Today is National Coming Out day, and I’m not going to just encourage those in the closet to come out, but to encourage those of us already out to come completely out. A friend of mine posted a note on Facebook where he discussed how he and his family and friends had adopted a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell way of living. He tells us how he posts things on his Facebook using filters so that some of the things he post will not be seen by all. He tells us how he didn’t want to bring up gay issues with people for fear of upsetting others.
I don’t think he is alone in this DADT lifestyle, and neither does he. I think there are many ways that we section out our lives so that don’t make others uncomfortable. But really I don’t think we are saving others from uncomfort: we are saving ourselves from the uncomfort. Today I’d like to encourage all of us already out and living gay to ask ourselves: are we totally out? Or are we living with a self-imposed DADT lifestyle? We should figure out how we are doing this and stop doing it.
One way that I know that I have sectioned my life is by my blog. My gay homo blog is new and it is one that I’m proud of. I love my topics and think they are really fun. But I am also involved in another Blog: Antigone Goes West: A Basset Blog. This is my dog’s blog, and one that I am really proud to be apart of. Antigone wrote about our bicycle tour across the country and how she supports basset hound rescue and suicide prevention. But these two blogs are not linked together. Antigone hasn’t posted my blog on her blog, and I’ve not done the same. Why? I felt that the audiences were two different people. This may be true, but it isn’t completely honest.
This is me partitioning my life. Keeping my gay life out of my other life. I feared that she would lose readers. I am wrong to make judgments about them this way. I should give them a chance. On her blog, I think she has mention that I’m gay, and we did do the AIDS Walk. So there are some hints, but hints aren’t being out. I think if I were totally out, I wouldn’t have given this much of a thought: I would have linked the two and not worried about it. When she blogged about the AIDS Walk, she would have mention we were doing it because I am gay, and that I want to be apart of my gay community, helping, and raising awareness. She did say that we were doing the walk because I like doing these walks and want to do more locally, but nothing personal about my and being gay. It was almost as if on her blog I removed the personal reasons why we did it. This is not living out.
Coming out of the closet means living out of the closet.
I think we can find other ways that we are not completely out of the closet.
Social networking sites like Facebook are a way that we section off our lives. My friend was using a filter to post gay things to gay people. On my profile I have that I’m interested in men for relationships. But also for friendship, networking, etc. So again, I’m not telling others I’m gay. I think we can and should be open on these sites and post for everyone. And allow questions and even disagreements. Allow our friends and families to get to know us completely. This will not be easy and there may be times that we have some fall out. But with each struggle we handle with dignity and respect, we will rise and change minds and hearts. And in time, we all become used to each other.
I think gayborhoods can also be ways that we are staying in the closet. I love a gayborhood, and I think each city could use one. If only so I don’t have to bar hop all over town. So I don’t think we should do away with them, but I think that these help us live a fantasy life. A life where we are surrounded by gay people, and visit the straight world for work—if we must. We get in the gayborhood and ignore the outside world. All of our neighbors are gay or gay friendly, and we live totally open—but right there. Outside of the area we become nervous, scared, and insecure. It reminds me of the little lady that moves from Mexico to New York City. She lives in a Spanish speaking area and she freely goes about her life. She does everything she needs to do in that area, speaking Spanish at all times. Never does she go to other areas, where she would have to speak English (a language she doesn’t speak well). What is the result? We never met her, and she never meets us, and we never understand how much alike we are.
Self-imposed DADT prevents us from understanding how much alike we are.
I gay square dance. And I love it. But this is also a way that we partition our lives. I do not want to do away with gay square dancing any more than gayborhoods. We differ from heterosexual square dancing in many ways: you can dance male or female regardless of your sex, gender or chromosomes. While I think things like gay square dancing is important for us to have as it gives us a healthy way to meet each other; but I believe that we can also use it as a way to hide. Many areas have square dance associations. When a club has a dance, other clubs will also come and dance with them. We can join in, and be gay square dancers with them. Some gay clubs do this. But not all. And in the clubs that do go out to straight square dances, the members who actually go are just a few. Let’s make this the norm; let’s stop being afraid.
Let’s find other ways we can join in with straight people in fun activities. This year I wanted to play Kickball. But there isn’t a gay kickball league here. I told a chat buddy, and the next thing I know: he started a gay kickball team in a straight league. What other sports could we do this too?
Out political lives are also at times not open. I recently went to a forum on DADT. I’m so glad I did: I learned more about what DADT is and how it is being misused. It was hosted at a gay center. At one point, one of the speakers said, I know I’m preaching to the choir. And that is it exactly. I think we should have these things, forums on gay issues, in gay places, so that we are informed: but we must also do it in non gay places. We must hold these events at other community centers.
How many gays support gay marriage but have not agreed to do my bachelorette protest, or to pass on the information? Why because it isn’t in gay areas, it's in straight areas, and they are nervous. How many people were against Prop 8 but didn’t drive out of San Fran to help convince others Prop 8 is wrong. We can’t wait and let the courts help us get our rights, we have to go out and get them.
Let us use this National Coming Out Day to dedicate ourselves to coming out completely. To living our lives out of the closet. Let us drop our self imposed DADT lifestyles and be open at all times.
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