Marshall Online #7: Cuddle Chat is Sex Chat

Cuddle Chat: The Other Sex Chat

            You are online chatting with the guys.  Then you get a message that says: oh let’s cuddle. Sometimes it comes in the form of a flirt:  I’d love to be cuddling with you right now.

 Oh dear.

I just really don’t know what to say to this. But it totally annoys me.  And for some reason this weekend I’ve gotten a lot of Cuddle messages. On Friday, a man who I do not find attractive, who I’ve met in person and never message, but I do reply to his messages, he messaged me and said something about wanting to cuddle, then when I didn’t ask if I could come over, he suggested it again. 

Oh dear. 

Then today, I get two guys who start talking cuddle talk. It just annoys me. I really can’t stand it. Nothing, it seems, will bring out the villain in me faster than getting that message: let’s cuddle.

            I dislike it so much I put this on my Bear411 profile: “Let's talk briefly about chatting, constant messages of how much you want to snuggle with me are boring. That can't be the reply to every thing I say. I'm not your snuggle bunny.”  Today I learned that I need to clarify this some because I used the word “constant” which means he should be able to say it once; so it needs to be clarified that it is cuddle chat I don’t care for. I shall do this soon.  (But before I move on, if you are wanting to get to know someone why would you attempt something that potentially be considered as rude? We are not in person, face-to-face, so we can’t banter.) But even with that note on my profile, I’ll get messages about cuddling often. Well guess what? I’m a cynical bastard and I don’t cuddle with idiots who don’t read!

            But let’s talk about the Cuddling Chat. What is it really? It’s a couple of things.

One: it is a come on. If the guy is close enough to come over and he isn’t just saying he wants to cuddle but actually wants to cuddle, then it is a come on. He is making a pass.  He belongs in a bar in the 1970s with cheep lines like, ‘Let’s make like fabric softener and snuggle.”  And what he wants is sex, not cuddling. Or does he really think to men who are attracted to each other would stop at hugging in bed? Please! I guess I’m annoyed by Cuddle Chat because it is really sex chat, but done in an innocuous manner, which kind of makes it a lie.

Two: It is just sex chat. Or am I supposed to feel a strong emotional connection with this guy?  Gawd!  It is sex chat.  It is about talking about our bodies, touching.  Or is he wanting me to reply: Oh I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and feel your body next to mine and just hold you and make you feel safe.

Are you sick yet? I know I am. I’m a writer, but I don’t write Harlequeen novels.

I think what bothers me about the cuddle chat is that it is really a part of the language of lovers. It is what two lovers separated for a time might say to each other.  When you are deeply in love, and your lover is away, you miss him, you pine for him, your heart aches for him.  Then you find yourself saying: I can’t wait to see you and hold you all night long, or I miss hearing you asleep next to me, and feeling your body next to mind. 

Cuddling is what lovers do.  

Sometimes guys will tell me they were trying to flirt or trying to be nice to me when I call them out on the Cuddle chat.   But I don’t understand how this is trying to be nice, when in my profile I share a dislike of this.  And I don’t find that it compliments me. You are so hot I want to cuddle with you. Oh I’m supposed to feel complimented because you want to touch me.  Keep your hands to yourself until I know you. For me that’s the same thing guy Madonna queens say when they say: she’s so hot I’d do her.  I don’t find that complimentary, I find that degrading.

What I think is happening is that he is not feeling so good, he’s feeling lonely.  He is feeling lonely and wants some romantic attention to lessen that feeling.  Let me interject this: I don’t care about those of you who disagree with me, you may, but I’m right about this.  On line life is different from face to face in many ways, but motivations remain.  I know that there have been times when I’ve not felt good, and found myself hugging up to my friends a bit more than I should.  Why? Because the contact comforts me.  But the cause is the loneliness, or the bad day, or whatever.  Online life is no different.  So when I guy is feeling lonely, but is at home alone (when loneliness strikes so harshly) then he resorts to trying to get some attention, in a romantic way virtually. 

I think this is what bothers me about cuddle chat. I’m not your lover, and I’m not even your friend. I’m some guy you don’t really know, that you just saw my picture and thought I was hot.  I’m not the fantasy you are creating about me in your head. I’m totally different. If you are feeling lonely I can’t help you get over that. That is something you have to work on yourself. Go get some hobbies, learn to read, find something to do with your time besides dreaming of a boyfriend.

The problem I think is that the lines between online life and reality can be blurred. My statements in my profile on cuddling have shown how the lines of on line life and reality are blurred.  I often get this message:  “why don’t you like to cuddle?” From reading my profile the guys have understood that I dislike cuddling in person. Not true. I don’t like cuddle chat. So when you chat about something you’d like to do, you should be willing to do it in person.  Yet we all know that some men talk a big game and never produce.  Still the desires for moving something we find hot from online to in person is real and grows the more we involve ourselves within it. I think that is why I really don’t like to be involved in cuddle chat.  I don’t cuddle with people I don’t know.  So I don’t want to mislead him into thinking there is a romantic notions from me, when I’m not sure there is.

Treat cuddle chat the same as you would sex chat.  But know that the lines between fantasy and reality can be blurred so if you chat about cuddling with a guy you don’t like, he may walk up to you in a bar and want to hug.