Getting the Chat Going.
You’ve sent a message to a man you want to get to know; you’ve given him a wink or signed a guest book; sent a simple “you are handsome” message and he has replied with a “thank you.” At this point you’ve established eye contact and have moved across the bar, you are now standing next to him. Now what? Now you got to get that chat going. Here are some suggestions to do and things to avoid.
At the outset, something needs to be clarified. Some people are not good at chat, and they are hard to get to know. You’ll get one word replies or short replies that just answer your question. And chatting can be a struggle. It is hard to tell if the reason he is being so short is because he doesn’t know who to chat or because he isn’t interested in you. This article is about you being as good at chat as you can and getting the conversation going. If you try these things and you are getting no reciprocation, then assume he isn’t interested in you, and pull the chat to a close. (I’ll do blogs on closing chat, and how to figure out if he is into you later.) This is about how you get it going.
Suggestion 1: Ask questions. Online or in person, asking questions is a good way to get the conversation going. Often after a few questions you are going back and forth and getting to know each other.
Danger Will Robinson with Suggestion 1: Asking too many questions. If you find you are asking one question after another, and he is replying and answer them, and just answering them, you are in danger of interviewing him. He may not be interested in you or he could be a social skill dork, either way he’ll blame you. And this is not your fault. You are doing the right things by asking questions, but he isn’t joining the conversation. That’s him, not you. So if you find you’ve asked a few questions back to back, and he has replied with short answers or just answering the question, then let the chat go and move on. I suggest after about three questions you’ve done more than enough to show your interest. So if he hasn’t joined in the converstation, he won’t. Not your fault.
Suggestion 2: Superficial questions are ok for these initial chats. There is nothing wrong with asking about the weather or how his day was. What else are you going to talk about at this point? You don’t know each other so it’s ok. But make sure you use this as a starting point for something else. You can use the weather to find out if he likes to do outdoor things. If he tells you something about his day, you can talk to him about that.
Suggestion 3: Reply with more than one word. Look at this:
Contactor: Your handsome.
Guy: Thank you
Contactor: how are you doing?
Guy: Doing good, how are you?
Contactor: Fine.
Fine! That’s it, just Fine. At least Guy responded with a question and then we get Fine. If you want to keep the conversation going, you have to keep it going. A one word reply will end that conversation quickly. Look he’s responded by asking you a superficial question, and that’s ok. You have to reply with a question of your own, or give him some more information about you that could lead to a question from him. (One word replies reveal a few flags, blog later.)
Suggestion 4: Read his profile. If you read his profile you will find out some things about him that are interesting to you. From there you can chat about that. Common interests are always good ways to chat. Also, things he does that are interesting that you do not do but are curious. I met a guy once because he quilts, and I don’t. But I’d like to. From there we chatted and found some other things in common. Make sure you have a real interest though. Some guys like car racing. I don’t, I find it boring. If he puts on is profile he’s a big race fan, I can’t act like I’m interested just to get his attention. It misleads him into thinking I’m interested. I also wonder if I can really ask good questions. So if he has something on his profile that you are not into so much, then don’t try to fake it. You can find something else. If not, he may not be a good match for you.
Hurdle with Suggestion 2: He has nothing on his profile, or just his stats. This hurdle is like a wall. He isn’t telling you anything about himself. You got choices, follow Suggestion 3, or end the chat. If he isn’t asking you anything or commenting on your profile, he’s too closed for you to reach. So move on and leave his hurdle alone. I think it is too much work. There could be some good reasons why he doesn’t have anything there like he doesn’t want attention from new people. He could be on that site to maintain what he has already. So don’t worry, just move on.
Suggestion 3: Look at his pictures. This is an easy one cause it is his pictures that really get our attention. So scan them to see if you can ask anything about them. Many guys like to show off where they have been, and so they may like talking about their trips. You could see some of his hobbies or interests there too.
These suggestions are ways that you can get a chat going. But they all come down to this: ask questions. It all comes down to you being involved in the conversation and asking questions about the guy you are chatting up. Don’t be afraid.
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