Rule #11 and Exception to Rule #11: Delete Overly Sexual Greetings

Greetings: Overly Sexual

     Greetings! Greetings are important. I find out so much information about you from your hello.  This is as true online as in person. That first impression is lasting.  But some guys are too forward online, and send the most outrages greeting messages. Things they would never do in person. What to do? Do you reply with a thank you? Do you tell him he’s nuts?  Deal with him swiftly because he is not going to get you want you want.

     Delete the message.

     Send him straight to jail, he will not pass Go, he will not collect 200 bucks. Directly to jail—Delete it.

     There is no reason to do anything else. Regardless of what you are looking for, even if what you are looking for is sex-right-now, delete that message. Why? Because sex with this guy is not going to be fun. He’s past the stop sign before you are in the car. In bed he’ll be like a juggler with no hands.

     But let’s be sure we are on the same page here. Cause I don’t want to be accused of making sweeping generalizations about overly sexual messages. The topic isn’t sexual messages in general, the topic is: overly sexual greetings. This is your first contact. You’ve never chatted before, you’ve never looked at his profile (if you did you didn’t send a message). His first message to you is one of these (which I have received):

     Idiot404: damn you are one hot daddy, I’d suck your dick any day, do you need a son who is willing to take your cock at any time.

     Delete.

     Idiot 403: bookstore sex tues or wed, u choose day and time.

     Delete.

     Idiot498: I bet that ass taste wonderful, when do it get to eat?

     Delete.

     Look if you are looking for sex, and want to get the yeast rising quickly that’s fine, but at least introduce yourself. Try this:

     Notsuchanidiot: Hey Dude, nice pics you look hot.

     Guy: Thanks man!

     Notsuchanidiot: yw, how’s your day going? Anything going on?

     Guy: I’m good, not much, just being lazy on my day off. You?

     Notsuchanidiot: me too. Are you looking?

     There you have it. It doesn’t take long to do this. Just a few messages and you can ask in a rather polite way if the guy wants to make the most of his day off. If he isn’t interested at that time, you’ve shown him you are not a crazy, horned-up fawn in spring, and someone who he might, if he wants, continue chatting with, or contact you later when he is looking.

     A guy who is that forward is not going to be fun in bed. Look I know many of you will say: I like a guy who is direct, or it really depends on what you are looking for; what if a guy is on line for right now, or wants a son? Shouldn’t he reply to these messages? The answer is no.  No he shouldn’t. Here’s why.

     What do you think it means that some is that forward? He’s dropped his manners out the bed when he started sexually fantasizing about some guy fulfilling that dream. Notice it’s some guy, it ain’t you. He’s been in his closet polishing his shoes and dreaming about a hot guy who would rush in and mount his flag declaring it his property. Greetings should always be polite, always.  But his cuckoo clock is wound tight with the minuet hand just before the hour: he is so caught up in his sexual passion and need to make an old faithful, that he isn’t thinking clearly.  He has done all the prep work for the dinner, and nearly eaten the meal. By the time he gets to your house there will be little left for you to enjoy.

     However, some of you are online looking for sex. You are clearly on a sexual website, like BarebackRT, or Grinder.  On Bear you are Bear4Sex, and on Adam4Adam you are Online for Right now, or Online for Later Today.  And this now changes things a little.  I typically compare online to being in public like a bar, but on sex sites, the bar comparison no longer works. You are now in a bathhouse. It seems ok for someone to walk up to you very forward in a bathhouse (if taking is needed there).

     In this case you are opening the doors to it. You have stated on our profile that you are looking. I don’t think you can delete the message. Because, with your profile labels, you've said I'm looking for sex. You said it to him first.  You’ll have to reply and accept or deny. 

     But the general rule still stands for the rest of us, and for those looking for sex but have not stated that. I don’t think someone who is out of control worth your time at the moment. Even if you are looking for sex, this guy has done all the foreplay.  It will take you longer to get to him than the sex will last. You are welcome to chat with him at another time, and he may be a nice guy. But at that moment he isn’t thinking with clarity. It seems to be better to let him alone, and come back another time.

     Rule #11: Delete overly sexual greetings, from men you have never had contact.

     Exception to Rule #11: If you have posted you are looking for sex, or you are on a clearly sexual website or Grindr, you must reply to the message. You opened the door, and you must be polite. If you are not interested, just say so.

Marshall Online #9: Creating a Couple-Profile

Couple-Profiles: Make It About Both

     Not only do singles surf the net, but couples do as well. And these couples will often create a Couple-profile. I am split on what I think about it. I love when couples do things as a couple, but I’m concerned that it could mean some negative things. Like codependency, control issues, or a relationship that is on the rocks.  Most of the time, I’m confused on who is who, who I’m chatting with, and who is behind the profile. Sometimes I feel that my nervousness is not in reality, it is over reacting or over thinking it. Then I look closer at the profile and I see that it is truly a Couple-profile. After seeing several that I think exemplify how to do a Couple-profile, I’ve come up with some guidelines to help you create a true Couple-profile.

     Guideline 1: the main photo should show both of you. This is important and cannot be changed. If you are advertising yourself as a couple, then show the couple where everyone can see it. Some websites limit the number of photos a person can see, unless they pay, so make sure you show both where it can be seen. 

     Guideline 2: photos of the couple should be photos of both. Avoid putting two photos together to make a photo of you both. This suggest that both are not involved in this profile, and makes you look more like roommates than a couple.  Surly you have some photos of you both? If not why? Don’t you want to have pictures taken together? Get a friend and take some pictures. It’s that easy.

     Guideline 3: Names coordinate with pictures. This one is a rather difficult one, but it can be done. I came up with the guideline after I saw it on a profile. If the website allows you to put your names, as bear411 does, put both names. Then make the pictures parallel the names.  On your profile you’ll have: Hi my name is Rick and Dick.  Then in all your pictures Rick is on the left, and Dick is on the Right. And in your profile make sure you state: Rick is on the left, Dick is on the right.  This is great when it works out. And it can work out easily.

     Guideline 4: Photos should have the both of you.  I’ve seen couple-profiles with only one member of the couple in the pictures. When I run across this kind of couple-profile, I think that only one is interested in doing this. Look internet chatting isn’t for everyone. If that is the case for one of you, then don’t create a couple-profile. Just state in your profile clearly you are in a relationship. If you are going to have couples profile, then make sure you have photos of the both of you. Most of your pictures should be with the two of you. Pick a variety of situations to show.  Things you guys like to do together. And smile! 

     Guideline 5: a good head shot of each one of you.  While most of your photos should be of the two of you, you should have one individual photo of each of you. This should be a good head shot, so we can see your faces better.  I suggest this because it is often hard to see faces clearly in pictures with more than one person, or pictures at a distance. If you have photos that are clear and we can see your faces, this guideline is optional.

     Guideline 6: writing your profile. Just like your photos, make the profile text be about the two of you. If you give the stats for one, give it for the other. If you give the hobbies and interest for one, give them for the other. Some couples are looking for a third or for playmates, so make sure it is clear that both of you are looking for this and what both of you are looking for.

     Guideline 7: when you chat, chat together. I think if you are going to have couple-profile then both of you should be present for the chat. This isn’t so easy, I understand. But at least be in the same room, and both of you should be willing to take the keyboard and chat.  You do this because the profile is about you both. And if you are looking for a playmate, we need to know that both of you are on board here. I’ve been in situations, more times than not, where I’m told both are on board and want me only to get there and find out that one isn’t as into me as I believed.

     Guideline 8: remind us who we are talking to. Yes when you change hands, tell us. When you re-log on and start chatting with someone you chatted with before, just remind him who he is talking to. Not hard to do, just finish a few messages with your name. Marshall.

     Guideline 9: Do not lie.  Don’t lie, don’t lie don’t lie. All lies will be found out. Don’t tell others that both are ok with this if both are not. 

     Both of you have to be on board here.  If one isn't then don’t create the couple-profile.  It is that simple. Make it about both of you, or don’t make it. Extend the couple to all parts of the profile: photos, text, chat.  It is a couple-profile so make it about the both of you.

Rule #10 You Do Not Have to Reply to Guestbook Signings, Winks, Smiles

The Obligation to Reply to Guestbook Signing, Winks, Similes: Rule #10

     This is a topic that I have not addressed: Must you reply to everyone who sends an initial formulaic message?  This was a hard one for me and I needed to think about it some. I like these little messages, and I think they are great ways to ease into a conversation.  Over the past few months I’ve thought about this a great deal and I’ve come to this conclusion: No, you have no obligation to reply.

     This rule is for initial messages that come in the form of a guestbook signing, or a wink, or a smile.  In general you’ll hear people say: oh you should at least say thank you, he did put an effort in saying hello to you, so you should be polite.  I understand this perspective and I think it is a good way to look at online life. However, if we are trying to make online interactions as close to face to face interactions then we need to readjust this.

     Those passive ways to say hello, the guestbook, the wink, the smile, they are equal to eye contact at a bar. They are not equal to walking up and starting a converstation. They are not equal to paying someone a compliment (even though bear411’s guestbook gives you the choice to say: you are handsome). These ways to say hello are simply eye contact across the bar. They are nothing more.

In the bar he looks at you, sees if you return his eye contact. If you do, he moves forward and finds a way to start talking to you.  In the online world, that eye contact comes in the form of the wink etc.  In a bar, if you see someone is looking at you and you are not interested, you don’t return his look. You don’t have eye contact. And if you do my mistake, you turn away, putting your back to him, or walk out of the room. You do not return his eye contact. Why should the same thing not be the case online?

Therefore, if you look at him, read his profile, and feel you are not interested then do not reply to those messages. It isn’t rude.

This also extends to all emoticon initial messages to anyone.  If someone sends you an emotion, you don’t have to reply: he has not actually done anything other than look at you. If you are not interested then look away. You would in person.

I often send the wave emoticon to people I’ve chatted with for years. If I don’t get a reply, I think: well all I did was wave. 

The same should be looked at for one word messages that seem like greetings.  Have you ever gotten this: “hello,” that’s it. Nothing else just “Hello”. “Hi,” “Heya,” oh Lord.  If you live in Portland, I know you have! While this is better than “hot,” “smoking” “stud,” it isn’t much better.  This is not converstation. To make the bar comparison, this is like walking up to get a drink at the bar, passing someone and saying hello, and if he turns to say hello back, maybe you’ll stop and chat. I think of this like those idiot passive aggressive guys who I don’t like, but that want to be friends with me, and I don’t care to be their friends, so they walk by while I’m talking with someone else and they toss out a “hello” expecting me to turn toward them, stop talking to who I’m talking to and give them all my attention. This is the guy who will later say, oh his conceited I say hello to him all the time and he never replies.  Gawd! Learn some manners!

I realize this seems rude. It seems like you are taking his effort and ignoring it. And well you are doing that, but that doesn’t make it rude: that makes it honest. You should never feel forced to talk to someone who you do not want to talk to, you should never feel obligated to reply to someone you are not interested in. In person, if all you got was a glance at the bar, you wouldn’t feel guilty.

Rule #10: you are not obligated to reply to every guestbook signing, wink or smile that comes your way. This includes any initial messages that come as emoticons or one word greetings. 

Marshall Online #8: When Everyone is Looking for Right Now

Marshall Online #8: When Everyone is Looking for Right Now:

Rules for Navigating Overly Sexed Terrain

It seems that many men get online as another way to meet guys for dating.  I know I have in the past and do. I think it is a valid way to meet people, the same as going to a party or a bar or an event.  Online is a comfy bar, where you get to sit at home and watch a little TV at the same time.  And what’s on the TV is your choice and not the porn shown in the dingy bar.  But just like in real life bar situations, or any situation where you meet a guy for that matter, he might not want the same thing you want when you meet.  He might not be looking for the same thing you are looking for.

We hear complaints often that guys online are just looking for sex. And it is true that many guys are online  just looking for sex. But I don’t think it is any different than in person meetings, it’s just in person we know how to hide it better.  Let me break here for a moment, it is true that the reason for some guys to be online is only for sex, and that is different than meeting guys during an event or doing a hobby.  I square dance. When I go to a square dance, I go for the dancing and not to hook up.  I think this is a common attitude for men and their hobbies—they go for the hobby not to hook up.  (It is also true that many men are looking for a husband, and every part of their lives is about finding a husband and not the activity. See my former blog.)  But even in situations where a hobby is the focus hooking up can happen, relationships can develop.  It isn’t unusual to meet a sex partner at a church event, or a husband in a bar.  But as compared to online life, I don’t think it is much different.  Lots of guys are looking for sex right now, not a husband, at bars, at the store, at an event. 

I think we encounter it more online, at least feel like we do, because websites allow you to label yourself. On Bear411, you can be Bear for Love, or Bear for Sex, or Friendship, or Chat.  You get to put a big label on your profile that announces it to the world.  On Adam4Adam, guys can put many reasons why they are online in a tagline that appears at the top of the profile:  online for right now, for later today, for weekends, or just online.   Unlike bear, on Adam4Adam can also, through their profile questionnaire be online for 1-on-1 encounters, AND group-sex, AND relationship.  I get to be more open about the many things I want. 

We would see just as many guys looking for sex if we wore these labels out and about. Could you imagine going to the Eagle and all the men wearing a tiara with SEX or HUSBAND on it announcing why he goes out to the bars?  TO GET DRUNK AND NOT REMEMBER THE IDIOT THAT BEDS ME.  If only.

I think Adam4Adam’s top label explaining why I’m online right now, and allowing me to put I’m looking for a relationship and group sex in my profile explains an important point.  I maybe online in general to meet guys and find a husband, but sometimes I’m cruising.  The problem with the labels is that it labels us one thing, and permanently.  When we show a contradiction (like in my profile stating I’m looking for a relationship, but at the top it says, online for right now) we confuse the reader.  Sure I’m looking for a relationship, and I’m working at cultivating those.  But there are times when I’m looking for some action, and expect nothing more that lovely encounter. (Lovely encounter assumes he produces what he promises, doesn’t surprise me with some odd kinky thing I’m not familiar with, or an odd request I can’t fulfill.)

On top of the blatant labels we create, guys online are more forward than in person. You might encounter a guy in a bar who is making a pass, and is clearly making a pass. He buys you a drink, he stands really close, he touches you:  but this takes time.  The guy who gives you that t Follow-me Look as he goes to the bathroom is in the bar for right now.  But, he give you that look and not the whole bar, the whole bar doesn’t see his sly maneuver.  What rarely happens is you walk into a bar, and are there for five minutes and have two or three guys asking if you are looking for sex.  Yet it happens online all often.

Look familiar?

First message from Him: you look hot, I’d like to spank my monkey over your belly

Or:

First Message: u r so hot, my dick is hard now just wanting you to sit on it.

If someone did that to you in person you’d slap him. 

They can be a little slower, and more subtle.  Have you ever had this or something similar happen to you as you start chatting with someone:   

Him: Hey, what’s going on?

Guy: Not much, what’s up with you?

Him: Not much. Just hanging out and making the key board sticky. 

Oh those subtle cues. Some cues are becoming universal like “are you looking.” Others are more regional. Here in Portland, I’ve noticed that when you ask where he lives it is to determine if he is close enough to play with right now.  All these little clues are ways guys make a pass online.  He wants to see how you react, see if you pick up on it, see if you reply in kind. Either he wants some sex chat or he will move on trying to get you to come over.

            The forwardness doesn’t just stop with asking if you want to come over. No it goes right down to the kinkiest things you can think of, which makes the issue of so many guys online looking for sex seem worse.  These are things people really should reserve till they get to know you.  I’ve been asked if I would mail some of my dirty underwear, with instructions on how many days I should wear them, how to make sure there is some pee drippings in the front, and request for a few self enjoyment sessions to be left.  I’m mail those right away! And in few months they will appear at a crime scene.

The forwardness isn’t just about reality, it is also about fantasy. Guys will ask questions about you so they can fantasize, and you can help them get that key board sticky.  I’ve been asked when was the last time I showered and the last time I went to the bathroom (number 2), because he wanted me as dirty as I could be. I’ve received request to rub my finger in the line in the inner thigh, and then describe the smell.  Really? Dude really? Get some social graces will you!

In bar terms, these request all come before I’ve finished my first drink, sometimes before I have a chance to order.

            So we have labels announcing that we are looking for sex, we have the forward men who are not in control of their fetishes, we have the bravery of not being in person, and then we have Chuck who just wants to go on a date. Poor fella. He’s confused, he’s discouraged, he’s lost.

            Listen Chuck, you can navigate this terrain easily with just a few simple pointers.

            1: Realize that all labels can be changed without notice.  Yes he may have been bear4sex when he created the profile, but now he’s not.  Look at how he is talking to you to determine where is his today. If the chat is about sex, don’t engage him.  Tell him you are not looking for that right now, but when you are, you’ll contact him.  And let him know that when he isn’t looking for sex but a date, he can contact you. Don’t burn that bridge and don’t be judgmental.  Have you never been horny, or so lonely the loneliness comes out as horny squared?

            1B:  don’t be judgmental.  Always look at how he chats with you to see where he is. He may often be looking for sex, but your profile may have started some new thoughts in him.  He maybe connecting to your chat, and my suddenly be open to dating without realizing it.  You can’t know what frame of mind he was in when he updated his profile. A relationship end, a series of bad dates, feeling frisky at that moment: these are all reasons why a person my put they are online for sex, and all of them are not lasting. Listen to him, and give him a chance.

            2: Try not to let your frustration come out with others.  Look it is just a part of online life and once you accept it, you’ll be happier. You won’t get frustrated and share that frustration with other guys. I find it a turn off when guys lament to me that everyone is looking for sex and how bothered they are about it. I’m bothered that you chose me to let out all your negative energy, and lament to: I’m looking for a date not a patient for therapy.  I’m bothered that you don’t want to talk to me about me or about my hobbies, or my book club. I’m bothered you can’t just relax and let it go, let’s have some fun.  So don’t let the sex cruisers get in your way of making a good impression with others.

            3: End a chat if it is too sexual for you.  Often I think we feel the pressure to keep talking to someone online because we have not yet developed the social graces that we have in a bar. If you were in a bar and someone was making a pass at you, you’d walk away, give a signal to a friend that you need to be rescued, you would down that martini like a shoot and go get a new drink, and never return.  If he were touching you, you would end it quickly.  But online we get caught up in it because we are not physically being touched, and we don’t have action plans of escape. You don’t have to keep chatting with someone who isn’t talking about something that doesn’t interests you.  

Online, you have choices.  You can follow the suggestion in rule 1.  You can just not reply right away, but wait for a day or so and start a new conversation.  You can block him.  You do not have to ever, in person or online, put up with being manhandled verbally or otherwise.  Always be polite, stay calm, and just move way.

A quick note on blocking: do not be afraid to use it. If he is a jerk, that might not change in time. Block him, you’ll never know he sends you messages and all the frustration you feel about him will end.

            4: Be yourself, stick to your goals and don’t get side tracked.  If you maintain yourself you’ll navigate these guys easily. You’ll push that sex chat out, you’ll maintain a pleasant attitude, and you’ll find more guys like you.  They are out there. So don’t fill your time with guys who are not in the same concert hall as you.  You may chat with less men, but you’ll chat with nicer men.

            Four simple rules for navigating that overly sexed online terrain.  It’s ok. You are not alone, others are looking for relationships too.  But remember, online is but one way to meet guys, and it is not the most important way, or best way, just another way. If you are looking for dates, see my previous blog Marshall Online #5 for some ideas.