Rule #10 You Do Not Have to Reply to Guestbook Signings, Winks, Smiles

The Obligation to Reply to Guestbook Signing, Winks, Similes: Rule #10

     This is a topic that I have not addressed: Must you reply to everyone who sends an initial formulaic message?  This was a hard one for me and I needed to think about it some. I like these little messages, and I think they are great ways to ease into a conversation.  Over the past few months I’ve thought about this a great deal and I’ve come to this conclusion: No, you have no obligation to reply.

     This rule is for initial messages that come in the form of a guestbook signing, or a wink, or a smile.  In general you’ll hear people say: oh you should at least say thank you, he did put an effort in saying hello to you, so you should be polite.  I understand this perspective and I think it is a good way to look at online life. However, if we are trying to make online interactions as close to face to face interactions then we need to readjust this.

     Those passive ways to say hello, the guestbook, the wink, the smile, they are equal to eye contact at a bar. They are not equal to walking up and starting a converstation. They are not equal to paying someone a compliment (even though bear411’s guestbook gives you the choice to say: you are handsome). These ways to say hello are simply eye contact across the bar. They are nothing more.

In the bar he looks at you, sees if you return his eye contact. If you do, he moves forward and finds a way to start talking to you.  In the online world, that eye contact comes in the form of the wink etc.  In a bar, if you see someone is looking at you and you are not interested, you don’t return his look. You don’t have eye contact. And if you do my mistake, you turn away, putting your back to him, or walk out of the room. You do not return his eye contact. Why should the same thing not be the case online?

Therefore, if you look at him, read his profile, and feel you are not interested then do not reply to those messages. It isn’t rude.

This also extends to all emoticon initial messages to anyone.  If someone sends you an emotion, you don’t have to reply: he has not actually done anything other than look at you. If you are not interested then look away. You would in person.

I often send the wave emoticon to people I’ve chatted with for years. If I don’t get a reply, I think: well all I did was wave. 

The same should be looked at for one word messages that seem like greetings.  Have you ever gotten this: “hello,” that’s it. Nothing else just “Hello”. “Hi,” “Heya,” oh Lord.  If you live in Portland, I know you have! While this is better than “hot,” “smoking” “stud,” it isn’t much better.  This is not converstation. To make the bar comparison, this is like walking up to get a drink at the bar, passing someone and saying hello, and if he turns to say hello back, maybe you’ll stop and chat. I think of this like those idiot passive aggressive guys who I don’t like, but that want to be friends with me, and I don’t care to be their friends, so they walk by while I’m talking with someone else and they toss out a “hello” expecting me to turn toward them, stop talking to who I’m talking to and give them all my attention. This is the guy who will later say, oh his conceited I say hello to him all the time and he never replies.  Gawd! Learn some manners!

I realize this seems rude. It seems like you are taking his effort and ignoring it. And well you are doing that, but that doesn’t make it rude: that makes it honest. You should never feel forced to talk to someone who you do not want to talk to, you should never feel obligated to reply to someone you are not interested in. In person, if all you got was a glance at the bar, you wouldn’t feel guilty.

Rule #10: you are not obligated to reply to every guestbook signing, wink or smile that comes your way. This includes any initial messages that come as emoticons or one word greetings.