Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friend Requests
One of my favorite websites is Facebook. I love it. I love being nosing and seeing what all of my friends are up to. I love seeing pictures of their trips, their families, their lives. I’m glad I get news from my friends from across the world. I feel closer to them.
But one issue that comes up often for people who are not on Facebook is that they don’t want all those high school people wanting to be their friends. This is a small issue, although somewhat complex, and easily fixed.
Let’s talk first about what Facebook is. Facebook is a website that automatically will try to connect you to people you may or may not know. It does this by looking at possibilities of who you are friends with, where you went to high school, and maybe jobs or other ways (education etc.). The strongest seems to be high school, and linking you with friends of friends.
The purpose of Facebook is to allow you to keep up with your friends in an easy way. But it can be used for any reason you like: hooking up, pen pals, sharing ideas, keeping in touch. That is your choice.
First know that every question asked by Facebook when you set up your account doesn’t have to be answered. If you feel your teen friends are not worth your time as an adult, don’t put your high school information down. It is that simple.
But eventually, we are going to get friend requests from someone we don’t consider a friend. What to do?
Know yourself and your boundaries. Establish what you want out of Facebook and stick to the ways that will help you get what you want out of it.
For those of you who want to find old friends, but not old enemies here are some suggestions.
1: don’t worry about them; they may not be interested in you. Stop allowing them to dictate your enjoyment even as an adult. I have a few ex’s on Facebook. We are not friends and we don’t bump into each other. We live peacefully in our own lives and in our own space. How? By not worrying about the other.
2: You get a request from a former enemy. Don’t accept it. That simple. If the person brings back many bad memories just ignore it or say no. Either is fine. You can block that person too. You are not forced to say yes, it is your right to say no. And don’t let the fear of the past get in your way today. And don’t let feelings that you are being rude affect you either. You are not, you were not friends it’s ok to say no.
2.1: You get a request from a former enemy. Keep an open mind. People change. You don’t want to be reminded of past evils I’m sure. There could be many reasons why that person is contacting you. Or they don’t remember high school being what you remember it. I’m sure one of my friends from HS doesn’t remember calling me the “Biggest Fag in Chesnee,” or how a group chastised me for not being the same religion as them, how I was hit while she yelled ‘who do you worship, the devil?’ And if they did, it is in the past. I’m willing to give them a second chance. (So far the religious one has not mention that at all, and neither have I, again it is in the past.) I don’t want people to hold stupid things I did in the past against me, so I don’t want to do that to them as well.
3: when someone you don’t remember fondly asks to be your friend. You can say yes, wait a few weeks until they have gone on with their lives, then delete them. That simple, really.
Many people on line doing this forget who they have requested. And will forget that you and he were friends.
In general, keep in mind: you are responsible for your own circle of friends; you do not have to allow someone you don’t like or who brings up bad memories for you. You can either not accept requests, or block the person, either is fine. It is only online after all.
Allow for peace in all situations. If you give someone a chance and they turn out to be the same as in HS, delete them, trim the fat and get on with your life.
Facebook is a place for you to relax, connect and enjoy good memories. It is not a place for intimidation. You are in charge of that not the other: block, delete, don’t accept.
