Marshall Online #6: Statements about STD Status

Statements about Status of STDs: Revealing a Caste System

            This is something that you’ll come across often in your profile search: a statement about his STD status and a request about yours.  It comes in a few forms: DD free you be too, tested neg on (date), neg seeking same, STD free expect the same in others, Poz.  Most—if not all—of these status statements refer to HIV only.  Most guys don’t consider that there are there are some 25 STDs (I actually think this number is low) and many are incurable, while others are become harder to defeat with antibiotics.  Regardless, these statements are made for a reason, and have lead me to believe that there is a caste system in gay culture.    

            There are two major castes: Neg, a rogue caste, and Poz.  Those living in the Neg caste look at themselves as the top, and often reject someone who is in the Poz caste as soon as the information is given.  There are some who do not acknowledge the caste system with their actions. These guys will date in any caste without thought about a person’s HIV status as a determiner.  These guys do not accept the cast, therefore do not fall into a caste, and belong to the Rogue Caste.  Then at the lower levels are the Poz caste. This is a group that is often shunned online by the community that supposedly is on their side.  The Poz group is divided into families; I base this on how they describe themselves online (if they do): Poz, Healthy and Undetectable Poz.

            The Neg group often will boast about their status on their profile. “Tested Neg on (date)”: This is a popular one to post on profiles and usually this one doesn’t come with a request that you also be negative.  It is just the boast and the time of the test, so you know when it was.  The hidden intended meaning in this statement is that this guy is doing the right thing and getting tested.  We should be tested for HIV on a regular basis. All gays should as well as all sexually active people.  When you run across this statement you know that the man you may have sex with later understands this and has been tested. He is one that is concerned about his health and yours.  The hidden meaning is that you should trust and not worry with him (but he implies you don’t have to worry about him like members of another caste.)

            However, don’t be so quick to let his statement speak for him and his sexual habits.  Being tested only shows what you were around the testing date, not what you are right now.  You’ll be having sex with him in present time, not past time.  And stating that you were tested only shows that you had a test.  What you need to know from him is not when his last test for HIV was and the results: but what are his habits with safe sex.  His sexual habits with safe sex should be the determining factor for you not his test results.  Keeping in mind that this is only a statement about his HIV status, not any other STD.

            I find that this kind of statement is just bad advertising. It is boasting about something that isn’t boast worthy.   It is a kind of false sense of security.  It is kind of the creepy guy in the bar telling you not to worry about having sex with him because: “I’m clean,” he’ll say. 

            Sometimes men will take a photo of their test and post it on their profile as proof they are not lying.  I don’t think any of these guys are lying, if they post the picture or just state they were tested. I think they have been tested and want to tell you the results.  But it doesn’t matter: a test shows the results of what you were around the day of the test, not today when I’m seeing your profile.  The photo of the test results is an extreme attempt to prove he is not lying. It is a pathetic attempt to get attention.  I really think this guy has some self esteem issues, (no proof of this just a gut reaction) and he is using this as a way to show how much better he is than someone else.  It’s just sad. Put the test results away and work on your personality.  

            The other statements about being disease free tell me he may not know as much as he wants me to think he knows about STDs.  When he states: STD free: does that mean that he has been tested for HPV or Syphilis?  Or does he think he’s not infected with an STD because he’s not had that burning feeling when he goes to the bathroom? What he wants you to know is that he is not going to be a threat to your health. But how can he know this?  He can’t.  Unless he has been tested for infections individually.   Being tested for HIV does not include other infections. So the statement STD free is (or could) be completely wrong. 

The same rule applies here as if he gives you his neg HIV status: find out his safe sex habits to determine if you want to have sex with him, and make sure his habits match yours.

The Poz Groups come next, and are the lower levels of the caste system.   On these profiles, the man tells you that he has tested positive for HIV.   

The top most Poz family is the Poz with qualifier: Healthy Poz, Undetectable Poz.  These both share the higher caste in the Poz category.  Congratulations you are successful at mistreating others the same way you are being mistreated. 

At first I saw these as two separate castes.  A healthy Poz, I thought, was someone who although HIV positive was keeping himself healthy, in shape, eating well. He is saying: ‘look I’m HIV Poz but my body is killer, I’m a stud!  I do this to help fight the virus.  So I’m not as bad as you might think I am, I’m not just Poz, I’m HEALTHY poz.’   An undetectable Poz, I thought, was someone whose viral count is so low that it appears as if he is not HIV positive.   He is saying:  ‘I’m Poz officially, but not really; see the drugs are beating my virus down so much that we can’t find any in me.’  Give them both medals.

 But I’ve recently learned these two Poz Families are the same. They are the same in meaning and treat other Poz groups the same as the Neg group will treat all Poz groups. What Healthy Poz and Undetectable Poz refer to is how their particular strain of the virus responds to medicines.  Some strains of HIV are tougher to control than others.  Men who have the weaker virus to control do not want to be exposed to the stronger.  Therefore, they will cut out anyone who isn’t the same caste as they are, just the same as a Neg caste member will cut out a Poz caste member.  It is the same energy in all cases.

  But no one knows if a person is in this lower caste if he only states Poz.  So a chat will be establish by the other Poz person to gather this information.  Soon a question about what medicine is being taken will be asked.   They know what medicines are used for the different strains. Once they know this bit of info, they will know if the guy is in the same caste.  If he isn’t in the same caste is will be let go.

In the case of the Poz group I think their statement of their status on their profile is too soon.  Information about illnesses or mental conditions and the like should be left till later. You would never walk up to someone in a bar or in a cafe and say “Hi nice to meet you, I’ve got lung cancer.” So why are guys doing similar online?  Is it an attempt to be upfront about their status so that before we have sex we are informed? If so why not wait until the chat.  This is personal, and I feel, can be left to when a person is closer emotionally or physically.  But I think these guys are putting this out there not just to be honest but to weed through guys who have a prejudice against people with HIV. 

And this is what reveals how much of a caste system we have: many Poz people put this out right in front because they have experienced this kind of rejection.  They know there is a chance the guy chatting them up, telling them they are hot, and all that, once it their HIV Poz status is revealed, this same guy will stop chatting. I know of no other virus, illness, condition where people will do this. I had a roommate that was bi-polar and he would never have put that on one of his profiles.  But with HIV status, people do. And I think the only real explanation for this, is because each time someone rejects you because of your status it hurts. It hurts to be rejected by the community that is open-minded and supposedly on your side.  It hurts as much as when family rejects you.

`           There is also a group the do not share any information about their status regardless of what it is.  It could be that they do not know their status. Many gay men do not get tested regularly or at all, and my not know what their status is.  Other men may not what to share their status with someone they don’t know, and wish for privacy.  I think this is fine. I think that stating your status is not required on your profile, and boasting that you are HIV negative isn’t attractive.

            With the group that do not share their status, you can only know their status when they tell you. Do not make an assumption they are not HIV positive because they didn’t post they are: Poz men are not required to do this, and should not be required.

             Of course in all of these Neg status statements, there is no comment or thought about the others. It is all about self wishes, self desires, and self pleasure. It’s all: I want someone who isn’t poz, or I want to have unsafe sex and feel ok about it.  It isn’t about meeting someone falling for him and creating a bond between each other.  It is about ways to reject people, mistreat them and make them feel less than valued.

What these statements regarding status reveal is the caste system.  Where one might think that is just self preservation, it isn’t.  It is just a way to turn someone down for a date.  This makes us no different than those outside our culture treat us.  Amazingly, Poz people often do the same thing too, with qualifiers that make them not just Poz but Healthy Poz.  It’s all bad energy and a way to ignore someone. I think the caste system shows our lack of maturity as a culture.

Marshall Online #5 Problems with Finding Dates

Problems with Finding Dates: Revelations from Online Chat

The Knight-on-a-White-Horse Syndrome

            The internet is one of my favorite things. I love going on line and chatting and flirting and playing silly games on Facebook.  I think it is a wonderful tool that allows us to connect with people all over the world; I now have friends in Australia. I’ve never had a connection to that mysterious place before.  When I bicycled across the country with my basset hound, I was able to meet and get places to stay because of the internet. My friends and family could follow me along on the journey.  Because of the internet you don’t have to be alone on such a journey anymore.

            There are some bad things with the internet too.  My focus is on online chat and the negative things surrounding it.  I think it allows people to create someone who they want to be, but are not. So instead of pulling us together, it separates us more.  I think it creates the illusion of intimate connections but keeps people in their homes alone and not making real intimate connections.  

            After many years chatting with guys online, I’ve noticed something. I’ve noticed that many are complaining about the difficulties of finding a boyfriend.  I don’t have a boyfriend presently, and normally I’d say I’m not one to offer advice on getting a partner. But this isn’t advice this is observations, my thoughts on what is wrong and what we can do to make it better.

            Side note: I said “make it better” I did not say find a boyfriend.   Note the difference.

            It always starts with a lament.  Oh woe is me, my life is bad, I don’t have a boyfriend.  Oh I’m so lonely no one wants to date me.  I get these kinds of statements all the time, and the evil side of me so wants to reply with: ‘Really? No one wants to date you? I do, I love sitting around at dinner with someone who is as depressed and sad as I am, please marry me.’

            But of course I don’t.  I try talking to him and finding out what he is doing to get dates.  I’m not going to dwell on them but I think a list with a quick reply of why it’s not a good idea is ok.

            1: Chatting online.  Ok this is good for pen pal relationships and some dates but you have to be able to communicate well with the written word for your personality to come out and get dates. And you have to have good readers too.

            2: Going to the bars.  Rare is it that we find a boyfriend at a bar. They are too loud, too dark, and people are boozing it up. These make meeting someone difficult.

            3: Nothing much.  Yeah well it’s raining men is a song not a weather condition. 

            Through discussions with these guys I’ve learned a few common things found in so many of them.

            Focused on finding a boyfriend.  Their entire being is focused on finding a boyfriend. So much so that everything they do is about finding a boyfriend.  A normal trip to the grocery is not about food, but the excuse to perhaps by chance meet their next boyfriend in the candy section.  This I fear is a mistake. And one that I’ve lived many times. There is an old saying that you never will find a man while you are looking for him.  And it’s true. I believe we put out a vibe that we are desperate for a boyfriend and that is a detractor.   I think it is because we are not focused on ourselves and our own happiness, but focused on the hope of happiness brought by someone else.  In the end we are not happy. And no one wants to date someone unhappy. In good times and bad times; in sickness and in health: these are wedding vows made after a dating period:: these are not matting calls.

            They are focused so much on finding a lover that they are forgetting themselves. I think when I meet guys like this, that all of their hopes and dreams are place on the shoulders of their future lovers.  Their happiness is on the future lover, he will make me happy.  That’s way to much weight for someone to carry.

            So many men online have no hobbies.  Hobbies are important: you got to have some.  You have to have some interest in something.  If you don’t have hobbies, you are missing out on so many fun things. Hobbies can change during your life too. You can try different things as you learn about them. No one is born with a hobby.  Hobbies are activities and past times that help us find happiness. 

I’ll ask men about their hobbies and they will say: I don’t have any. Then we’ll try to figure out what are his interests so I can direct him to a hobby, and I’ll just hit one wall after the next.  I don’t like to read, I don’t garden, I don’t go to the gym, I don’t to hike, I don’t blah blah.  Translation: I’m boring.  Look if you want someone to be interested in you, you have to be interesting.  Hobbies are a great way to do this.  If you’ve always wanted to learn to do something like quilting or knitting or woodworking, then go out and find ways to learn to do these things. You’ll find your mind is distracted and you have something that you enjoy to talk about later.

But mostly you’ll not appear as a man waiting at home for a lover to improve his life.

            Even if I am not interested in the same things you are, you can be an exciting person because of your excitement in your activities. You don't have to have a glamorous life to be interesting; you just have to be active.

            Along with a total focusing on getting a boyfriend is the creation of what that boyfriend will be like.  This is something I run into not only with men online, but in person and with women seeking men.  I don’t know that I can say I’ve noticed it with straight men.  What it is is this: the person creates the future husband.  A fantasy is created about that person, and that is who he is looking for. But that person only exist in his head.  This can be on how he looks, or as we say in on line “my type”.  So you are not seeing other guys who are right in front of you.

Here is an example: I have a thing for men shorter than me. If I’m in a bar or the gym or the store, if a shorty walks by, I’ll not be able to look away.  I used to check out this guy working out at the gym with his 6’ 5” friend, and I thought the short one was hot.  If the tall one was working out alone, I wouldn’t notice him. He once told me he would see me on the stair master and walk by to see if I would check him out, and I never did.  Well he wasn’t shorter than me and not what I was looking for.  For some reason, I was introduced to him and that’s when I saw him really. We then dated for a year.  I could have met him earlier, if I could have been able to see him, but he didn’t fit the fantasy I had about what I wanted my boyfriend to look like.

Stop dreaming about people who are not real and use that time to find some hobbies and make some friends. Go Volunteer!

Related to the creation of the boyfriend is creating the relationship with someone you are chatting with online. Look online is fine for meeting someone, but you must move it from online to in person quickly. There is a danger of creating a fantasy about that guy, his personality, your discussions, the perfectness of your dates etc.  All this is bad because in your mind he will be perfect; in reality he will not be that guy.  I chat with guys so often that say: I like to get to know someone online first and then meet them.  This is what happens when you do that.  In the end, you leave disappointed wondering what happened to the guy you were chatting with.  Meet the guy in person! You will get to know him, and the real him, and this will improve your chatting life too.

You can fall into this trap without the help of the internet.  So check your thoughts, if you find that you are day dreaming about your future husband,  you are in danger of creating a perfect model that he will not be able to be.

            Now that I have preached about getting some hobbies.  Many of you will go out and get some hobbies. You’ll join meetup.com to find gay groups that do that hobby, and you’ll think: Ok I’m going to go to this meeting (dance, film festival etc) and I’ll find my love.  Not going to happen. Why? Because you are still focused on finding a lover: not focused on making yourself happy.  Go for the hobby, for the fun of doing it. Do not go looking for your lover, he’s not there.

            That’s what is the biggest problem with finding dating: being too focused on the other and not yourself. All of the discussion comes down to that.  Focus on yourself. Stop thinking that if you have a boyfriend you’ll be happy.  That’s not going to happen.  You have to be happy with yourself, you have to be happy with yourself day to day in order to be happy in a relationship.  There is the big revelation that I learned from chatting with guys on line and why they are not dating. There are others, I may blog about them later too. But that is the biggest one. I call it the Knight-on-a-White-Horse Syndrome.  It’s when a guy is waiting for that knight to show up and make him complete, happy and fulfilled.  

            That’s a bad syndrome to have.

Marshall Online #4 Profile pics one particular part of his body

Collage O' Wang

            Have you experienced this: You see a profile of a man you think you might like, the main picture is ok but you need to see some more to see what he looks like better.  You open up his profile and find seven other pictures. All of them portraits of his penis.  Photos from above, below, flaccid, erect, extended out from him, lying on his belly.  He’s profile should be called “Collage O’ Wang.”

You’ve been online checking out the guys and noticed this strange collage of penis portraits.  Even if you want to turn away; you may find yourself feeling a slight arousal and so you look. It’s lightweight porn. We are men and we look.   And the Collage O’ Wang is so mesmerizing.  But I’m left unsettled, unsatisfied.  I’m left feeling dirty.

I don’t really understand this way of presenting yourself. Why does a guy reduce himself to his penis?  Do lesbians have a similar way to present themselves?

I take a step back, I begin to wonder what it means.

            Every web site is different. Many allow sexual pictures to be posted, and many men take advantage of this.  The web site I’m most familiar with is Bear411.  Bear411 requires that your main picture shows your face.  And that will be the one photo of the man’s face I’ll see.  The rest will be Penis Portraits.  I think on other sites if no face picture is required I’ll run into only penis portraits.

            Everyone is online for different reasons but there are about three reasons why: friendships (pen pal relationships and in person), dating, and sex.

            If this guy is interested in anything outside of sex, then he needs to replace most or all of his penis portraits.  

            Regardless of my initial arousal, I find these profiles to be creepy.  It’s exhibitionism; and we are tossed into the role of voyeur.  It is just a bit pervy.   

Why do men do this?

Clearly he wants to show the goods.  I’d believe that could be the case if all the guys were hot, and I mean smoking hot with a great body, and great member. But all too often that isn’t the case, its just guys.  Just a normal or morbidly obese men.  (I realize that someone being smoking hot is up to the voyeur in this case).  But I don’t get the feeling like these guys think they are so hot that they are showing off.

Maybe he thinks this is what he is supposed to do. He is putting out there what he thinks he needs to do to get dates. If a date is what he wants. Well whatever he wants, he thinks this is what he should be doing.   He could be just a little confused about this, or even mislead.  When I first joined the online craze, I took some nudes and considered posting them. Why? On the advice of a friend of mine. He felt it was a good idea.  I was never comfortable with the idea so I never posted. But when you are new to the internet, it is so foreign to us, that many might be taking bad advice.  If this is the case, I think you’ll see more pictures of him and not the abundance of the Penis Portrait.

I wish my first response would be a sarcastic “oh wow how provocative.” But it isn’t, that’s my second or third response.  But if he thinks he’s being provocative, he needs to surf the web some more and see how he is like so many others. Again, if he is going for provocative, you’ll be able to tell by his other photos, and what he is stating in his profile.  His profile is the key to figuring out if he is creating a provocative persona or not.  But honestly, I don’t think any of these guys are going for provocative.

            I think this is a sexual masquerade. I’m sexually free, I’m a stud—look at me!  But to me, he looks like a mannequin.   Like a cold statue laying in a storage room.   But I think these guys want us to believe they are sexual broncos. 

            He’s clearly not creative.  He’s just took a web cam and focused it on his wang and took a picture.  Then did it from a different angle.  These pictures are not even porn B rated porn. At least with porn you have to set up the shoot, you have to do some acting. But when it is just a penis portrait there is nothing creative or even thought out about it.  I am a firm believer that creativity is needed to function well in a sexual environment.  The German’s say “Dumb Fcks Best.”  The Germans say a lot of things about sex: you’ll learn not to listen.  A guy doesn’t need creativity in the sense that he is a writer, or he is an artist. But in the sexual mêlée he needs some creative thinking; he needs to figure out how to make things work, how to move, how to listen etc.  If he had any sexual creativity then we’d have different pictures.

            I’ve discussed this before, but as a reminder: your pictures should tell a story about you.  In this case, the story is his penis.  And only his penis.  This is a guy that is Self-cock-centric.  He is interested in his wang and only his wang.

If you go out with him, it will be a sex date. Don’t expect him to do anything but sex. And the sex will be totally one sided. You will not be kissed, you will not receive any reciprocation of any kind.  What you can expect is that he will lay on his back and do very little outside of looking down at his wang and what you are doing to it. Why? Cause he is self-cock-centric.  Do not expect any kind of sounds to let you know he is enjoying it or not, that he will keep to himself, like he has kept the rest of his life to himself. 

This is a guy that isn’t good at expressing himself.

            He’s interest in sex is as focused as his camera. This means: he wants one thing. One thing and one thing only.  There is something that he likes and that’s all he really likes.  It could be anal sex; it could be masturbation while he rubs your belly; it could be anything. There is no rule, but since he can’t express himself well, you’ll have to figure it out by trail and error.   If you are lucky, he’ll eventually get upset that you are not getting it right, and he’ll say: “I just like to _______.”  But he won’t say this rudely, or mean; he’ll say it kind of sad and pouty.  Cause, see, you were supposed to know that.

            If you are looking for a romance, I think this is a guy you’ll want to pass by.  But if you are looking for someone who is separated from the sexual experience, this could be your man.  If you want a guy who lays back and lets you do whatever you want to him as long as he doesn’t have to move too much, then this could be your guy. If you are into servicing someone, this could be your guy.  This could be the guy for you if you want to get used in a non-S&M scene.

But again the sex is going to be reduced to his penis and his penis only.  If he is going to reduce himself to his penis, he’s going to reduce you to his penis, and the sexual experience to his penis.  You are not there except for what you can do for his penis.

While I think there are possibilities that men are just misguided and think they have to have these penis portraits, I think that these men with an abundance of penis portraits are doing it because they are self-cock-centric.  They want sex and they want it focused on that part of their body.  I don’t suggest going for this guy for romance or dating, or even conversation. He is focused on sex.  He could be fun if you are interested in the same thing he is.  But otherwise he may frustrate you.

Online Etiquette Rule # 7 and 8: One-Word Replies

One-Word Replies

Some Rules

I don’t know of anything that gets under more skin than one-word replies.  I’ve heard more people make jokes about the idiots online with their one-word messages, and how they are annoying than mention emoticon-only messages.  I think it is because emoticon-only messages are like reading a picture book; and we just kind of find it lightly amusing.  But chat is most like talking to some one; and talking to someone who just says one word at a time is annoying.  

What is amazing is how many of us complain about the one-word reply while replying to the guy who just used a one-word reply. 

Let’s have the rules regarding one-word messages.

Online Etiquette Rule 7: One-word replies are to be avoided.  Nothing says Neanderthal faster than one-word replies.  It is a grunt in online conversation. Just like in face to face interactions when you say “yeah” in a grunting way.  You don’t want to give the impression that you are a Neanderthal and mindless.  So try to answer in a more conversational style. Compare:

Guy 1: hey How’s your day been.

Guy 2: good.

To

Guy 1: hey How’s your day been.

Guy 2: It was good, I had a great work out, that always makes me feel better.

In example two the second Guy tells us something that made the day good. This opens the door for more conversation and chat.  In the first example, the Guy grunts his good.  Hell, SNL’s Frankenstein would have said more than that: Day Good, Fire Bad.  Do you want to be thought of as not having the chatting ability of SNL’s Frankenstein? No, so don’s use the one-word reply. 

Online Etiquette Rule 8:  You may delete one-word replies without replying.  I realize that nothing is more annoying that putting forth a lot of energy to chat with a guy and he grunts a one-word reply.  But don’t be bothered by it or get upset; don’t message him asking him why. Just delete it if you wish.

There are some reasons that are logical as to why he grunts at you, and you may want to think about them before you follow Rule 8.

Reason 1:  Overwhelmed.  He just got on line and is going through his messages.  Depending on what has been going on with him on line, he could have a lot of messages.  When a guy logs in and sees 50 messages, he may want to get through them all so he can focus on live chat.  So he is just giving you one word to get through it. You’ll notice a change in later messages.

Reason 2:  He’s not too smart.  While he would in person give you more than one word, some dumb guys have difficulty typing and thinking at the same time.   Some guys are not good at typing and will never be, so one word is a lot for them.  If you keep chatting with him, you’ll figure out if he’s not smart or not typing-smart in time. It won’t take long.
But I really should not say that he's not smart, I should say: he's not book smart.  I think men who chat really well tend to be educated. This does not mean that guys who do not chat well are dumb, it means they do not have the same experience.  You may find once you meet him in person, that he can carry on a conversation well, and that his intelligence in other ways comes out.  So if you think he may not be as educated as you don't be quick to pass him by. 

Reason 3: He’s not interested in chatting with you.  You’ve messaged him, you’ve asked questions and done the right things, but he is not involved in the chat.  He’s just being polite and doesn’t know how to close the chat without being rule. How would it be if he messaged you: "oh my day was good, but I don't wnat to continue chatting with you." We'd call him rude.  So by replying he isn't rude, but he isn't giving you much of his time. It is a sign that he isn't interested. 

I think this is the most likely of all three reasons.  If you find you are getting several one word replies, make this assumption and move on. Why waste time with someone that isn’t showing interest in you. Say good night and move on. Or delete the message, he won’t care. He’s not interested in you.

One-word messages could very well be for some normal reasons, but at the end of the day it is because he has a lack of interest in you.  It isn’t personal, just move on. If you play the internet game (blog later) you’ll have traffic coming to your profile and find someone who is, and who you like.

Online Etiquette Rule #6, Getting the Chat Going

Getting the Chat Going.

            You’ve sent a message to a man you want to get to know; you’ve given him a wink or signed a guest book; sent a simple “you are handsome” message and he has replied with a “thank you.”  At this point you’ve established eye contact and have moved across the bar, you are now standing next to him. Now what? Now you got to get that chat going. Here are some suggestions to do and things to avoid.

            At the outset, something needs to be clarified. Some people are not good at chat, and they are hard to get to know.  You’ll get one word replies or short replies that just answer your question.  And chatting can be a struggle.  It is hard to tell if the reason he is being so short is because he doesn’t know who to chat or because he isn’t interested in you.  This article is about you being as good at chat as you can and getting the conversation going.  If you try these things and you are getting no reciprocation, then assume he isn’t interested in you, and pull the chat to a close.  (I’ll do blogs on closing chat, and how to figure out if he is into you later.) This is about how you get it going.

            Suggestion 1: Ask questions.  Online or in person, asking questions is a good way to get the conversation going.  Often after a few questions you are going back and forth and getting to know each other.

            Danger Will Robinson with Suggestion 1:  Asking too many questions.  If you find you are asking one question after another, and he is replying and answer them, and just answering them, you are in danger of interviewing him.  He may not be interested in you or he could be a social skill dork, either way he’ll blame you. And this is not your fault. You are doing the right things by asking questions, but he isn’t joining the conversation.  That’s him, not you.  So if you find you’ve asked a few questions back to back, and he has replied with short answers or just answering the question, then let the chat go and move on.  I suggest after about three questions you’ve done more than enough to show your interest. So if he hasn’t joined in the converstation, he won’t. Not your fault.

            Suggestion 2: Superficial questions are ok for these initial chats.   There is nothing wrong with asking about the weather or how his day was.  What else are you going to talk about at this point? You don’t know each other so it’s ok. But make sure you use this as a starting point for something else.  You can use the weather to find out if he likes to do outdoor things.  If he tells you something about his day, you can talk to him about that. 

            Suggestion 3: Reply with more than one word.  Look at this:

            Contactor: Your handsome.

            Guy: Thank you

            Contactor: how are you doing?

            Guy: Doing good, how are you?

            Contactor: Fine.

           

            Fine! That’s it, just Fine.  At least Guy responded with a question and then we get Fine. If you want to keep the conversation going, you have to keep it going. A one word reply will end that conversation quickly.  Look he’s responded by asking you a superficial question, and that’s ok. You have to reply with a question of your own, or give him some more information about you that could lead to a question from him. (One word replies reveal a few flags, blog later.)

            Suggestion 4:  Read his profile.  If you read his profile you will find out some things about him that are interesting to you. From there you can chat about that. Common interests are always good ways to chat.  Also, things he does that are interesting that you do not do but are curious.  I met a guy once because he quilts, and I don’t. But I’d like to.  From there we chatted and found some other things in common.  Make sure you have a real interest though.  Some guys like car racing. I don’t, I find it boring. If he puts on is profile he’s a big race fan, I can’t act like I’m interested just to get his attention. It misleads him into thinking I’m interested.  I also wonder if I can really ask good questions.  So if he has something on his profile that you are not into so much, then don’t try to fake it.  You can find something else.  If not, he may not be a good match for you.

            Hurdle with Suggestion 2: He has nothing on his profile, or just his stats.  This hurdle is like a wall.  He isn’t telling you anything about himself.  You got choices, follow Suggestion 3, or end the chat.  If he isn’t asking you anything or commenting on your profile, he’s too closed for you to reach. So move on and leave his hurdle alone. I think it is too much work.  There could be some good reasons why he doesn’t have anything there like he doesn’t want attention from new people. He could be on that site to maintain what he has already.  So don’t worry, just move on.

            Suggestion 3: Look at his pictures.  This is an easy one cause it is his pictures that really get our attention.  So scan them to see if you can ask anything about them.  Many guys like to show off where they have been, and so they may like talking about their trips.  You could see some of his hobbies or interests there too. 

            These suggestions are ways that you can get a chat going. But they all come down to this: ask questions.  It all comes down to you being involved in the conversation and asking questions about the guy you are chatting up.  Don’t be afraid.

           

Online Etiquette Rule 5, Repeated Back to Back Compliments

Avoid Overly Complimentary Repeated Back to Back Replies

           

            This is how some initial contact messages go.  The person who initiated the chat will be “Contactor,” and the one he contacted will be “Guy”.

            Contactor: You’re Hot! (with a Wow emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: what a great body! (with gym emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: I love your face, so handsome! (smiley emoticon)

            Guy: Thanks

            Contactor: Nice beard! (some emoticon with the eyebrows lifting.)

            Guy deletes this message, and doesn’t reply.

            Yes he deleted the message and didn’t reply. That’s what I do, and that is what I suggest you do in this situation. 

Now many will believe: oh he is just being nice and trying to be complimentary and you shouldn’t be rude to someone who is being nice.  But the Contactor wasn’t being nice, he was being obsessive.  Many readers may not believe that this happens, but it does and this was a good rendering of how I’ve been contacted initially, many times.  Multiple complimentary messages should never happen; they reveal many warnings about you that indicate you are not dateable.

            Starting off with a compliment is fine. I want this clearly understood. You’ve never chatted with him, so you may start off with a compliment—once!  Not twice or more. It is just once. If he replies with a “thanks” you’ve got his attention. That’s good.  Now move on. 

            Starting off with a compliment is NOT what I am discussing in this entry.  This is about multiple complimentary messages sent back to back.

            Flag 1: You are an idiot. Yes it sounds harsh I know, but that is the impression you are giving him. It may not be true at all, but that is what your actions show; that’s what he will think of you.  Basically you’ve just repeated yourself three times; you’ve just said the same thing again; you just keep talking about the same thing.  A semi-coherent person knows when he is repeating himself. If the impression you want to give is that you are mindless, repeat away; if not, stop doing this and show us your intelligent side.

            Flag 2: you are clearly only interested in his body.  I can’t think of any one reason more than this that makes you appear non-datable.  I don’t think many people like to be reduced to their looks.  It is great you find him easy on the eyes, but find him interesting in other ways too.  Or do you plan on talking about how handsome he is for the rest of your contact?  Do you image that you would go out to a movie and dinner, and instead of talking about his thoughts on the movie you would like to talk about how handsome he is?  You may be bedable, but not datable.

            Flag 3: You receive the grade of “needs improvement on social interactions”.  Compare to a face to face interaction: someone walks up to you and repeatedly tells that you are handsome: you’re handsome, your are hot, you are sooooooo cute, you have a great beard. How long before you walk away? Would that not make you feel uncomfortable?  The same is true for the internet.  If you send multiple complimentary messages back to back, you are doing just that, you are being odd, showing you are a less than socially savvy man.  I find this kind of behavior kind of rude.

            A person lacking in social skills will keep going with compliments in hopes to get the attention of the other.  The person without social skills thinks that if you haven’t responded with, thank you I am totally into to you, then it must mean he’s not got your attention.    It must mean must mean he’s not said the right compliment to get your attention. So what does the man without social skills do? He keeps complimenting.  It is one thing to get attention; it is another to keep attention. In this case, you’ve gotten my attention with the one compliment, but lost it with the second.  If you feel like you’ve done this in the past, or do it currently, your problem is not getting someone’s attention: it is keeping it. So change your tactics! You’ve got the nerve to approach; you’ve overcome the biggest wall. Now just learn how to keep the attention. (blog soon to follow). 

            Flag 4: Could mean you want a compliment to be given to you.  Hard to believe that someone would compliment hoping to get one, but it happens. And I think that this becomes clearer when the compliments keep coming. He’s just waiting for one. Well guess what, you ain’t getting one. Why? Cause you’ve creeped me out. If you are needing positive reinforcement and compliments I suggests getting friends who are positive people in your life, who encouage you, and are honest.  Do not be disingenuous and compliment some one in hopes he will find you attractive.

            Flag 5: you want me to take over and lead the conversation.  You really are interested in this guy for some reason, and you really want to talk, but you lack the social skills needed to carry on the conversation. So you just keep saying the same thing over and over again, hoping that the guy will understand you need help and take the lead in the converstation.  Not going to happen.  Nope. When you approach someone you take the lead.  Eventually he will reciprocate if he is interested in you.  But this is a discussion for another day (how to know he is into you.)  But this situation is the one that reminds me of  the middle school girl sitting and staring at the football player across the table. She is just so overwhelmed she can’t do anything but sigh, and just sits there hoping he will speak to her.  Catch yourself from doing this. 

            Flag 6: Do not do this in the middle of a converstation.  Up till now, I’ve discussed this multiple complimentary repeated messages as if it was the beginning of a converstation. But as hard as it is to believe it happens during one as well.  Avoid this temptation. It’s ok to toss in a compliment from time to time. Nothing wrong with it. Especially if the situation calls for it: he changes his profile picture, you find his facebok and see more pictures etc.  These are all situations that giving a guy a compliment is ok. But again, and I can’t say this enough, COMPLIMENT ONLY ONCE!

            It has happened a few times to me, and nothing stops a converstation faster.  It happened today. I’ve just started chatting with this guy, and I’ve enjoyed his chat, and I’ve appreciated some of the pointers his given me on job hunting. Then suddenly he sees my dog’s blog and it changes. He likes the picture of the dog and me, he says my dog’s daddy is really handsome, he says that I should get more of the two of us cause I’m so handsome.  Well now I’m bored. And I think he is also getting bored with me and doesn’t know how to pull the converstation to a close.  Look, my dog’s blog is a great blog, it is the story of our journey across the country on a bicycle. There are lots, and lots of fodder for chat inside that blog, just look.  I’d rather talk about suicide prevention, or how important animals are in our lives, or the horrors of puppy mills (all in her blog) than how I’m handsome.  These topics that are close to me, and one’s I’ve shared with the world.  Do you realize how crushing it is for someone to visit my dog’s blog and all they get from it is that my dog has a hot companion.  Gawd are you that superficial?

Aside suggestion: when he says thank you to a compliment and suggest you move on, do not tell him you are being honest.  Let’s use Contactor and Guy again.

Contactor:  You’re hot!

Guy: thanks

Contactor: you’ve got a great body!

Guy: thanks

Contactor: beautiful beard, so handosme

Guy: yeah I got it, thanks. Let’s move on now.

Contactor: I’m just being honest.

Guy: Oh I got it thanks.

Contactor: I’m just paying you a compliment.

Delete.

No you’re not, you are not just paying him  a compliment, you are given him seven.  And Guy here is clearly frustrated with the Contactor, but the Contactor doesn’t get it. He doesn’t see he is frustrating Guy, and he doesn’t pick up on that Guy is willing to chat with him: but he has to stop dwelling on his looks.  Now change the subject and lets chat.  And what’s the response: I’m just being honest.  Ok so now that I know you are not lying, I should just keep talking about how handsome I am? I never thought he wasn’t being honest before so why is telling me is just being honest?  Why? Cause he has nothing else on his mind but how good looking I am.    He is saying; Look I’m just being honest that you are hot.  In this situation the Contactor never leaves the compliment.

If you are told that you’ve complimented enough and you should move on to new subjects. MOVE ON! When you don’t move on, and keep on about being honest or whatever, you are doing one of the worst things to show you are not datable: You are not listening.  Nothing says updatable than someone who doesn’t listen.   

Sending multiple complimentary messages back to back does very little to get someone to be interested in you. You show you can’t carry on a conversation, that you are needing improvement on social skills. You make someone uncomfortable.  You’ve let your nerves get in the way of really showing us who you are.   If you find yourself doing this kind of messaging, stop, and think before you send the second compliment.  Asking how his day was is a better message than a second you are handsome.

           

Come Out All Ye Gays Who Are Already Out

Today is National Coming Out day, and I’m not going to just encourage those in the closet to come out, but to encourage those of us already out to come completely out.  A friend of mine posted a note on Facebook where he discussed how he and his family and friends had adopted a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell way of living.  He tells us how he posts things on his Facebook using filters so that some of the things he post will not be seen by all.  He tells us how he didn’t want to bring up gay issues with people for fear of upsetting others. 

            I don’t think he is alone in this DADT lifestyle, and neither does he.  I think there are many ways that we section out our lives so that don’t make others uncomfortable.  But really I don’t think we are saving others from uncomfort: we are saving ourselves from the uncomfort. Today I’d like to encourage all of us already out and living gay to ask ourselves: are we totally out? Or are we living with a self-imposed DADT lifestyle? We should figure out how we are doing this and stop doing it. 

            One way that I know that I have sectioned my life is by my blog.  My gay homo blog is new and it is one that I’m proud of. I love my topics and think they are really fun.  But I am also involved in another Blog: Antigone Goes West: A Basset Blog.  This is my dog’s blog, and one that I am really proud to be apart of.   Antigone wrote about our bicycle tour across the country and how she supports basset hound rescue and suicide prevention.  But these two blogs are not linked together.  Antigone hasn’t posted my blog on her blog, and I’ve not done the same. Why? I felt that the audiences were two different people.   This may be true, but it isn’t completely honest.  

            This is me partitioning my life.  Keeping my gay life out of my other life.   I feared that she would lose readers.  I am wrong to make judgments about them this way. I should give them a chance.  On her blog, I think she has mention that I’m gay, and we did do the AIDS Walk. So there are some hints, but hints aren’t being out. I think if I were totally out, I wouldn’t have given this much of a thought: I would have linked the two and not worried about it. When she blogged about the AIDS Walk, she would have mention we were doing it because I am gay, and that I want to be apart of my gay community, helping, and raising awareness.  She did say that we were doing the walk because I like doing these walks and want to do more locally, but nothing personal about my and being gay.  It was almost as if on her blog I removed the personal reasons why we did it.  This is not living out.

            Coming out of the closet means living out of the closet.  

            I think we can find other ways that we are not completely out of the closet.

            Social networking sites like Facebook are a way that we section off our lives.  My friend was using a filter to post gay things to gay people.   On my profile I have that I’m interested in men for relationships.  But also for friendship, networking, etc. So again, I’m not telling others I’m gay.  I think we can and should be open on these sites and post for everyone.  And allow questions and even disagreements.  Allow our friends and families to get to know us completely.  This will not be easy and there may be times that we have some fall out. But with each struggle we handle with dignity and respect, we will rise and change minds and hearts. And in time, we all become used to each other.

            I think gayborhoods can also be ways that we are staying in the closet.  I love a gayborhood, and I think each city could use one. If only so I don’t have to bar hop all over town.  So I don’t think we should do away with them, but I think that these help us live a fantasy life.  A life where we are surrounded by gay people, and visit the straight world for work—if we must. We get in the gayborhood and ignore the outside world.  All of our neighbors are gay or gay friendly, and we live totally open—but right there. Outside of the area we become nervous, scared, and insecure.  It reminds me of the little lady that moves from Mexico to New York City. She lives in a Spanish speaking area and she freely goes about her life. She does everything she needs to do in that area, speaking Spanish at all times.  Never does she go to other areas, where she would have to speak English (a language she doesn’t speak well).  What is the result? We never met her, and she never meets us, and we never understand how much alike we are.

            Self-imposed DADT prevents us from understanding how much alike we are.

            I gay square dance.  And I love it.  But this is also a way that we partition our lives.  I do not want to do away with gay square dancing any more than gayborhoods.  We differ from heterosexual square dancing in many ways: you can dance male or female regardless of your sex, gender or chromosomes.  While I think things like gay square dancing is important for us to have as it gives us a healthy way to meet each other; but I believe that we can also use it as a way to hide.  Many areas have square dance associations.  When a club has a dance, other clubs will also come and dance with them.  We can join in, and be gay square dancers with them. Some gay clubs do this.  But not all. And in the clubs that do go out to straight square dances, the members who actually go are just a few.  Let’s make this the norm; let’s stop being afraid. 

            Let’s find other ways we can join in with straight people in fun activities.  This year I wanted to play Kickball. But there isn’t a gay kickball league here. I told a chat buddy, and the next thing I know: he started a gay kickball team in a straight league. What other sports could we do this too? 

            Out political lives are also at times not open. I recently went to a forum on DADT. I’m so glad I did: I learned more about what DADT is and how it is being misused.  It was hosted at a gay center. At one point, one of the speakers said, I know I’m preaching to the choir. And that is it exactly.  I think we should have these things, forums on gay issues, in gay places, so that we are informed: but we must also do it in non gay places.  We must hold these events at other community centers.

How many gays support gay marriage but have not agreed to do my bachelorette protest, or to pass on the information? Why because it isn’t in gay areas, it's in straight areas, and they are nervous.  How many people were against Prop 8 but didn’t drive out of San Fran to help convince others Prop 8 is wrong.  We can’t wait and let the courts help us get our rights, we have to go out and get them.

            Let us use this National Coming Out Day to dedicate ourselves to coming out completely.  To living our lives out of the closet.  Let us drop our self imposed DADT lifestyles and be open at all times. 

A Note: Regarding the Gay Bachelorette Party Why Bachelorette, and Why Straight Bars

A Note: Regarding the Gay Bachelorette Party

Why Bachelorette, and Why Straight Bars

     Since I first came up with this idea for a protest, I’ve had a few questions that come again and again.  Many want to know why I insist on calling this a Bachelorette Party, and why I insist that we must go to straight bars.  I think a note that explains this more will clear this up, and hopefully encourage more to join in on this fun protest.

            We’ve seen them many times out and about on a Saturday night.  A group of women celebrating a bachelorette party.  Not the TRADITIONAL Bridal shower any more. Remember back a few decades ago (within my life time) the groom and his friends would go out for a night of drinking—the last hurrah! For the women it was a Bridal Shower. But today, TRADITION ways of looking at these roles have changed. The Bridal Shower, that traditional lovely party, where gifts are given and the ladies sit around sipping punch, and eating mints, where the traditional way to be a bride to be—pure, virtuous, sweet—is no longer accepted as the main focus.  Women now go out in imitation of the men for a last hurrah, and have the Bachelorette Bar Crawl.

            They are easily seen. It is always a group of women with one dressed with a veil, or a tiara. They are wearing matching shirts with “Jenny’s play night” on the back.   They are loud, and as the night get’s going, they get louder. They are demanding—walking into a bar to take over and draw as much attention to themselves as possible. They play drinking games, and scandalous games (games that require getting the phone number from a man, or getting a kiss from a stranger.)  Sometimes one will step out into the road to block traffic so the bride can and her court may walk across easily.  And don’t forget about the condoms all over her, or the rubber penis hanging on her neck.

Eventually—if they didn’t start out in one—they make their way to a gay bar.  Sometimes it is because that is where the male strippers are, they say. Sometimes it is for a drag show.  Most of the time it is just a gay bar. One they’ve heard about; one they’ve talked about at the water cooler at work; but not one that they have gone to before.  They go there, because they know that if they flirt with the men, they need not worry about anyone getting the wrong idea. They can maintain their virtue (if it were not lost with the penis straw she is sipping her drinks through).  

They go to the gay bar thoughtlessly.  Never once wondering if anyone there might be offended by their in your face celebration of their right to marriage. Never once wondering if maybe it is cold, and heartless to celebrate your right to marriage surrounded by a group of people who are not allowed the right to marriage, a group of people that are openly told: you do not deserve this right; it is not your right at all.  Isn’t this what Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act are saying?

            When I began to see how cold it was that these brides and friends were in gay bars, I wondered why gay bars allowed them in.  In fact, I believe they should be stopped at the door, and not allowed in with the statement: when DoMA is gone, when we have the same rights as you then you are welcome.  But most do not, and gays actually play along with their silly games.  This is where the idea for the Gay Bachelorette Party Protest started.

            These parties make great parodies.  It will be easy and fun to dress up like the women.  It will also bring in more attention than they do. After all, our bride is male with a veil and a sash that says: Bride Not To Be!  For a fun protest, by imitating these parties we can draw a lot of attention. Attention is what we want!  And all we have to do is go on a bar crawl.

            Then I formed the details of the party. The details are: parties must be the same sex; there should be no debate with people at the bars; and it must be in straight bars.

            Your party should be composed of one sex only. Visually this brings the point home of Legalize Same-sex Marriage.  Since this isn’t a debate, we need to give as many visual clues as possible.

            This isn’t a protest where you debate with others.  This isn’t a yelling at others back and forth like a protest from that wacky church of un-American un-Christian idiots.  This is a twist on the Sit-in Protest.  Those famous protest where students went to an area and just sat down until they were picked up and dragged out. In these silent protest no confrontation from individuals in the group to others was made. Some sat in silence, others had one person who spoke, while everyone else sang or chanted.  The Bachelorette Party Protest is the same, we come into a place but instead of sitting, we drink.  We do our own party, we are seen and then we leave.  You don’t have to talk to anyone about why same-sex marriage should be legal—it should be, it is the American way to ensure rights—life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness—to the people of the United States of America.

            We must do this bar crawl in straight bars.  I know many of you are nervous about this. Many are nervous because we fear that others will become upset with us.  But we must do it in straight bars—they are the minds we must change. We need them agreeing with us.  We could go to gay bars but what good does it do us to convince people who already agree with us?

            But I think there is another reason why it has to be in non-gay locals.  On the Facebook event page one woman said this:

            Im a little offended here, what do you mean by "They do"?... I am a hedrosexual!!! & I am all FOR Gay Marriage... I think that this was not very well thought out because Gay Marriage has nothing to do with the general hedrosexuals... the target needs to be the state representatives, and Senates, and I doubt that these people are going to be in bars that arent first class...

(This is copied and pasted as she typed it, no corrections, I wonder if this is a sign of how upset she is.)

Let’s look at this closely. First, I notice she is “offended,” because of “they do”. She is offended that we are going to make fun of how the women who are getting marriage are acting.  Good, I say. Good, you should be offended but be offended that rights are being denied, not because people are going to make fun.  But she wants us all to know that she is “FOR Gay Marriage.” Indeed she yells the “FOR”.  She is on our side and we should listen to the advice that follows. We should not target “general hedrosexuals” we should call representatives.  We should not voice our desire for our rights to the populace, not don’t talk to them.  This has “nothing to do with them,” she says: it isn’t our problem!  But it was this populace that voted for Prop 8, it is this group who she says gay marriage has nothing to do with that are speaking out against it, voting against it and pressuring their representatives not do approve of gay marriage.

            Basically, she wants us to protest silently! She wants us to protest outside of her area, where she is going because she doesn’t want to remember that we are being denied this right.  Oh she is for it alright—intellectually, or socially—but she is not for it enough to assist or encourage or see a protest on a Saturday night when she is having fun.  Yes she is offended, but not because someone is being treated as a second class citizen, but because we are being to loud! 

            Protest should offend, and should draw attention.  They should upset people and call others to action.  But they don’t have to do it with yelling, or aggression.  This protest will do all of that, while we go out on a Saturday night.

            We can do all that while having a good time. Just our walking into a straight bar with one sign saying—Free Gay Marriage—will do a lot.  And by parodying the bridal party beer crawl, we do it with humor! Humor so often will bridge gaps between people and allow the door to open at a later time for discussion.   And there will be plenty of discussion that night after we leave the bar, and go to the next.  The heterosexuals will talk about it then, and the next day with other friends.  And through that, they will discuss the issue with each other, and hopefully come to realize this needs to be passed.

This is the link to the Event page on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=152480984775605

Online Etiquette Rules 3 & 4 Two Rules Regarding Good-byes

Two Rules Regarding Good-byes Online

Rule 3:  If you have been chatting with someone and have a conversation developing, say good night before you leave.

            We should treat online chatting the same as we do other interactions.  You wouldn’t just stop a letter midway, and put it in an envelope and mail it? You would just hang up the phone when you are having a conversation would you?  What would you think of a friend who walked away just after you asked him a question? 

            What we would easily recognize as strange behavior, or rude,  in person somehow hasn’t made it to the internet.  How often have you stayed up late chatting with a guy, enjoying the conversation, when suddenly he stops replying. You wait; you feel guilty for being impatient, so you wait more. Then you look to see if he is still online only to find he’s signed off.  No good bye. Nothing, just gone.

            I think this should be avoided.  If you are chatting with someone, and you leave: say good bye. It’s polite. And it reflects well on you.  But if you are thinking that you don’t want to say good bye as to not end the conversation, because you realize that this chat can pick up in a day or so right where it left off, you may not want to say good bye in that window. I suggest, opening a new window to say good night.  This will close the conversation for the night, be polite to your friend, and keep the conversation window active.

            Just keep politeness always in mind.

Rule 4:  If you are chatting and in a conversation, and he doesn’t say good night let this go without complaint.

            We should treat online life the same as we treat other interactions.  While it is rude for your chat buddy to sign off without a good bye, do not take it personally.   Do not get upset, just move on.  Don’t bring it up the next time you are chatting with him. It will come off as whiny and nick picky. You don’t want that any more than you want him to be rude. 

            You can, however, keep this in mind and realize that he could be a rude person.  You can and should use it to determine if you are compatible. Or if he has a real interest in you for anything other than a causal chat.  This is really a sign of his interest in you other than chatting.  So while you shouldn’t be upset with him for being rude, you should accept that your interest and his interest may not be the same.

            Not being upset in this situation does not include a clear angry ending of the chat.  Signing off in the middle of a heated discussion is the same as hanging up the phone.  You may be upset in the kind of situation.

            Realize that not everyone will act the way they should in all situations.  So keep yourself free of unnecessary stress in this situation by understanding that the rules of politeness haven’t been established.  Just let this pass by without complaint from you the next time you see him.  But remember, letting this pass by doesn’t mean forgetting bad behavior.  You can remember and allow it to influence your assessment of him, his personality, or your compatibility.

           

Marshall Online #3 Profile References an Old Relationship

Profile References an Old Relationship

            After finding a profile of a man you find attractive, you must read his profile.  This is important because here you can find some common interest.  This will help you maintain a relationship of some kind after you get used to his pretty face.   Eventually, you’ll run across a profile that references a past relationship.  His comments could be short, long, negative or positive.  What he states is not relevant. What is relevant is that he stated it. When you run across a profile like this proceed with caution.

            At the outset, I want to clarify what I mean when I say he references a past relationship. This is not saying he is single or happily single; that is not a reference to a relationship. That is just a statement of his relationship status, and he is making a statement about himself isolated.  When he states “just out of a relationship,” or “newly single,” this is a reference to a past relationship; and he is looking at himself within the context of an unseen “other,” who was in his life. 

A reference to a past relationship in all cases is unneeded information. And is not appropriate in initial contact with someone.  His profile is his formal greeting to you and others who stop by to say hello.  A comparison to face to face interaction will make this clear. You are in a bar with some friends. One of your friends has invited a man who works with him and he is introduced.  Typically we’d say: hello it’s nice to meet you.  What if he replied with: “Its nice to meet you. I’m newly single.” Or “Nice meeting you too, i’m here because I just ended a relationship.”  We’d think this was odd. But mostly we would wonder if we would spend the rest of the evening talking about that relationship.

            For all references to the past relationship, I ask: why is he doing this?  Who is this comment for? Is it for readers of the profile or for the ex-boyfriend?  In some cases it is to readers of the profile, and these have their own special meanings.  In all cases, it is a comment to the ex-boyfriend.

Subtle Reference: Whenever I see information that isn’t needed, I question it.  Sometimes the reference is slight and seemingly unimportant, and will go unnoticed.  These subtle references appear like “newly single,” or “just out of a relationship.”  These appear just as normal stats and normal information. However, what is required for your relationship status is simply single or partnered. Nothing more. By adding “newly” he qualifies “single;” it points to a past relationship.  Its not just: I’m single; it is: I was in a relationship, now I’m not.

When you come across this kind of reference proceed with caution.  You will be chatting and getting to know someone who still identifies himself in the context of another person. And he doesn’t realize this.  In the future you could possibly become his confidant, and counselor. You are neither. You are someone new in his life.  He should take about the past with his closest friends and seek a trained counselor for professional help if he needs it.  With you, he should set this all aside and have fun and relax.  And get to know you better, and reveal things in time.

            So why the added information?

            I think it is complex and no one size fits all answer will work. But generally speaking, any reference to a past relationship reveals he is still there in that relationship.  Emotionally, or mentally. I’m not suggesting that he should ignore that he was in a relationship.  But by referencing the past, he isn’t moving on.  After a relationship, I believe we need to see ourselves as independent of that person. So when I create or update my profile, I do that as me and me alone. My ex has no place in it any more. As he has no place in my life anymore.  So the general answer is he is still involved in that relationship emotionally or mentally in someway or another.

It could be that it occupies his mind a great deal.   I think for a time after a relationship is over it does indeed occupy our minds.  But we try to put it in place and control it, so that we can create our independent self again.

            Another general reason he does this is to speak to the ex. He isn’t talking to us with this reference, he is talking to his ex and makes his comment to get a response for the ex. 

Positive Reference: If what he says seems positive (just out of a relationship, he’s a great guy and I love him dearly but it didn’t work out, I wish him the best,) don’t be caught up in it.  This is directed at ex and to new readers for different reasons.

He says this so the ex can know how he feels.  This suggest that he is still holding on to the feelings he has for the man and not looking at the status of the relationship.  The relationship is over, your feelings are not important. They don’t change the status of the relationship.  Feelings of love remain after a relationship is over and focusing on them, to me, is not accepting the end has come.  He isn’t looking at the break up or the reasons for the break up: he is only looking at the love he has. It’s denial or avoidance.  To the ex he is saying: I still love you. As if this could change the break up. He wants him to know he is still here; he still loves him; he is saying: if you change your mind, we can get back together, my love is still strong.

 Relationships end and we still feel emotions for our former boyfriend.  That’s normal; that’s ok and healthy.  But we keep these feelings to ourselves and only share them with our closest friends—we do not share it with the world.  This helps us to reestablish ourselves as independent people, to accept the end of the breakup and deal with the emotions of the break up in focused and healthy ways. 

These positive comments are not only directed at the ex boyfriend but they are directed at us too.  Whereas to the ex it suggest the possibility of reuniting, to us it suggest a higher level of maturity.  We should read this and think: oh that’s so wonderful how he is not bitter or mad.   He is posing.  He is putting up a front and hiding.  If he is hiding it from us or himself is never clear by just looking at the profile. But it matters little which it is, the common denominator is that he is hiding and posing. He is trying to make someone see him as valiant and mature.  Showing us that he is rising above feelings of bitterness and anger, to feelings of acceptance and understanding.  Be cautious: bitterness and anger always make an appearance.

When you see these positive references you should proceed with caution.  You could become involved with someone who is still acknowledging his feelings for someone else, which means you are second. And at anytime, if the old boyfriend comes back, you are gone.  Also, he could be using you as a substitute for the ex.  This happens often in a physical way.  Two people break up and they run out and have a few one night stands.  They are filling the empty part of the bed with someone; they are not becoming sexual knights they are fighting loneliness.  The same is true on line and with emotional relationships.  But mostly you go forward cautiously because he has not identified himself outside of the relationship. And that means, he won’t identify you as a possible partner.

            Negative Reference:  These references come in direct and veiled statements. 

He could post something like, “just got my heart broken so I’m taking my time.”   This is a direct and clearly pointed at the ex not at you. He is letting his ex know how hurt he is.  Also, he is bringing others into his pain. He wants people to know what that man did to him.  Friends of the ex who come across the profile will read it; he hopes they will see what he sees and know his ex for the jerk he is.   In these cases the anger is clouding his thinking. It’s ok to feel angry at the end of relationships and to express it. But when it is express as a part of an introduction it suggests the person isn’t controlling his anger.  If this were a face to face initial contact and he said: Oh nice to meet you, I recently had my heart trampled on,” you’d walk away.

The veiled negative reference is for me a troublesome one.  You’ll find it in things like “I thought he was the one but he turned out not to be.” This is at times followed by the “oh well you live and learn,” statement.   These veiled negative references are complex and are so troublesome that I just move on from his profile and do not initiate any contact.

 “I thought he was the one but he turned out not to be, it was just not meant to be,” this statement doesn’t seem negative.   It seems like he is being understanding, that the relationship just wasn’t meant to be.  The universe just said this isn’t a good relationship, it should end.  It appears that he isn’t blaming anyone for the end.  But that’s not the case.  It is the final part of the statement that says he is being understanding.  But the final part of the statement is an ad on.  It is tossed in to not sound bitter.  The first part is the most important and reveals that he actually blames the ex boyfriend for the relationship not working out. He says, “he turned out not to be.” He turned out to be disappointing, or not what the man was really looking for in a partner.  “He turned out not to be” the one. I was the ex.  This is blaming.

It bothers me because a relationship’s end is due to many factors.  As we look back at a relationship we will find many reasons why we ended it. Every negative thing about our ex boyfriend will be remembered and focused on.  But we also look and see mistakes we made in the relationship. It seems to me that a profile with “he turned out not to be” the one suggest that all the blame lies on someone else.  I wonder if he will always put the blame on others for other things as well.

“Oh well we live and learn,” is also a veiled negative statement.  It is implied that  something was bad in the relationship that is worthy of becoming a life lesson.  I dislike this. It not only reduces the entire relationship to a life lesson, but it has a tone of superiority. It removes the emotions of anger and bitterness, and says oh I’ve learned, I’m better now.  It is all fake and posing.  He has risen above petty things and is fine. 

With all the negative references, you should proceed cautiously. However, if you choose not to initiate contact with someone who’s profile has a negative reference, it is ok and you need not fell guilty.  In time you can come back to the profile and see if he has updated and removed the negativity.

All profiles with references to a past relationship should be looked at cautiously.  These references indicate anger at the ex boyfriend that is not being dealt with in the right ways. It could reveal the man has not yet started reestablishing his independence and is still seeing himself connected to the ex.  A reference to a past relationship brings the ex boyfriend into the room, where he should not be.