is really fantasy and nothing more. However, if you are sex chatting with someone in your area, make sure you don’t mislead him into thinking this is what you are really like: unless you are really like that.  Make sure that you are not making promises for tryst and that you are going to deliver something you cannot.

     Here are some tips to help you recognize the sex chat is about to start. With the hope, that you can catch yourself and stop it, if that is what you want. Even though these warning signs happen, one may not realize it, even after reading this. I know I don’t. If sex chat doesn’t bother you, then don’t worry about it, just keep reading and get some tips for effective sex chat.

     The converstation goes nowhere. This could be at the start of your chat life or in the middle of it. Suddenly you have little to say, and he has not given you much to say or to ask. But yet you are still chatting. You are saying about the same thing, what’s up, how you doing, what’s going on. Both of you are wanting something to happen. Like sitting next to each other just waiting on one to touch the other. This is pre sex chat.

     Not always does this develop into sex chat. Because both of you are unsure and shy about it, it may just stop there with bad meaningless converstation.  But if you send a subtle hint, he may respond. I’ve done it many times, and it works all the time. The next thing you know, you two are having some sex chat.

     He sends emoticons.  This can be as a greeting or in the middle of a converstation. He sends you a smiley face, and what he wants is sex chat. If you don’t believe me on this one, try it. Reply to that smiley face with: you look so hot in that second picture, yummm. He’ll reply, trust me.  I sometimes wonder if really the guy who greets with an emoticon just wants sex chat. I’ve tested this so much that I’m convinced that a guy who sends you a smiley face as a greeting wants you to reply with something sexual. This is with someone you’ve never chatted with before. Try it.

     Big Clues.  He’ll tell you he’s horny. He’ll mention his dick. He’ll say something slightly sexual. This is test to see if you reply in kind. If you do, the sex chat will be underway. This guy is not shy, and has lots of confidence.

     Finally, the Subtle Clue, “I wish you were here.” I get this all the time and for the longest time I had no clue what was going on. I wish you were here. Why? You don’t know me. We’ve just started chatting. But if you reply with: oh if I were there we’d be having fun, you’ll see a change in him quickly. He’ll reply in kind, he’ll keep that chat going, he’ll jump right on the chat. I don’t like this clue. It’s almost sad. It’s that I’m-so-lonely-please-love-up-on-me line.

     Oh and any kind of cuddle chat is sex chat see my blog entry on that Cuddle Chat is Sex Chat.

     But if you want sex chat, and that’s ok, here are some tips to becoming better at it. I consider myself a pro of sorts. Not because I’m a Casanova in person, but because I’m a creative writer. And what is sex chat but interactive creative writing.  But still, anyone can get good at this and anyone could be a pro. (Well most people.)

     Tip 1: understand this isn’t real, this is fantasy. So if you are a bottom and you are chatting with another bottom, you can sex chat as a top. This isn’t real, hell he more than likely lives half a world away, so you won’t called to prove your toppness. So when he makes the hint for sex chat; if you want, reply in kind and be the top. Explore what you would like out of a top. Explore your own dreams. See how he responds. He’ll like it, I’m sure.

     Tip 2: understand who you are chatting with.  This isn’t so easy, and may take some time, or have to back track some when you make errors. (But back track and correct and move on.) If you get a clue he’s not into something you said, don’t push it, move on. There is plenty to go by to figure him out some. Look at how he replies to understand him more. Are his comments shy and reserved: he may want you to take the lead. Are his comments forceful and strong: he may want you to follow.  Just pay attention to him, his comments, and how he types them. There is a difference between “Oh hell yeah,” and “nice”. If he replies with something that seems shy, then be more assertive, be more romantic, you can get him into it. If he replies with a comment about something else, stop the sex chat.  

     Tip 3: Be creative. You are creating a world, a sexual world, so be open minded and creative. There are no limits in sex chat of what you can do and where. You can set it on a beach, or in his house. You can tie him up, or be tied. You can caress his body or whip him. Make sure you are paying attention to your partner and keeping in line with what he is wanting, but otherwise go crazy. Explore ideas you’ve had and see how he replies. He may offer suggestions you had never thought about. Being creative is the most important. Be creative and go for it.

     Tip 5: type good sentences with descriptions. This is as important as tip 4.  Look at the difference between these two: “You’ll suck my dick,” and “I’d be on the chair and you’ll be on your knees in front of me, in that nice place where my legs touch your sides, you’ll feel my hand on the back of your head moving you to my crotch.” Yes one is longer I know but it makes for better sex chat.  The first one isn’t horrible, but it limits how I respond when I read it, how my mind responds and how my body feels at reading it. The first one limits that response to just my mouth or my crotch. And yes it is an “Or”. But the second one makes me feel more of my body and his body: hand on head, legs on the sides, and of course the mouth and crotch. This is more of a complete picture. Reading this will stimulate the mind’s imagination and he’ll love it.

It’s all in our heads, and the words we use stimulate our mind, our mind will stimulate other parts in turn.

     Tip 6: Cuddle at the end. Sometimes it happens that one of you get’s off during this. Make sure you cuddle at the end. Don’t just say: got to go. Take a few messages and tell him how much fun it was, tell him you’d do it again, tell him how hot he was. 

     Sex chat can be fun! But if it is not what you want then you need to get out of the chat. Simply, tell him you’ve got to go, or even “oh this is heading down a road I’m not ready for.” Being honest with your intensions and desires will help you stop sex chat right away. Stopping it before it starts is always best, so if you get a clue he’s heading down that path, stop it: do not reply in kind. If he says he’s horny, ignore it and ask about the weather. If he says he wishes you were there, tell him ‘well I’m not.”

     Sex chat is great as long as you stay open minded and honest. Don’t mislead people into thinking you are willing to do things you are not willing to do in person, but at the same time explore things. Just make sure he knows it is fantasy. I know it is hard to believe that people don’t know this, but they don’t always know it.

Rule #16: Flip Photos

Rule # 16: Flip Your Pictures Right Side Up

     This is a short entry, one I wish I didn’t have to make, but I do.

     I don’t know how many times I’ve come across profiles with photos on their sides or even upside down. Look I don’t want to go flipping my lap top to see what you look like. But thank goodness I can. If I were on a desk top, I’d have to flip my monitor. That’s just silly. So flip your pictures and then post.

     Your excuse of I don’t know how doesn’t hold water. It’s a simple set. You download the pictures; you look at them when you get to one that is on its side: you flip it, then save it. There is a button that has an arrow (one to the left, one to the right). All you do is click that and your picture turns. Like magic! Amazing all your friends, and helping you let others see you clearly and not think you are missing something upstairs.

     Rule #   : Flip your photos right side up.

Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friends Requests

Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friend Requests

   

     One of my favorite websites is Facebook. I love it. I love being nosing and seeing what all of my friends are up to. I love seeing pictures of their trips, their families, their lives. I’m glad I get news from my friends from across the world. I feel closer to them.

     But one issue that comes up often for people who are not on Facebook is that they don’t want all those high school people wanting to be their friends.  This is a small issue, although somewhat complex, and easily fixed.

     Let’s talk first about what Facebook is. Facebook is a website that automatically will try to connect you to people you may or may not know. It does this by looking at possibilities of who you are friends with, where you went to high school, and maybe jobs or other ways (education etc.). The strongest seems to be high school, and linking you with friends of friends. 

     The purpose of Facebook is to allow you to keep up with your friends in an easy way. But it can be used for any reason you like: hooking up, pen pals, sharing ideas, keeping in touch. That is your choice.

     First know that every question asked by Facebook when you set up your account doesn’t have to be answered. If you feel your teen friends are not worth your time as an adult, don’t put your high school information down. It is that simple.

     But eventually, we are going to get friend requests from someone we don’t consider a friend. What to do?

     Know yourself and your boundaries.  Establish what you want out of Facebook and stick to the ways that will help you get what you want out of it.

     For those of you who want to find old friends, but not old enemies here are some suggestions.

     1: don’t worry about them; they may not be interested in you. Stop allowing them to dictate your enjoyment even as an adult. I have a few ex’s on Facebook. We are not friends and we don’t bump into each other. We live peacefully in our own lives and in our own space. How? By not worrying about the other.

     2: You get a request from a former enemy. Don’t accept it. That simple. If the person brings back many bad memories just ignore it or say no. Either is fine. You can block that person too. You are not forced to say yes, it is your right to say no. And don’t let the fear of the past get in your way today. And don’t let feelings that you are being rude affect you either. You are not, you were not friends it’s ok to say no.  

     2.1: You get a request from a former enemy. Keep an open mind. People change. You don’t want to be reminded of past evils I’m sure. There could be many reasons why that person is contacting you. Or they don’t remember high school being what you remember it. I’m sure one of my friends from HS doesn’t remember calling me the “Biggest Fag in Chesnee,” or how a group chastised me for not being the same religion as them, how I was hit while she yelled ‘who do you worship, the devil?’ And if they did, it is in the past. I’m willing to give them a second chance. (So far the religious one has not mention that at all, and neither have I, again it is in the past.) I don’t want people to hold stupid things I did in the past against me, so I don’t want to do that to them as well.

3: when someone you don’t remember fondly asks to be your friend. You can say yes, wait a few weeks until they have gone on with their lives, then delete them. That simple, really.

Many people on line doing this forget who they have requested. And will forget that you and he were friends.

In general, keep in mind: you are responsible for your own circle of friends; you do not have to allow someone you don’t like or who brings up bad memories for you. You can either not accept requests, or block the person, either is fine. It is only online after all.

Allow for peace in all situations. If you give someone a chance and they turn out to be the same as in HS, delete them, trim the fat and get on with your life.

Facebook is a place for you to relax, connect and enjoy good memories. It is not a place for intimidation. You are in charge of that not the other: block, delete, don’t accept.

           

Rules 14,15: Regarding .Locked Pictures and Flirts

Rule #14;  Unlock Your Photos When you Message someone.

     Some websites don’t require a person to show his face on the profile, as well as allowing members to keep photos private or locked.  If you contact someone, unlock your pictures when you do.

     This happens to me all the time, I receive a smile on Adam4Adam and I can’t see who smiled at me. It’s kind of creepy. It’s like having a stalker. So when you smile at someone, go ahead and unlock your photos so we can see who smiled at us.

     I feel that this is rude of the person and you don’t want to start any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, with you being rude. So unlock the pictures when you sent the message. You can lock the again if you dislike the person.

     The excuse of being discreet doesn’t carry much weight with me. I find that it suggest you are ashamed of yourself in some way.  Is it that you are ashamed of being gay? Or of being on that website? Either way, you show me you are not comfortable with yourself and this doesn’t help me receive your smile or flirt and feel flattered.

     Of course some guys want to get ‘get to know’ you before they reveal who they are. Creepy! Again you are taking more than you are giving and the relationship is unbalanced.

     Fear not, reveal who you are and be polite.

     Rule #15   You Do Not Have to Reply to Smiles, Flirts, Ect if there is no face picture.

     There is no reason to encourage someone who is hiding.

     However, I sometimes reply with something like: I can’t see you. I can’t see your smile. Or why thank you person I can’t see. They never unlock their pictures.

     Don’t feel badly about it, just ignore it if you wish. See Rule #10.

Marshall Online #10

Marshall Online #10: 

Photos Tell The Story of You

     Every so often I run across a profile that I really think does a good job at presenting himself, and showing his personality. When you select your photos you should consult my guidelines for doing this. In general, the pictures should tell the story of you. In this example from a man I chat with from time to time, you’ll see the a good example of telling the story of you.

     We are going to call this guy Joe.

     Joe has recently updated his pictures on Bear411. Bear411 requires that all profiles have a face picture as the main picture. Joe has done this, and used a clear nice photo of him.

     The other seven pictures do more.

Picture #1 

     He’s imposed the words: As this is a bear site, here is the body hair pic to earn street cred. Whatever site you are on, know what it is about. Bears love hair and bellys. If you have one or both, show them! If you are on a site for leather, wear leather.  

Pictures #2

     The artsy pic for intrigue, he calls it.  Clearly he’s showing us that his got some smarts. He’s looked at the profiles and he’s seen what others have done, and is making fun of them while doing the same thing. He’s understood what people are doing on their profiles and does it with a great humor. If you can do something similar do it. Always try to show your smarts and humor. 

                                      Picture #3

    Picture showing my fun personality. Its outdoors, it’s with others, he’s having fun—and we can see it. Nothing says datable than someone who has fun, and has fun with others. This is really important: get photos of you in fun situations, and with others. Do not be an isolated with your web cam taking photos of you not smiling. Be fun!

Picture #4

    I might be outdoorsy.  Ok I see this on bear411 all the time, and I see it on adam4adam, and I bet you will see it on Recon—“I’m down to earth, I love the outdoors.” It’s become cliché to use these phrases. The only worse phrase is “love walks on the beach.” But Joe does something outdoorsy, something to show it. Can you do that? Do you go hiking? Get a photo. Do you play softball. Get a photo. Show us that you don’t repeat what other profiles state, show us you are outdoorsy.

Picture #5

    Something different. I just laugh. So many profiles have a picture of their city, or their house. Here Joe, does it but makes us laugh. Again, showing us he has a sense of humor.

Picture #6

     Hairy pictures. It’s for a bear site, and he points out how hairy he is. But this time he mentions sexual availability. This kind of a turn on, that’s a flirt.  It says dateable. I want to date a guy who flirts, and who is physically there. He’s showing us he is.  It’s not porn. It’s tasteful and fun.

Picture #7

     Finally, the last picture. The penis shot. What a fun way to show your penis. It’s great fun. It’s flirty, and it isn’t porn.

     Joe has done a great job with is photos. He is flirty, fun, funny. He really shows his intelligence with his captions that say: this is all a game, and I’m going to play along. See if you can work on the same thing on your profiles.

Online to Face to Face: Part II, Rule #13

     I Spy a Guy from Online: Part II

     Rule #13: If you see someone in public who you chat with, it is ok to say hello if the situation allows it, and you have chatted recently.

     What we are talking about is seeing someone and you walk up and say hello. People should be cultivating online connections that will develop into in person ones as well. You should not fear walking up and saying hello. If he is alone, like in a store, you can approach, get eye contact and say: “I think we’ve been chatting on line.” Or something like that. It is ok, as long as you are keeping it friendly and not making a pass (then I have nothing to say about that.)

Some people don’t want others to know where they chat or even that they chat online. That’s his problem not yours. If you keep it simple and vague and you’ve not revealed what chat site or what kind of chat you’ve had, and you’ve been polite, and he finds offense that’s his problem. If he doesn’t respond nicely and politely he’s a empty milk carton with not too many uses.

One of the most important things to keep in mind is that while you have recognized him, he may not recognize you. You are out of context. He’s used to seeing you with the same look on your face, with the same clothes on, and so forth.  And how many times have we met someone from online and he doesn’t look like his picture. Keep that in mind. I suggest making your approach with the same care you would if you have never chatted. Try not to be too forward, and don’t assume he knows you. A nice introduction is fine and works well. You can follow that up with “I think we’ve chatted online”.  This approach can work if it has been a long time since you last chatted.

     The situation is also important. I’ll be discussing this in more detail later. Just take a moment and look and see what he is doing. Standing alone at the bus stop? Sure why not.  Sitting down at dinner with friends? Maybe not then.  Shopping at the grocery store? Maybe as long as you don’t stalk him and spend time staring.

     If you are cultivating online friendship with people you are willing to be friends with face to face, then if he says hello, you should not be bothered.  He should feel it’s ok, and you should feel it is ok to do it to him.  If you can’t place him, just ask for his screen name and what website, and don’t be embarrassed. He should be ok with these questions. Regardless of the situation or why you think he is talking to you be polite. “Don’t over think the situation or overplay your hand,” Alex (a guy I don’t know from Facebook), is sound advice. If you keep yourself polite and friendly you have choices for the future.

Online to Face to Face: Part I, Rule #12

I Spy a Guy I From a Chat Site

Part I

     When I lived in Chicago, there was a slightly sleazy bar I loved to go to called Manhandler. The front of the bar was always dark with sexually charged videos playing. Then the back of the bar was a terrace, hidden from public view. It was quiet back there and I loved it on summer nights. Winter was no good.  I was sitting on the terrace talking with friends when a man walked by and said: “Oh hey Marshall. How are you?”

     I replied but I had no idea who he was.  I had never met him, had never even seen him. But he knew who I was. I don’t act like I know you when I can’t remember you, I just ask who you are.

     “Do I know you?
     “We chatted on bear before,” he said.  Still not enough info so I stared at him blankly.

     He told me his screen name, and I still didn’t know who he was. When I got home that night, I looked him up and then and only then did I remember him, and our brief chat a year and a half prior.  I needed to see him in the context of our entire relationship before I could remember him. Like when you see a coworker from the same building as you on Sunday at the beach: you don’t recognize her at first because she’s not where you normally see her, and not dressed like you normally see her. I was amazed that he still remembered chatting with me after nearly eighteen months, and remembered my name.

     I did not like his approach. I felt it was more disturbing than welcoming, and slightly unnerving. He spoke to me as if we were old friends. But we had only chatted a little, had one phone conversation, where I realized he was not a good match for me (and I believe he realized I was not a good match for him) and never chatted or spoken again. Yet he walked by and said: “Hey Marshall,” with familiarity.

     Honestly I think he was rude.  Not because he spoke to me, but he spoke to me as if we were old friends when we had ended our chat relationship months before and had never met in person. He acted as if we both had the memory of our chat as he had it. It would have been better if he had introduced himself and later said that he recognized me from Bear411.  

My belief, however, is if you are willing to chat to someone online, you should be willing to chat with him in person. The internet is a place to be nice and friendly and meet people but if you want it contained there, you should never go out in public or only chat with guys from way out of town.

     Some Rules regarding this are important and some guidelines too to help make sure we do this in a polite way. Over the next several days, I’ll post a rule and explain why that one is important. Then after all the rules ruling this topic are completed, I’ll post some guidelines to help in that situation.

    

     Rule #12: Only create chat relationships with someone you are willing to be friends with in person.    

     This was pointed out above. If you are not willing to talk to someone in public, do not have a chat with him. Do not create an online relationship or friendship if you are unwilling to make the transfer to in person. It reminds me of kids in elementary school who would talk and be friends with me at the park, but at school we were not friends and it was wrong for me to say hello.  We are adults and we should not cultivate connections with people online if we are unwilling to cultivate that in person. When we do this we are liars. We tell him by our actions we are friends online, in reality we are not.

     If you meet a guy in person and find out he’s a jerk, you can not only end your face to face connection but also your online one. But jerks so often do not go away.

     Keep in mind, even if you follow this rule others may not.

     To be continued . . . .