Online Rule #17: Regarding Smoking

Online Etiquette Rule #17:

Be Honest About Smoking

     The other night I was invited over to a man’s house who said he “smoked socially” on his profile.  My understanding about this phrase’s meaning is that the person: smokes at parties, bars, and other social situations.  When I arrived I could smell the stench of cigarettes coming from his house while I was standing outside and the door opened. I stayed there for about two and half hours, and he smoked on average one cigarette every half hour. He said he wanted to give me a massage but wanted to smoke a cigarette first. 

     I don’t smoke.

     Let me see if I understand this, you smoke socially and yet your house stinks, and I’m not smoking but you are still smoking while we are hanging out. Doesn’t sound socially to me.

     This man was dishonest about his smoking habits. I typically would call this person a liar, but I think the truth is, he lies to himself the most. He just doesn’t want to admit his true smoking habits to anyone, mostly himself. He’s the kind of guy who says, he can take it or leave it, and then puffs on his fourth cancer stick of the evening.

     Rule #17: Look at your smoking habits and be honest about them on your profile. If you smoke say it!

     For me there really are only two distinctions, you are a smoker or you are not. So regardless of how much you smoke if you smoke then you are a smoker. So say that on your profile. This goes also for people who smoke pot but do not smoke tobacco.  If you smoke pot, then you are also a smoker.

The do-you-smoke question is on many gay websites.  Some only allow for a yes or no, while most have the third classification of “Smokes Socially.” This has to be the most popular answer for this question, and yet I’m not sure I’ve met anyone who truly smokes socially. Let’s clarify what this means. 

Smokes socially means you smoke at the bars, you smoke at parties, you smoke in social gatherings with other smokers. A pack of cigarettes could last for several days or a week for you, unless you are going out to the bars every night. If we are on a date, and I’m a non smoker, a social smoker will not smoke. A social smoker should not smoke at home, should not smoke in his car, should not take smoke breaks at work. These are not truly social situations like a party. A person who drinks socially by comparison would never drive down the street with a beer, would never have a martini at work.

When you get to the do-you-smoke question: look at your smoking habits and be honest.

      I don’t enjoy spending time with smokers, so this is very important to me. I don’t like the way their breath smells, I don’t like the way their skin tastes, I don’t like the way I feel being in a smoky room. My clothes stink, my room and house stink, the car stinks.  But mostly, I don’t like living my life around a bad habit.

Be honest with yourself and with others about your smoking habits. If you are having a question about if you smoke or smoke socially, then the answer is you smoke. That is the most honest.

Marshall Online #13: No Drama

Marshall Online #13: 

When the profile says “No Drama”

     This we see often. There are three things I think it means and I think it is indicated by what he says.

     If he says “No Drama” or the like. This is a statement that should be read as a command. He is telling you to never give him any argument or hassle. So keep in mind any dating, sex dates etc are on his terms, and they can change as he wills. And when you question him on it, he tells you that you are giving him drama and makes you out to be the bad guy. Drop him, he’s the source of the drama.

     If he says he is “drama free and expects the same.” Runaway! He is not drama free, and he doesn’t understand why there is always drama around him: dude you are the common denominator. He is the source of the drama and enjoys it. Getting together with this guy will be filled with drama, count on it.

     If he says “No Drama”.  This could also reveal his past relationships. He could have just gotten out of a relationship that was filled with drama and just is shell shocked about it.  I think if that is the case, you’ll see him change his profile after a time, as he learns that drama isn’t the norm for most men. If you start chatting with him, he may tell you about it, or give you some hints.

     We all want to live our lives free from stress and drama. However, we are talking about matters of sex and love, and there is no way these will go without drama from time to time. But, I think there are people who make the drama (I think I’m guilty of this) and create it when it need not be. When a person like this meets someone who will not put up with the drama, their relationship will be short. But when two drama men meet, then they feed off of each other and blame each other for being the one with drama. Then post on their profile: No drama.

What I Expect of Christians

What I Expect of Christians

     With the debate about gay marriage getting hotter, and the end of DADT, it has come to my attention that a small discussion needs to happen where I explain what I expect of Christians regarding matters of homosexuality.

     I do not expect Christians to embrace my choice to live openly.

     I do not expect Christians to congratulate me on choosing not to hide being gay by lying to a woman and marrying her.

     I do not expect Christians to perform gay weddings in their churches.

     I do not expect Christians suggest sinful behavior liking having sex with a woman to make sure I’m gay.

     I do not expect Christians to change their beliefs or compromise them—in fact I expect them not too.

     I do not expect Christians encourage me to continue to do volunteer work within the gay community.

     What I do expect are these things:

     I expect that if Christians are going to quote the Bible and expect change, then I can quote the Bible and expect change. In fact, I expect when I remind them of their faults by pointing out how they are disobeying the scripture that they apologize, repent and obey the rules.

     I expect that if Christians can justify not following some of the rules in the Bible, that I can also justify me not following some of the rules.

     Mostly, what I expect of Christians is to be as Christ-like as they can. This is an expectation, it is required of you as followers of Christ, you do not have the option. I expect that when a friend of mine, who is a Christian, realizes that I’m gay, that he will continued to enjoy my company, he will invite me to dinner as he always has, he will join in my celebrations as he always has.

I expect that Christians, instead of showing me the face of anger, fear and scapegoating, that they show me the face of happiness in the Lord, they show me the same smiling face that Jesus showed the sinners of His day when he sat down and celebrated with them, enjoyed their company, shared meals with them.

I expect that Christians not only repeat the words “all have sinned and fall short of the Lord,” but they believe it, and understand their sins and seek repentance.

     I expect that when I meet a Christian, that I do turn and leave never wanting to get to know God. I expect that when we meet, I should see the joy of the Lord in Christ and consider that heaven might be a place I would want to go.

     I do not expect Christians to ever yell at me, taunt me or harass me. I expect the opposite. I expect that when Christians see me being abused they stand up for me, just as Christ stood up for the adulteress by stopping her execution.

     I expect that Christians become upset at those who would harm me, just as Christ was upset with those that would harm the adulteress.

     These are my expectations.

     

Marshall Online #12: Sex-chat

Marshall Online #12: Sex-chat

    

     We’ve all had sex chat I think. It happens so easily and without much effort that we are almost helpless to stop it. Even when we aren’t looking for sex chat, it slides in so quietly that we can hardly tell when it happens, until it is too late and we are chatting dirty. Sex chat isn’t bad, I don’t think, as long as we realize it is chat and not promises of liaisons.

     Sex chat is without a doubt gay erotica/porn online that is interactive. You need two people to do it, although I think more can happen too. This is really fantasy and nothing more. However, if you are sex chatting with someone in your area, make sure you don’t mislead him into thinking this is what you are really like: unless you are really like that.  Make sure that you are not making promises for tryst and that you are going to deliver something you cannot.

     Here are some tips to help you recognize the sex chat is about to start. With the hope, that you can catch yourself and stop it, if that is what you want. Even though these warning signs happen, one may not realize it, even after reading this. I know I don’t. If sex chat doesn’t bother you, then don’t worry about it, just keep reading and get some tips for effective sex chat.

     The converstation goes nowhere. This could be at the start of your chat life or in the middle of it. Suddenly you have little to say, and he has not given you much to say or to ask. But yet you are still chatting. You are saying about the same thing, what’s up, how you doing, what’s going on. Both of you are wanting something to happen. Like sitting next to each other just waiting on one to touch the other. This is pre sex chat.

     Not always does this develop into sex chat. Because both of you are unsure and shy about it, it may just stop there with bad meaningless converstation.  But if you send a subtle hint, he may respond. I’ve done it many times, and it works all the time. The next thing you know, you two are having some sex chat.

     He sends emoticons.  This can be as a greeting or in the middle of a converstation. He sends you a smiley face, and what he wants is sex chat. If you don’t believe me on this one, try it. Reply to that smiley face with: you look so hot in that second picture, yummm. He’ll reply, trust me.  I sometimes wonder if really the guy who greets with an emoticon just wants sex chat. I’ve tested this so much that I’m convinced that a guy who sends you a smiley face as a greeting wants you to reply with something sexual. This is with someone you’ve never chatted with before. Try it.

     Big Clues.  He’ll tell you he’s horny. He’ll mention his dick. He’ll say something slightly sexual. This is test to see if you reply in kind. If you do, the sex chat will be underway. This guy is not shy, and has lots of confidence.

     Finally, the Subtle Clue, “I wish you were here.” I get this all the time and for the longest time I had no clue what was going on. I wish you were here. Why? You don’t know me. We’ve just started chatting. But if you reply with: oh if I were there we’d be having fun, you’ll see a change in him quickly. He’ll reply in kind, he’ll keep that chat going, he’ll jump right on the chat. I don’t like this clue. It’s almost sad. It’s that I’m-so-lonely-please-love-up-on-me line.

     Oh and any kind of cuddle chat is sex chat see my blog entry on that Cuddle Chat is Sex Chat.

     But if you want sex chat, and that’s ok, here are some tips to becoming better at it. I consider myself a pro of sorts. Not because I’m a Casanova in person, but because I’m a creative writer. And what is sex chat but interactive creative writing.  But still, anyone can get good at this and anyone could be a pro. (Well most people.)

     Tip 1: understand this isn’t real, this is fantasy. So if you are a bottom and you are chatting with another bottom, you can sex chat as a top. This isn’t real, hell he more than likely lives half a world away, so you won’t called to prove your toppness. So when he makes the hint for sex chat; if you want, reply in kind and be the top. Explore what you would like out of a top. Explore your own dreams. See how he responds. He’ll like it, I’m sure.

     Tip 2: understand who you are chatting with.  This isn’t so easy, and may take some time, or have to back track some when you make errors. (But back track and correct and move on.) If you get a clue he’s not into something you said, don’t push it, move on. There is plenty to go by to figure him out some. Look at how he replies to understand him more. Are his comments shy and reserved: he may want you to take the lead. Are his comments forceful and strong: he may want you to follow.  Just pay attention to him, his comments, and how he types them. There is a difference between “Oh hell yeah,” and “nice”. If he replies with something that seems shy, then be more assertive, be more romantic, you can get him into it. If he replies with a comment about something else, stop the sex chat.  

     Tip 3: Be creative. You are creating a world, a sexual world, so be open minded and creative. There are no limits in sex chat of what you can do and where. You can set it on a beach, or in his house. You can tie him up, or be tied. You can caress his body or whip him. Make sure you are paying attention to your partner and keeping in line with what he is wanting, but otherwise go crazy. Explore ideas you’ve had and see how he replies. He may offer suggestions you had never thought about. Being creative is the most important. Be creative and go for it.

     Tip 5: type good sentences with descriptions. This is as important as tip 4.  Look at the difference between these two: “You’ll suck my dick,” and “I’d be on the chair and you’ll be on your knees in front of me, in that nice place where my legs touch your sides, you’ll feel my hand on the back of your head moving you to my crotch.” Yes one is longer I know but it makes for better sex chat.  The first one isn’t horrible, but it limits how I respond when I read it, how my mind responds and how my body feels at reading it. The first one limits that response to just my mouth or my crotch. And yes it is an “Or”. But the second one makes me feel more of my body and his body: hand on head, legs on the sides, and of course the mouth and crotch. This is more of a complete picture. Reading this will stimulate the mind’s imagination and he’ll love it.

It’s all in our heads, and the words we use stimulate our mind, our mind will stimulate other parts in turn.

     Tip 6: Cuddle at the end. Sometimes it happens that one of you get’s off during this. Make sure you cuddle at the end. Don’t just say: got to go. Take a few messages and tell him how much fun it was, tell him you’d do it again, tell him how hot he was. 

     Sex chat can be fun! But if it is not what you want then you need to get out of the chat. Simply, tell him you’ve got to go, or even “oh this is heading down a road I’m not ready for.” Being honest with your intensions and desires will help you stop sex chat right away. Stopping it before it starts is always best, so if you get a clue he’s heading down that path, stop it: do not reply in kind. If he says he’s horny, ignore it and ask about the weather. If he says he wishes you were there, tell him ‘well I’m not.”

     Sex chat is great as long as you stay open minded and honest. Don’t mislead people into thinking you are willing to do things you are not willing to do in person, but at the same time explore things. Just make sure he knows it is fantasy. I know it is hard to believe that people don’t know this, but they don’t always know it.

Rule #16: Flip Photos

Rule # 16: Flip Your Pictures Right Side Up

     This is a short entry, one I wish I didn’t have to make, but I do.

     I don’t know how many times I’ve come across profiles with photos on their sides or even upside down. Look I don’t want to go flipping my lap top to see what you look like. But thank goodness I can. If I were on a desk top, I’d have to flip my monitor. That’s just silly. So flip your pictures and then post.

     Your excuse of I don’t know how doesn’t hold water. It’s a simple set. You download the pictures; you look at them when you get to one that is on its side: you flip it, then save it. There is a button that has an arrow (one to the left, one to the right). All you do is click that and your picture turns. Like magic! Amazing all your friends, and helping you let others see you clearly and not think you are missing something upstairs.

     Rule #   : Flip your photos right side up.

Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friends Requests

Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friend Requests

   

     One of my favorite websites is Facebook. I love it. I love being nosing and seeing what all of my friends are up to. I love seeing pictures of their trips, their families, their lives. I’m glad I get news from my friends from across the world. I feel closer to them.

     But one issue that comes up often for people who are not on Facebook is that they don’t want all those high school people wanting to be their friends.  This is a small issue, although somewhat complex, and easily fixed.

     Let’s talk first about what Facebook is. Facebook is a website that automatically will try to connect you to people you may or may not know. It does this by looking at possibilities of who you are friends with, where you went to high school, and maybe jobs or other ways (education etc.). The strongest seems to be high school, and linking you with friends of friends. 

     The purpose of Facebook is to allow you to keep up with your friends in an easy way. But it can be used for any reason you like: hooking up, pen pals, sharing ideas, keeping in touch. That is your choice.

     First know that every question asked by Facebook when you set up your account doesn’t have to be answered. If you feel your teen friends are not worth your time as an adult, don’t put your high school information down. It is that simple.

     But eventually, we are going to get friend requests from someone we don’t consider a friend. What to do?

     Know yourself and your boundaries.  Establish what you want out of Facebook and stick to the ways that will help you get what you want out of it.

     For those of you who want to find old friends, but not old enemies here are some suggestions.

     1: don’t worry about them; they may not be interested in you. Stop allowing them to dictate your enjoyment even as an adult. I have a few ex’s on Facebook. We are not friends and we don’t bump into each other. We live peacefully in our own lives and in our own space. How? By not worrying about the other.

     2: You get a request from a former enemy. Don’t accept it. That simple. If the person brings back many bad memories just ignore it or say no. Either is fine. You can block that person too. You are not forced to say yes, it is your right to say no. And don’t let the fear of the past get in your way today. And don’t let feelings that you are being rude affect you either. You are not, you were not friends it’s ok to say no.  

     2.1: You get a request from a former enemy. Keep an open mind. People change. You don’t want to be reminded of past evils I’m sure. There could be many reasons why that person is contacting you. Or they don’t remember high school being what you remember it. I’m sure one of my friends from HS doesn’t remember calling me the “Biggest Fag in Chesnee,” or how a group chastised me for not being the same religion as them, how I was hit while she yelled ‘who do you worship, the devil?’ And if they did, it is in the past. I’m willing to give them a second chance. (So far the religious one has not mention that at all, and neither have I, again it is in the past.) I don’t want people to hold stupid things I did in the past against me, so I don’t want to do that to them as well.

3: when someone you don’t remember fondly asks to be your friend. You can say yes, wait a few weeks until they have gone on with their lives, then delete them. That simple, really.

Many people on line doing this forget who they have requested. And will forget that you and he were friends.

In general, keep in mind: you are responsible for your own circle of friends; you do not have to allow someone you don’t like or who brings up bad memories for you. You can either not accept requests, or block the person, either is fine. It is only online after all.

Allow for peace in all situations. If you give someone a chance and they turn out to be the same as in HS, delete them, trim the fat and get on with your life.

Facebook is a place for you to relax, connect and enjoy good memories. It is not a place for intimidation. You are in charge of that not the other: block, delete, don’t accept.

           

Rules 14,15: Regarding .Locked Pictures and Flirts

Rule #14;  Unlock Your Photos When you Message someone.

     Some websites don’t require a person to show his face on the profile, as well as allowing members to keep photos private or locked.  If you contact someone, unlock your pictures when you do.

     This happens to me all the time, I receive a smile on Adam4Adam and I can’t see who smiled at me. It’s kind of creepy. It’s like having a stalker. So when you smile at someone, go ahead and unlock your photos so we can see who smiled at us.

     I feel that this is rude of the person and you don’t want to start any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, with you being rude. So unlock the pictures when you sent the message. You can lock the again if you dislike the person.

     The excuse of being discreet doesn’t carry much weight with me. I find that it suggest you are ashamed of yourself in some way.  Is it that you are ashamed of being gay? Or of being on that website? Either way, you show me you are not comfortable with yourself and this doesn’t help me receive your smile or flirt and feel flattered.

     Of course some guys want to get ‘get to know’ you before they reveal who they are. Creepy! Again you are taking more than you are giving and the relationship is unbalanced.

     Fear not, reveal who you are and be polite.

     Rule #15   You Do Not Have to Reply to Smiles, Flirts, Ect if there is no face picture.

     There is no reason to encourage someone who is hiding.

     However, I sometimes reply with something like: I can’t see you. I can’t see your smile. Or why thank you person I can’t see. They never unlock their pictures.

     Don’t feel badly about it, just ignore it if you wish. See Rule #10.

Marshall Online #10

Marshall Online #10: 

Photos Tell The Story of You

     Every so often I run across a profile that I really think does a good job at presenting himself, and showing his personality. When you select your photos you should consult my guidelines for doing this. In general, the pictures should tell the story of you. In this example from a man I chat with from time to time, you’ll see the a good example of telling the story of you.

     We are going to call this guy Joe.

     Joe has recently updated his pictures on Bear411. Bear411 requires that all profiles have a face picture as the main picture. Joe has done this, and used a clear nice photo of him.

     The other seven pictures do more.

Picture #1 

     He’s imposed the words: As this is a bear site, here is the body hair pic to earn street cred. Whatever site you are on, know what it is about. Bears love hair and bellys. If you have one or both, show them! If you are on a site for leather, wear leather.  

Pictures #2

     The artsy pic for intrigue, he calls it.  Clearly he’s showing us that his got some smarts. He’s looked at the profiles and he’s seen what others have done, and is making fun of them while doing the same thing. He’s understood what people are doing on their profiles and does it with a great humor. If you can do something similar do it. Always try to show your smarts and humor. 

                                      Picture #3

    Picture showing my fun personality. Its outdoors, it’s with others, he’s having fun—and we can see it. Nothing says datable than someone who has fun, and has fun with others. This is really important: get photos of you in fun situations, and with others. Do not be an isolated with your web cam taking photos of you not smiling. Be fun!

Picture #4

    I might be outdoorsy.  Ok I see this on bear411 all the time, and I see it on adam4adam, and I bet you will see it on Recon—“I’m down to earth, I love the outdoors.” It’s become cliché to use these phrases. The only worse phrase is “love walks on the beach.” But Joe does something outdoorsy, something to show it. Can you do that? Do you go hiking? Get a photo. Do you play softball. Get a photo. Show us that you don’t repeat what other profiles state, show us you are outdoorsy.

Picture #5

    Something different. I just laugh. So many profiles have a picture of their city, or their house. Here Joe, does it but makes us laugh. Again, showing us he has a sense of humor.

Picture #6

     Hairy pictures. It’s for a bear site, and he points out how hairy he is. But this time he mentions sexual availability. This kind of a turn on, that’s a flirt.  It says dateable. I want to date a guy who flirts, and who is physically there. He’s showing us he is.  It’s not porn. It’s tasteful and fun.

Picture #7

     Finally, the last picture. The penis shot. What a fun way to show your penis. It’s great fun. It’s flirty, and it isn’t porn.

     Joe has done a great job with is photos. He is flirty, fun, funny. He really shows his intelligence with his captions that say: this is all a game, and I’m going to play along. See if you can work on the same thing on your profiles.

Online to Face to Face: Part II, Rule #13

     I Spy a Guy from Online: Part II

     Rule #13: If you see someone in public who you chat with, it is ok to say hello if the situation allows it, and you have chatted recently.

     What we are talking about is seeing someone and you walk up and say hello. People should be cultivating online connections that will develop into in person ones as well. You should not fear walking up and saying hello. If he is alone, like in a store, you can approach, get eye contact and say: “I think we’ve been chatting on line.” Or something like that. It is ok, as long as you are keeping it friendly and not making a pass (then I have nothing to say about that.)

Some people don’t want others to know where they chat or even that they chat online. That’s his problem not yours. If you keep it simple and vague and you’ve not revealed what chat site or what kind of chat you’ve had, and you’ve been polite, and he finds offense that’s his problem. If he doesn’t respond nicely and politely he’s a empty milk carton with not too many uses.

One of the most important things to keep in mind is that while you have recognized him, he may not recognize you. You are out of context. He’s used to seeing you with the same look on your face, with the same clothes on, and so forth.  And how many times have we met someone from online and he doesn’t look like his picture. Keep that in mind. I suggest making your approach with the same care you would if you have never chatted. Try not to be too forward, and don’t assume he knows you. A nice introduction is fine and works well. You can follow that up with “I think we’ve chatted online”.  This approach can work if it has been a long time since you last chatted.

     The situation is also important. I’ll be discussing this in more detail later. Just take a moment and look and see what he is doing. Standing alone at the bus stop? Sure why not.  Sitting down at dinner with friends? Maybe not then.  Shopping at the grocery store? Maybe as long as you don’t stalk him and spend time staring.

     If you are cultivating online friendship with people you are willing to be friends with face to face, then if he says hello, you should not be bothered.  He should feel it’s ok, and you should feel it is ok to do it to him.  If you can’t place him, just ask for his screen name and what website, and don’t be embarrassed. He should be ok with these questions. Regardless of the situation or why you think he is talking to you be polite. “Don’t over think the situation or overplay your hand,” Alex (a guy I don’t know from Facebook), is sound advice. If you keep yourself polite and friendly you have choices for the future.

Online to Face to Face: Part I, Rule #12

I Spy a Guy I From a Chat Site

Part I

     When I lived in Chicago, there was a slightly sleazy bar I loved to go to called Manhandler. The front of the bar was always dark with sexually charged videos playing. Then the back of the bar was a terrace, hidden from public view. It was quiet back there and I loved it on summer nights. Winter was no good.  I was sitting on the terrace talking with friends when a man walked by and said: “Oh hey Marshall. How are you?”

     I replied but I had no idea who he was.  I had never met him, had never even seen him. But he knew who I was. I don’t act like I know you when I can’t remember you, I just ask who you are.

     “Do I know you?
     “We chatted on bear before,” he said.  Still not enough info so I stared at him blankly.

     He told me his screen name, and I still didn’t know who he was. When I got home that night, I looked him up and then and only then did I remember him, and our brief chat a year and a half prior.  I needed to see him in the context of our entire relationship before I could remember him. Like when you see a coworker from the same building as you on Sunday at the beach: you don’t recognize her at first because she’s not where you normally see her, and not dressed like you normally see her. I was amazed that he still remembered chatting with me after nearly eighteen months, and remembered my name.

     I did not like his approach. I felt it was more disturbing than welcoming, and slightly unnerving. He spoke to me as if we were old friends. But we had only chatted a little, had one phone conversation, where I realized he was not a good match for me (and I believe he realized I was not a good match for him) and never chatted or spoken again. Yet he walked by and said: “Hey Marshall,” with familiarity.

     Honestly I think he was rude.  Not because he spoke to me, but he spoke to me as if we were old friends when we had ended our chat relationship months before and had never met in person. He acted as if we both had the memory of our chat as he had it. It would have been better if he had introduced himself and later said that he recognized me from Bear411.  

My belief, however, is if you are willing to chat to someone online, you should be willing to chat with him in person. The internet is a place to be nice and friendly and meet people but if you want it contained there, you should never go out in public or only chat with guys from way out of town.

     Some Rules regarding this are important and some guidelines too to help make sure we do this in a polite way. Over the next several days, I’ll post a rule and explain why that one is important. Then after all the rules ruling this topic are completed, I’ll post some guidelines to help in that situation.

    

     Rule #12: Only create chat relationships with someone you are willing to be friends with in person.    

     This was pointed out above. If you are not willing to talk to someone in public, do not have a chat with him. Do not create an online relationship or friendship if you are unwilling to make the transfer to in person. It reminds me of kids in elementary school who would talk and be friends with me at the park, but at school we were not friends and it was wrong for me to say hello.  We are adults and we should not cultivate connections with people online if we are unwilling to cultivate that in person. When we do this we are liars. We tell him by our actions we are friends online, in reality we are not.

     If you meet a guy in person and find out he’s a jerk, you can not only end your face to face connection but also your online one. But jerks so often do not go away.

     Keep in mind, even if you follow this rule others may not.

     To be continued . . . . 

Rule #11 and Exception to Rule #11: Delete Overly Sexual Greetings

Greetings: Overly Sexual

     Greetings! Greetings are important. I find out so much information about you from your hello.  This is as true online as in person. That first impression is lasting.  But some guys are too forward online, and send the most outrages greeting messages. Things they would never do in person. What to do? Do you reply with a thank you? Do you tell him he’s nuts?  Deal with him swiftly because he is not going to get you want you want.

     Delete the message.

     Send him straight to jail, he will not pass Go, he will not collect 200 bucks. Directly to jail—Delete it.

     There is no reason to do anything else. Regardless of what you are looking for, even if what you are looking for is sex-right-now, delete that message. Why? Because sex with this guy is not going to be fun. He’s past the stop sign before you are in the car. In bed he’ll be like a juggler with no hands.

     But let’s be sure we are on the same page here. Cause I don’t want to be accused of making sweeping generalizations about overly sexual messages. The topic isn’t sexual messages in general, the topic is: overly sexual greetings. This is your first contact. You’ve never chatted before, you’ve never looked at his profile (if you did you didn’t send a message). His first message to you is one of these (which I have received):

     Idiot404: damn you are one hot daddy, I’d suck your dick any day, do you need a son who is willing to take your cock at any time.

     Delete.

     Idiot 403: bookstore sex tues or wed, u choose day and time.

     Delete.

     Idiot498: I bet that ass taste wonderful, when do it get to eat?

     Delete.

     Look if you are looking for sex, and want to get the yeast rising quickly that’s fine, but at least introduce yourself. Try this:

     Notsuchanidiot: Hey Dude, nice pics you look hot.

     Guy: Thanks man!

     Notsuchanidiot: yw, how’s your day going? Anything going on?

     Guy: I’m good, not much, just being lazy on my day off. You?

     Notsuchanidiot: me too. Are you looking?

     There you have it. It doesn’t take long to do this. Just a few messages and you can ask in a rather polite way if the guy wants to make the most of his day off. If he isn’t interested at that time, you’ve shown him you are not a crazy, horned-up fawn in spring, and someone who he might, if he wants, continue chatting with, or contact you later when he is looking.

     A guy who is that forward is not going to be fun in bed. Look I know many of you will say: I like a guy who is direct, or it really depends on what you are looking for; what if a guy is on line for right now, or wants a son? Shouldn’t he reply to these messages? The answer is no.  No he shouldn’t. Here’s why.

     What do you think it means that some is that forward? He’s dropped his manners out the bed when he started sexually fantasizing about some guy fulfilling that dream. Notice it’s some guy, it ain’t you. He’s been in his closet polishing his shoes and dreaming about a hot guy who would rush in and mount his flag declaring it his property. Greetings should always be polite, always.  But his cuckoo clock is wound tight with the minuet hand just before the hour: he is so caught up in his sexual passion and need to make an old faithful, that he isn’t thinking clearly.  He has done all the prep work for the dinner, and nearly eaten the meal. By the time he gets to your house there will be little left for you to enjoy.

     However, some of you are online looking for sex. You are clearly on a sexual website, like BarebackRT, or Grinder.  On Bear you are Bear4Sex, and on Adam4Adam you are Online for Right now, or Online for Later Today.  And this now changes things a little.  I typically compare online to being in public like a bar, but on sex sites, the bar comparison no longer works. You are now in a bathhouse. It seems ok for someone to walk up to you very forward in a bathhouse (if taking is needed there).

     In this case you are opening the doors to it. You have stated on our profile that you are looking. I don’t think you can delete the message. Because, with your profile labels, you've said I'm looking for sex. You said it to him first.  You’ll have to reply and accept or deny. 

     But the general rule still stands for the rest of us, and for those looking for sex but have not stated that. I don’t think someone who is out of control worth your time at the moment. Even if you are looking for sex, this guy has done all the foreplay.  It will take you longer to get to him than the sex will last. You are welcome to chat with him at another time, and he may be a nice guy. But at that moment he isn’t thinking with clarity. It seems to be better to let him alone, and come back another time.

     Rule #11: Delete overly sexual greetings, from men you have never had contact.

     Exception to Rule #11: If you have posted you are looking for sex, or you are on a clearly sexual website or Grindr, you must reply to the message. You opened the door, and you must be polite. If you are not interested, just say so.

Marshall Online #9: Creating a Couple-Profile

Couple-Profiles: Make It About Both

     Not only do singles surf the net, but couples do as well. And these couples will often create a Couple-profile. I am split on what I think about it. I love when couples do things as a couple, but I’m concerned that it could mean some negative things. Like codependency, control issues, or a relationship that is on the rocks.  Most of the time, I’m confused on who is who, who I’m chatting with, and who is behind the profile. Sometimes I feel that my nervousness is not in reality, it is over reacting or over thinking it. Then I look closer at the profile and I see that it is truly a Couple-profile. After seeing several that I think exemplify how to do a Couple-profile, I’ve come up with some guidelines to help you create a true Couple-profile.

     Guideline 1: the main photo should show both of you. This is important and cannot be changed. If you are advertising yourself as a couple, then show the couple where everyone can see it. Some websites limit the number of photos a person can see, unless they pay, so make sure you show both where it can be seen. 

     Guideline 2: photos of the couple should be photos of both. Avoid putting two photos together to make a photo of you both. This suggest that both are not involved in this profile, and makes you look more like roommates than a couple.  Surly you have some photos of you both? If not why? Don’t you want to have pictures taken together? Get a friend and take some pictures. It’s that easy.

     Guideline 3: Names coordinate with pictures. This one is a rather difficult one, but it can be done. I came up with the guideline after I saw it on a profile. If the website allows you to put your names, as bear411 does, put both names. Then make the pictures parallel the names.  On your profile you’ll have: Hi my name is Rick and Dick.  Then in all your pictures Rick is on the left, and Dick is on the Right. And in your profile make sure you state: Rick is on the left, Dick is on the right.  This is great when it works out. And it can work out easily.

     Guideline 4: Photos should have the both of you.  I’ve seen couple-profiles with only one member of the couple in the pictures. When I run across this kind of couple-profile, I think that only one is interested in doing this. Look internet chatting isn’t for everyone. If that is the case for one of you, then don’t create a couple-profile. Just state in your profile clearly you are in a relationship. If you are going to have couples profile, then make sure you have photos of the both of you. Most of your pictures should be with the two of you. Pick a variety of situations to show.  Things you guys like to do together. And smile! 

     Guideline 5: a good head shot of each one of you.  While most of your photos should be of the two of you, you should have one individual photo of each of you. This should be a good head shot, so we can see your faces better.  I suggest this because it is often hard to see faces clearly in pictures with more than one person, or pictures at a distance. If you have photos that are clear and we can see your faces, this guideline is optional.

     Guideline 6: writing your profile. Just like your photos, make the profile text be about the two of you. If you give the stats for one, give it for the other. If you give the hobbies and interest for one, give them for the other. Some couples are looking for a third or for playmates, so make sure it is clear that both of you are looking for this and what both of you are looking for.

     Guideline 7: when you chat, chat together. I think if you are going to have couple-profile then both of you should be present for the chat. This isn’t so easy, I understand. But at least be in the same room, and both of you should be willing to take the keyboard and chat.  You do this because the profile is about you both. And if you are looking for a playmate, we need to know that both of you are on board here. I’ve been in situations, more times than not, where I’m told both are on board and want me only to get there and find out that one isn’t as into me as I believed.

     Guideline 8: remind us who we are talking to. Yes when you change hands, tell us. When you re-log on and start chatting with someone you chatted with before, just remind him who he is talking to. Not hard to do, just finish a few messages with your name. Marshall.

     Guideline 9: Do not lie.  Don’t lie, don’t lie don’t lie. All lies will be found out. Don’t tell others that both are ok with this if both are not. 

     Both of you have to be on board here.  If one isn't then don’t create the couple-profile.  It is that simple. Make it about both of you, or don’t make it. Extend the couple to all parts of the profile: photos, text, chat.  It is a couple-profile so make it about the both of you.

Rule #10 You Do Not Have to Reply to Guestbook Signings, Winks, Smiles

The Obligation to Reply to Guestbook Signing, Winks, Similes: Rule #10

     This is a topic that I have not addressed: Must you reply to everyone who sends an initial formulaic message?  This was a hard one for me and I needed to think about it some. I like these little messages, and I think they are great ways to ease into a conversation.  Over the past few months I’ve thought about this a great deal and I’ve come to this conclusion: No, you have no obligation to reply.

     This rule is for initial messages that come in the form of a guestbook signing, or a wink, or a smile.  In general you’ll hear people say: oh you should at least say thank you, he did put an effort in saying hello to you, so you should be polite.  I understand this perspective and I think it is a good way to look at online life. However, if we are trying to make online interactions as close to face to face interactions then we need to readjust this.

     Those passive ways to say hello, the guestbook, the wink, the smile, they are equal to eye contact at a bar. They are not equal to walking up and starting a converstation. They are not equal to paying someone a compliment (even though bear411’s guestbook gives you the choice to say: you are handsome). These ways to say hello are simply eye contact across the bar. They are nothing more.

In the bar he looks at you, sees if you return his eye contact. If you do, he moves forward and finds a way to start talking to you.  In the online world, that eye contact comes in the form of the wink etc.  In a bar, if you see someone is looking at you and you are not interested, you don’t return his look. You don’t have eye contact. And if you do my mistake, you turn away, putting your back to him, or walk out of the room. You do not return his eye contact. Why should the same thing not be the case online?

Therefore, if you look at him, read his profile, and feel you are not interested then do not reply to those messages. It isn’t rude.

This also extends to all emoticon initial messages to anyone.  If someone sends you an emotion, you don’t have to reply: he has not actually done anything other than look at you. If you are not interested then look away. You would in person.

I often send the wave emoticon to people I’ve chatted with for years. If I don’t get a reply, I think: well all I did was wave. 

The same should be looked at for one word messages that seem like greetings.  Have you ever gotten this: “hello,” that’s it. Nothing else just “Hello”. “Hi,” “Heya,” oh Lord.  If you live in Portland, I know you have! While this is better than “hot,” “smoking” “stud,” it isn’t much better.  This is not converstation. To make the bar comparison, this is like walking up to get a drink at the bar, passing someone and saying hello, and if he turns to say hello back, maybe you’ll stop and chat. I think of this like those idiot passive aggressive guys who I don’t like, but that want to be friends with me, and I don’t care to be their friends, so they walk by while I’m talking with someone else and they toss out a “hello” expecting me to turn toward them, stop talking to who I’m talking to and give them all my attention. This is the guy who will later say, oh his conceited I say hello to him all the time and he never replies.  Gawd! Learn some manners!

I realize this seems rude. It seems like you are taking his effort and ignoring it. And well you are doing that, but that doesn’t make it rude: that makes it honest. You should never feel forced to talk to someone who you do not want to talk to, you should never feel obligated to reply to someone you are not interested in. In person, if all you got was a glance at the bar, you wouldn’t feel guilty.

Rule #10: you are not obligated to reply to every guestbook signing, wink or smile that comes your way. This includes any initial messages that come as emoticons or one word greetings. 

Marshall Online #8: When Everyone is Looking for Right Now

Marshall Online #8: When Everyone is Looking for Right Now:

Rules for Navigating Overly Sexed Terrain

It seems that many men get online as another way to meet guys for dating.  I know I have in the past and do. I think it is a valid way to meet people, the same as going to a party or a bar or an event.  Online is a comfy bar, where you get to sit at home and watch a little TV at the same time.  And what’s on the TV is your choice and not the porn shown in the dingy bar.  But just like in real life bar situations, or any situation where you meet a guy for that matter, he might not want the same thing you want when you meet.  He might not be looking for the same thing you are looking for.

We hear complaints often that guys online are just looking for sex. And it is true that many guys are online  just looking for sex. But I don’t think it is any different than in person meetings, it’s just in person we know how to hide it better.  Let me break here for a moment, it is true that the reason for some guys to be online is only for sex, and that is different than meeting guys during an event or doing a hobby.  I square dance. When I go to a square dance, I go for the dancing and not to hook up.  I think this is a common attitude for men and their hobbies—they go for the hobby not to hook up.  (It is also true that many men are looking for a husband, and every part of their lives is about finding a husband and not the activity. See my former blog.)  But even in situations where a hobby is the focus hooking up can happen, relationships can develop.  It isn’t unusual to meet a sex partner at a church event, or a husband in a bar.  But as compared to online life, I don’t think it is much different.  Lots of guys are looking for sex right now, not a husband, at bars, at the store, at an event. 

I think we encounter it more online, at least feel like we do, because websites allow you to label yourself. On Bear411, you can be Bear for Love, or Bear for Sex, or Friendship, or Chat.  You get to put a big label on your profile that announces it to the world.  On Adam4Adam, guys can put many reasons why they are online in a tagline that appears at the top of the profile:  online for right now, for later today, for weekends, or just online.   Unlike bear, on Adam4Adam can also, through their profile questionnaire be online for 1-on-1 encounters, AND group-sex, AND relationship.  I get to be more open about the many things I want. 

We would see just as many guys looking for sex if we wore these labels out and about. Could you imagine going to the Eagle and all the men wearing a tiara with SEX or HUSBAND on it announcing why he goes out to the bars?  TO GET DRUNK AND NOT REMEMBER THE IDIOT THAT BEDS ME.  If only.

I think Adam4Adam’s top label explaining why I’m online right now, and allowing me to put I’m looking for a relationship and group sex in my profile explains an important point.  I maybe online in general to meet guys and find a husband, but sometimes I’m cruising.  The problem with the labels is that it labels us one thing, and permanently.  When we show a contradiction (like in my profile stating I’m looking for a relationship, but at the top it says, online for right now) we confuse the reader.  Sure I’m looking for a relationship, and I’m working at cultivating those.  But there are times when I’m looking for some action, and expect nothing more that lovely encounter. (Lovely encounter assumes he produces what he promises, doesn’t surprise me with some odd kinky thing I’m not familiar with, or an odd request I can’t fulfill.)

On top of the blatant labels we create, guys online are more forward than in person. You might encounter a guy in a bar who is making a pass, and is clearly making a pass. He buys you a drink, he stands really close, he touches you:  but this takes time.  The guy who gives you that t Follow-me Look as he goes to the bathroom is in the bar for right now.  But, he give you that look and not the whole bar, the whole bar doesn’t see his sly maneuver.  What rarely happens is you walk into a bar, and are there for five minutes and have two or three guys asking if you are looking for sex.  Yet it happens online all often.

Look familiar?

First message from Him: you look hot, I’d like to spank my monkey over your belly

Or:

First Message: u r so hot, my dick is hard now just wanting you to sit on it.

If someone did that to you in person you’d slap him. 

They can be a little slower, and more subtle.  Have you ever had this or something similar happen to you as you start chatting with someone:   

Him: Hey, what’s going on?

Guy: Not much, what’s up with you?

Him: Not much. Just hanging out and making the key board sticky. 

Oh those subtle cues. Some cues are becoming universal like “are you looking.” Others are more regional. Here in Portland, I’ve noticed that when you ask where he lives it is to determine if he is close enough to play with right now.  All these little clues are ways guys make a pass online.  He wants to see how you react, see if you pick up on it, see if you reply in kind. Either he wants some sex chat or he will move on trying to get you to come over.

            The forwardness doesn’t just stop with asking if you want to come over. No it goes right down to the kinkiest things you can think of, which makes the issue of so many guys online looking for sex seem worse.  These are things people really should reserve till they get to know you.  I’ve been asked if I would mail some of my dirty underwear, with instructions on how many days I should wear them, how to make sure there is some pee drippings in the front, and request for a few self enjoyment sessions to be left.  I’m mail those right away! And in few months they will appear at a crime scene.

The forwardness isn’t just about reality, it is also about fantasy. Guys will ask questions about you so they can fantasize, and you can help them get that key board sticky.  I’ve been asked when was the last time I showered and the last time I went to the bathroom (number 2), because he wanted me as dirty as I could be. I’ve received request to rub my finger in the line in the inner thigh, and then describe the smell.  Really? Dude really? Get some social graces will you!

In bar terms, these request all come before I’ve finished my first drink, sometimes before I have a chance to order.

            So we have labels announcing that we are looking for sex, we have the forward men who are not in control of their fetishes, we have the bravery of not being in person, and then we have Chuck who just wants to go on a date. Poor fella. He’s confused, he’s discouraged, he’s lost.

            Listen Chuck, you can navigate this terrain easily with just a few simple pointers.

            1: Realize that all labels can be changed without notice.  Yes he may have been bear4sex when he created the profile, but now he’s not.  Look at how he is talking to you to determine where is his today. If the chat is about sex, don’t engage him.  Tell him you are not looking for that right now, but when you are, you’ll contact him.  And let him know that when he isn’t looking for sex but a date, he can contact you. Don’t burn that bridge and don’t be judgmental.  Have you never been horny, or so lonely the loneliness comes out as horny squared?

            1B:  don’t be judgmental.  Always look at how he chats with you to see where he is. He may often be looking for sex, but your profile may have started some new thoughts in him.  He maybe connecting to your chat, and my suddenly be open to dating without realizing it.  You can’t know what frame of mind he was in when he updated his profile. A relationship end, a series of bad dates, feeling frisky at that moment: these are all reasons why a person my put they are online for sex, and all of them are not lasting. Listen to him, and give him a chance.

            2: Try not to let your frustration come out with others.  Look it is just a part of online life and once you accept it, you’ll be happier. You won’t get frustrated and share that frustration with other guys. I find it a turn off when guys lament to me that everyone is looking for sex and how bothered they are about it. I’m bothered that you chose me to let out all your negative energy, and lament to: I’m looking for a date not a patient for therapy.  I’m bothered that you don’t want to talk to me about me or about my hobbies, or my book club. I’m bothered you can’t just relax and let it go, let’s have some fun.  So don’t let the sex cruisers get in your way of making a good impression with others.

            3: End a chat if it is too sexual for you.  Often I think we feel the pressure to keep talking to someone online because we have not yet developed the social graces that we have in a bar. If you were in a bar and someone was making a pass at you, you’d walk away, give a signal to a friend that you need to be rescued, you would down that martini like a shoot and go get a new drink, and never return.  If he were touching you, you would end it quickly.  But online we get caught up in it because we are not physically being touched, and we don’t have action plans of escape. You don’t have to keep chatting with someone who isn’t talking about something that doesn’t interests you.  

Online, you have choices.  You can follow the suggestion in rule 1.  You can just not reply right away, but wait for a day or so and start a new conversation.  You can block him.  You do not have to ever, in person or online, put up with being manhandled verbally or otherwise.  Always be polite, stay calm, and just move way.

A quick note on blocking: do not be afraid to use it. If he is a jerk, that might not change in time. Block him, you’ll never know he sends you messages and all the frustration you feel about him will end.

            4: Be yourself, stick to your goals and don’t get side tracked.  If you maintain yourself you’ll navigate these guys easily. You’ll push that sex chat out, you’ll maintain a pleasant attitude, and you’ll find more guys like you.  They are out there. So don’t fill your time with guys who are not in the same concert hall as you.  You may chat with less men, but you’ll chat with nicer men.

            Four simple rules for navigating that overly sexed online terrain.  It’s ok. You are not alone, others are looking for relationships too.  But remember, online is but one way to meet guys, and it is not the most important way, or best way, just another way. If you are looking for dates, see my previous blog Marshall Online #5 for some ideas.