Online Etiquette Rule #9: You are Either in a Realtionship or Not

How to Reply to the Question: Are you in a Relationship?

          Amazingly, yes this needs to be clarified.  How to reply to the question: are you in a relationship?  Let’s start with the rules and then I’ll explain why they exist.

          Rule 1: reply honestly.

          Don’t lie. All lies will be found out. If you are having trouble with this question, the answer is most likely yes.  Single people never have trouble with this question. They know they are single. Only partnered men, who are not sure they want to stay in the relationship, or are in the process of breaking up, or are thinking of cheating, have trouble with this question.  Look I’ll help you: the answer is yes!

          This really is a black and white question, there are absolutely no shades of gray here, no conditions, situations, or provisions that change this: you are either in a relationship or you are single. 

Rule 2: reply clearly, and with as few words as possible. For example:

          Guy: I’d like to play with you sometime.

          Singleguy: that will be hot.  Aren’t you in a relationship?

          Guy: Yes.

          That’s it, nothing else is required or needed. Let’s look at this recent example I’ve encountered.

          Guy: I’d like to play with you sometime. I think you are hot.

          Singleguy: are you not in a relationship?

          Guy: Yes, I am but it's not of the sexual natured one. We primarily just live together and yes we still care about each other. But that's about it. If I had a really good job and as well I could deal with things on my own, I would leave the relationship and be on my own.

          Oh dear! I feel heavier just reading this. So are you in a relationship or not? It sounds like you are roommates. This is a copy and paste job. But I corrected punctuation and misspellings so if he sees it, he will not recognize it.

          This is an excellent example of what not to do.  Look at the difference between the good example and this one.  Way too many words and it leaves the reader with more questions. Here are the ones I had:

Do you really think that those are valid reasons to stay in a relationship that seems less than friends?

Is he your caretaker? Does he pay for you and you don’t want to end that until you find your next victim?

Why do you need a good job to live on your own? What is a good job? What do you do now? I’m unemployed and I’m not in a relationship like that.

Would your partner describe the relationship the same? What’s his profile name, I’d like to ask him.

Have you thought have you thought about going to counseling to work through your immaturity? I know a good one I can recommend, he specializes in gay men.

          See when you give more information in your reply you show just how crazy you are. And I’m not using that word crazy in the clinical way, I mean it in the street, you are crazy way. In person I might say to this guy: dude shut the hell up! I just asked if you are in a relationship not everything about it.

          See I don’t play with partnered guys. (This rule gets broken all the time, because I keep assuming that guys chatting with me are single. My mistake.) When I ask if you are in a relationship, it doesn’t matter any of the conditions around it, you are in a relationship, and you’ve been cut from the team. Sorry.

          People give all the information for many reasons I’m sure, but I’m only interested in one. They tell me all this stuff to appear as if they are not in what I am calling a relationship or that the relationship is different, so play time can still be a go.

          No it can’t.

          This happens mostly when you get the qualifier: Open.  Yes, I’m in an open relationship.  Oh see so this means that you can play with me. Notice it’s assumed that I am in an open singlehood. I am not. My singlehood is closed, and I only play with single men.  But even with this one word, “open” I’m still filled with questions:

          What are the rules?

          Are you allowed to kiss? Or just lie on your back and get a blow job? Will there be any intimate traffic (that’s a German phrase for sexual intercourse, I’m not sure but I thought it dealt with anal sex.)

          Do we have to meet at my place only?

          During your work hours, late at night?

          Are you truly open, or is it only when you can get away with it, or he is out of town, or busy with his hobbies?

          Are you really in an open relationship where you have sex with other men, or are you in a nominal open relationship where you just chat about having sex with other men?

          If he calls and says he wants to have dinner the night we are having our play date, will you cancel with me? Or will you tell him: oh honey I’m going to have sex with someone else.  I mean you are in an open relationship so you should be able to do that, and you should do that, if you are truly open.

           I often wonder what is wrong with you that you are in an open relationship.  Why is it that you and your partner are not happy with just each other? Sex is important—in a relationship. That’s true, but you are not in a relationship with all the guys you sleep with, you are in a relationship with the guy who doesn’t satisfy your appetite.  Outside a relationship sex has no importance.  I don’t think the problem is your partner: I think the problem is you. Have you thought that you might have sexual addiction? Maybe if you address the issue you would find your relationship with your partner getting better. 

          See what happens when you don’t answer the question simply with as few words as possible. You open doors to more thoughts than you wanted. Just say: yes. And end it there.  Answering with just yes allows the other to ask if it is open or not. 

          For me, simplest answer revels that he is secure in his relationship. That I like. I like the feeling like I’m getting to know someone who is secure. I’m complicated enough, I’ve got moon in cancer or some odd thing like that. I don’t need more complications.  I think it also allows me to become friends with him.  I find it difficult to be friends with someone who wants to bed me, and I don’t want him to bed me.

          Keep your replies really simple on that question. Don’t complicate it.

Marshall Online #7: Cuddle Chat is Sex Chat

Cuddle Chat: The Other Sex Chat

            You are online chatting with the guys.  Then you get a message that says: oh let’s cuddle. Sometimes it comes in the form of a flirt:  I’d love to be cuddling with you right now.

 Oh dear.

I just really don’t know what to say to this. But it totally annoys me.  And for some reason this weekend I’ve gotten a lot of Cuddle messages. On Friday, a man who I do not find attractive, who I’ve met in person and never message, but I do reply to his messages, he messaged me and said something about wanting to cuddle, then when I didn’t ask if I could come over, he suggested it again. 

Oh dear. 

Then today, I get two guys who start talking cuddle talk. It just annoys me. I really can’t stand it. Nothing, it seems, will bring out the villain in me faster than getting that message: let’s cuddle.

            I dislike it so much I put this on my Bear411 profile: “Let's talk briefly about chatting, constant messages of how much you want to snuggle with me are boring. That can't be the reply to every thing I say. I'm not your snuggle bunny.”  Today I learned that I need to clarify this some because I used the word “constant” which means he should be able to say it once; so it needs to be clarified that it is cuddle chat I don’t care for. I shall do this soon.  (But before I move on, if you are wanting to get to know someone why would you attempt something that potentially be considered as rude? We are not in person, face-to-face, so we can’t banter.) But even with that note on my profile, I’ll get messages about cuddling often. Well guess what? I’m a cynical bastard and I don’t cuddle with idiots who don’t read!

            But let’s talk about the Cuddling Chat. What is it really? It’s a couple of things.

One: it is a come on. If the guy is close enough to come over and he isn’t just saying he wants to cuddle but actually wants to cuddle, then it is a come on. He is making a pass.  He belongs in a bar in the 1970s with cheep lines like, ‘Let’s make like fabric softener and snuggle.”  And what he wants is sex, not cuddling. Or does he really think to men who are attracted to each other would stop at hugging in bed? Please! I guess I’m annoyed by Cuddle Chat because it is really sex chat, but done in an innocuous manner, which kind of makes it a lie.

Two: It is just sex chat. Or am I supposed to feel a strong emotional connection with this guy?  Gawd!  It is sex chat.  It is about talking about our bodies, touching.  Or is he wanting me to reply: Oh I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and feel your body next to mine and just hold you and make you feel safe.

Are you sick yet? I know I am. I’m a writer, but I don’t write Harlequeen novels.

I think what bothers me about the cuddle chat is that it is really a part of the language of lovers. It is what two lovers separated for a time might say to each other.  When you are deeply in love, and your lover is away, you miss him, you pine for him, your heart aches for him.  Then you find yourself saying: I can’t wait to see you and hold you all night long, or I miss hearing you asleep next to me, and feeling your body next to mind. 

Cuddling is what lovers do.  

Sometimes guys will tell me they were trying to flirt or trying to be nice to me when I call them out on the Cuddle chat.   But I don’t understand how this is trying to be nice, when in my profile I share a dislike of this.  And I don’t find that it compliments me. You are so hot I want to cuddle with you. Oh I’m supposed to feel complimented because you want to touch me.  Keep your hands to yourself until I know you. For me that’s the same thing guy Madonna queens say when they say: she’s so hot I’d do her.  I don’t find that complimentary, I find that degrading.

What I think is happening is that he is not feeling so good, he’s feeling lonely.  He is feeling lonely and wants some romantic attention to lessen that feeling.  Let me interject this: I don’t care about those of you who disagree with me, you may, but I’m right about this.  On line life is different from face to face in many ways, but motivations remain.  I know that there have been times when I’ve not felt good, and found myself hugging up to my friends a bit more than I should.  Why? Because the contact comforts me.  But the cause is the loneliness, or the bad day, or whatever.  Online life is no different.  So when I guy is feeling lonely, but is at home alone (when loneliness strikes so harshly) then he resorts to trying to get some attention, in a romantic way virtually. 

I think this is what bothers me about cuddle chat. I’m not your lover, and I’m not even your friend. I’m some guy you don’t really know, that you just saw my picture and thought I was hot.  I’m not the fantasy you are creating about me in your head. I’m totally different. If you are feeling lonely I can’t help you get over that. That is something you have to work on yourself. Go get some hobbies, learn to read, find something to do with your time besides dreaming of a boyfriend.

The problem I think is that the lines between online life and reality can be blurred. My statements in my profile on cuddling have shown how the lines of on line life and reality are blurred.  I often get this message:  “why don’t you like to cuddle?” From reading my profile the guys have understood that I dislike cuddling in person. Not true. I don’t like cuddle chat. So when you chat about something you’d like to do, you should be willing to do it in person.  Yet we all know that some men talk a big game and never produce.  Still the desires for moving something we find hot from online to in person is real and grows the more we involve ourselves within it. I think that is why I really don’t like to be involved in cuddle chat.  I don’t cuddle with people I don’t know.  So I don’t want to mislead him into thinking there is a romantic notions from me, when I’m not sure there is.

Treat cuddle chat the same as you would sex chat.  But know that the lines between fantasy and reality can be blurred so if you chat about cuddling with a guy you don’t like, he may walk up to you in a bar and want to hug.