Online to Face to Face: Part II, Rule #13

     I Spy a Guy from Online: Part II

     Rule #13: If you see someone in public who you chat with, it is ok to say hello if the situation allows it, and you have chatted recently.

     What we are talking about is seeing someone and you walk up and say hello. People should be cultivating online connections that will develop into in person ones as well. You should not fear walking up and saying hello. If he is alone, like in a store, you can approach, get eye contact and say: “I think we’ve been chatting on line.” Or something like that. It is ok, as long as you are keeping it friendly and not making a pass (then I have nothing to say about that.)

Some people don’t want others to know where they chat or even that they chat online. That’s his problem not yours. If you keep it simple and vague and you’ve not revealed what chat site or what kind of chat you’ve had, and you’ve been polite, and he finds offense that’s his problem. If he doesn’t respond nicely and politely he’s a empty milk carton with not too many uses.

One of the most important things to keep in mind is that while you have recognized him, he may not recognize you. You are out of context. He’s used to seeing you with the same look on your face, with the same clothes on, and so forth.  And how many times have we met someone from online and he doesn’t look like his picture. Keep that in mind. I suggest making your approach with the same care you would if you have never chatted. Try not to be too forward, and don’t assume he knows you. A nice introduction is fine and works well. You can follow that up with “I think we’ve chatted online”.  This approach can work if it has been a long time since you last chatted.

     The situation is also important. I’ll be discussing this in more detail later. Just take a moment and look and see what he is doing. Standing alone at the bus stop? Sure why not.  Sitting down at dinner with friends? Maybe not then.  Shopping at the grocery store? Maybe as long as you don’t stalk him and spend time staring.

     If you are cultivating online friendship with people you are willing to be friends with face to face, then if he says hello, you should not be bothered.  He should feel it’s ok, and you should feel it is ok to do it to him.  If you can’t place him, just ask for his screen name and what website, and don’t be embarrassed. He should be ok with these questions. Regardless of the situation or why you think he is talking to you be polite. “Don’t over think the situation or overplay your hand,” Alex (a guy I don’t know from Facebook), is sound advice. If you keep yourself polite and friendly you have choices for the future.

Online to Face to Face: Part I, Rule #12

I Spy a Guy I From a Chat Site

Part I

     When I lived in Chicago, there was a slightly sleazy bar I loved to go to called Manhandler. The front of the bar was always dark with sexually charged videos playing. Then the back of the bar was a terrace, hidden from public view. It was quiet back there and I loved it on summer nights. Winter was no good.  I was sitting on the terrace talking with friends when a man walked by and said: “Oh hey Marshall. How are you?”

     I replied but I had no idea who he was.  I had never met him, had never even seen him. But he knew who I was. I don’t act like I know you when I can’t remember you, I just ask who you are.

     “Do I know you?
     “We chatted on bear before,” he said.  Still not enough info so I stared at him blankly.

     He told me his screen name, and I still didn’t know who he was. When I got home that night, I looked him up and then and only then did I remember him, and our brief chat a year and a half prior.  I needed to see him in the context of our entire relationship before I could remember him. Like when you see a coworker from the same building as you on Sunday at the beach: you don’t recognize her at first because she’s not where you normally see her, and not dressed like you normally see her. I was amazed that he still remembered chatting with me after nearly eighteen months, and remembered my name.

     I did not like his approach. I felt it was more disturbing than welcoming, and slightly unnerving. He spoke to me as if we were old friends. But we had only chatted a little, had one phone conversation, where I realized he was not a good match for me (and I believe he realized I was not a good match for him) and never chatted or spoken again. Yet he walked by and said: “Hey Marshall,” with familiarity.

     Honestly I think he was rude.  Not because he spoke to me, but he spoke to me as if we were old friends when we had ended our chat relationship months before and had never met in person. He acted as if we both had the memory of our chat as he had it. It would have been better if he had introduced himself and later said that he recognized me from Bear411.  

My belief, however, is if you are willing to chat to someone online, you should be willing to chat with him in person. The internet is a place to be nice and friendly and meet people but if you want it contained there, you should never go out in public or only chat with guys from way out of town.

     Some Rules regarding this are important and some guidelines too to help make sure we do this in a polite way. Over the next several days, I’ll post a rule and explain why that one is important. Then after all the rules ruling this topic are completed, I’ll post some guidelines to help in that situation.

    

     Rule #12: Only create chat relationships with someone you are willing to be friends with in person.    

     This was pointed out above. If you are not willing to talk to someone in public, do not have a chat with him. Do not create an online relationship or friendship if you are unwilling to make the transfer to in person. It reminds me of kids in elementary school who would talk and be friends with me at the park, but at school we were not friends and it was wrong for me to say hello.  We are adults and we should not cultivate connections with people online if we are unwilling to cultivate that in person. When we do this we are liars. We tell him by our actions we are friends online, in reality we are not.

     If you meet a guy in person and find out he’s a jerk, you can not only end your face to face connection but also your online one. But jerks so often do not go away.

     Keep in mind, even if you follow this rule others may not.

     To be continued . . . .