Marshall Online #8: When Everyone is Looking for Right Now

Marshall Online #8: When Everyone is Looking for Right Now:

Rules for Navigating Overly Sexed Terrain

It seems that many men get online as another way to meet guys for dating.  I know I have in the past and do. I think it is a valid way to meet people, the same as going to a party or a bar or an event.  Online is a comfy bar, where you get to sit at home and watch a little TV at the same time.  And what’s on the TV is your choice and not the porn shown in the dingy bar.  But just like in real life bar situations, or any situation where you meet a guy for that matter, he might not want the same thing you want when you meet.  He might not be looking for the same thing you are looking for.

We hear complaints often that guys online are just looking for sex. And it is true that many guys are online  just looking for sex. But I don’t think it is any different than in person meetings, it’s just in person we know how to hide it better.  Let me break here for a moment, it is true that the reason for some guys to be online is only for sex, and that is different than meeting guys during an event or doing a hobby.  I square dance. When I go to a square dance, I go for the dancing and not to hook up.  I think this is a common attitude for men and their hobbies—they go for the hobby not to hook up.  (It is also true that many men are looking for a husband, and every part of their lives is about finding a husband and not the activity. See my former blog.)  But even in situations where a hobby is the focus hooking up can happen, relationships can develop.  It isn’t unusual to meet a sex partner at a church event, or a husband in a bar.  But as compared to online life, I don’t think it is much different.  Lots of guys are looking for sex right now, not a husband, at bars, at the store, at an event. 

I think we encounter it more online, at least feel like we do, because websites allow you to label yourself. On Bear411, you can be Bear for Love, or Bear for Sex, or Friendship, or Chat.  You get to put a big label on your profile that announces it to the world.  On Adam4Adam, guys can put many reasons why they are online in a tagline that appears at the top of the profile:  online for right now, for later today, for weekends, or just online.   Unlike bear, on Adam4Adam can also, through their profile questionnaire be online for 1-on-1 encounters, AND group-sex, AND relationship.  I get to be more open about the many things I want. 

We would see just as many guys looking for sex if we wore these labels out and about. Could you imagine going to the Eagle and all the men wearing a tiara with SEX or HUSBAND on it announcing why he goes out to the bars?  TO GET DRUNK AND NOT REMEMBER THE IDIOT THAT BEDS ME.  If only.

I think Adam4Adam’s top label explaining why I’m online right now, and allowing me to put I’m looking for a relationship and group sex in my profile explains an important point.  I maybe online in general to meet guys and find a husband, but sometimes I’m cruising.  The problem with the labels is that it labels us one thing, and permanently.  When we show a contradiction (like in my profile stating I’m looking for a relationship, but at the top it says, online for right now) we confuse the reader.  Sure I’m looking for a relationship, and I’m working at cultivating those.  But there are times when I’m looking for some action, and expect nothing more that lovely encounter. (Lovely encounter assumes he produces what he promises, doesn’t surprise me with some odd kinky thing I’m not familiar with, or an odd request I can’t fulfill.)

On top of the blatant labels we create, guys online are more forward than in person. You might encounter a guy in a bar who is making a pass, and is clearly making a pass. He buys you a drink, he stands really close, he touches you:  but this takes time.  The guy who gives you that t Follow-me Look as he goes to the bathroom is in the bar for right now.  But, he give you that look and not the whole bar, the whole bar doesn’t see his sly maneuver.  What rarely happens is you walk into a bar, and are there for five minutes and have two or three guys asking if you are looking for sex.  Yet it happens online all often.

Look familiar?

First message from Him: you look hot, I’d like to spank my monkey over your belly

Or:

First Message: u r so hot, my dick is hard now just wanting you to sit on it.

If someone did that to you in person you’d slap him. 

They can be a little slower, and more subtle.  Have you ever had this or something similar happen to you as you start chatting with someone:   

Him: Hey, what’s going on?

Guy: Not much, what’s up with you?

Him: Not much. Just hanging out and making the key board sticky. 

Oh those subtle cues. Some cues are becoming universal like “are you looking.” Others are more regional. Here in Portland, I’ve noticed that when you ask where he lives it is to determine if he is close enough to play with right now.  All these little clues are ways guys make a pass online.  He wants to see how you react, see if you pick up on it, see if you reply in kind. Either he wants some sex chat or he will move on trying to get you to come over.

            The forwardness doesn’t just stop with asking if you want to come over. No it goes right down to the kinkiest things you can think of, which makes the issue of so many guys online looking for sex seem worse.  These are things people really should reserve till they get to know you.  I’ve been asked if I would mail some of my dirty underwear, with instructions on how many days I should wear them, how to make sure there is some pee drippings in the front, and request for a few self enjoyment sessions to be left.  I’m mail those right away! And in few months they will appear at a crime scene.

The forwardness isn’t just about reality, it is also about fantasy. Guys will ask questions about you so they can fantasize, and you can help them get that key board sticky.  I’ve been asked when was the last time I showered and the last time I went to the bathroom (number 2), because he wanted me as dirty as I could be. I’ve received request to rub my finger in the line in the inner thigh, and then describe the smell.  Really? Dude really? Get some social graces will you!

In bar terms, these request all come before I’ve finished my first drink, sometimes before I have a chance to order.

            So we have labels announcing that we are looking for sex, we have the forward men who are not in control of their fetishes, we have the bravery of not being in person, and then we have Chuck who just wants to go on a date. Poor fella. He’s confused, he’s discouraged, he’s lost.

            Listen Chuck, you can navigate this terrain easily with just a few simple pointers.

            1: Realize that all labels can be changed without notice.  Yes he may have been bear4sex when he created the profile, but now he’s not.  Look at how he is talking to you to determine where is his today. If the chat is about sex, don’t engage him.  Tell him you are not looking for that right now, but when you are, you’ll contact him.  And let him know that when he isn’t looking for sex but a date, he can contact you. Don’t burn that bridge and don’t be judgmental.  Have you never been horny, or so lonely the loneliness comes out as horny squared?

            1B:  don’t be judgmental.  Always look at how he chats with you to see where he is. He may often be looking for sex, but your profile may have started some new thoughts in him.  He maybe connecting to your chat, and my suddenly be open to dating without realizing it.  You can’t know what frame of mind he was in when he updated his profile. A relationship end, a series of bad dates, feeling frisky at that moment: these are all reasons why a person my put they are online for sex, and all of them are not lasting. Listen to him, and give him a chance.

            2: Try not to let your frustration come out with others.  Look it is just a part of online life and once you accept it, you’ll be happier. You won’t get frustrated and share that frustration with other guys. I find it a turn off when guys lament to me that everyone is looking for sex and how bothered they are about it. I’m bothered that you chose me to let out all your negative energy, and lament to: I’m looking for a date not a patient for therapy.  I’m bothered that you don’t want to talk to me about me or about my hobbies, or my book club. I’m bothered you can’t just relax and let it go, let’s have some fun.  So don’t let the sex cruisers get in your way of making a good impression with others.

            3: End a chat if it is too sexual for you.  Often I think we feel the pressure to keep talking to someone online because we have not yet developed the social graces that we have in a bar. If you were in a bar and someone was making a pass at you, you’d walk away, give a signal to a friend that you need to be rescued, you would down that martini like a shoot and go get a new drink, and never return.  If he were touching you, you would end it quickly.  But online we get caught up in it because we are not physically being touched, and we don’t have action plans of escape. You don’t have to keep chatting with someone who isn’t talking about something that doesn’t interests you.  

Online, you have choices.  You can follow the suggestion in rule 1.  You can just not reply right away, but wait for a day or so and start a new conversation.  You can block him.  You do not have to ever, in person or online, put up with being manhandled verbally or otherwise.  Always be polite, stay calm, and just move way.

A quick note on blocking: do not be afraid to use it. If he is a jerk, that might not change in time. Block him, you’ll never know he sends you messages and all the frustration you feel about him will end.

            4: Be yourself, stick to your goals and don’t get side tracked.  If you maintain yourself you’ll navigate these guys easily. You’ll push that sex chat out, you’ll maintain a pleasant attitude, and you’ll find more guys like you.  They are out there. So don’t fill your time with guys who are not in the same concert hall as you.  You may chat with less men, but you’ll chat with nicer men.

            Four simple rules for navigating that overly sexed online terrain.  It’s ok. You are not alone, others are looking for relationships too.  But remember, online is but one way to meet guys, and it is not the most important way, or best way, just another way. If you are looking for dates, see my previous blog Marshall Online #5 for some ideas.