Profile References an Old Relationship
After finding a profile of a man you find attractive, you must read his profile. This is important because here you can find some common interest. This will help you maintain a relationship of some kind after you get used to his pretty face. Eventually, you’ll run across a profile that references a past relationship. His comments could be short, long, negative or positive. What he states is not relevant. What is relevant is that he stated it. When you run across a profile like this proceed with caution.
At the outset, I want to clarify what I mean when I say he references a past relationship. This is not saying he is single or happily single; that is not a reference to a relationship. That is just a statement of his relationship status, and he is making a statement about himself isolated. When he states “just out of a relationship,” or “newly single,” this is a reference to a past relationship; and he is looking at himself within the context of an unseen “other,” who was in his life.
A reference to a past relationship in all cases is unneeded information. And is not appropriate in initial contact with someone. His profile is his formal greeting to you and others who stop by to say hello. A comparison to face to face interaction will make this clear. You are in a bar with some friends. One of your friends has invited a man who works with him and he is introduced. Typically we’d say: hello it’s nice to meet you. What if he replied with: “Its nice to meet you. I’m newly single.” Or “Nice meeting you too, i’m here because I just ended a relationship.” We’d think this was odd. But mostly we would wonder if we would spend the rest of the evening talking about that relationship.
For all references to the past relationship, I ask: why is he doing this? Who is this comment for? Is it for readers of the profile or for the ex-boyfriend? In some cases it is to readers of the profile, and these have their own special meanings. In all cases, it is a comment to the ex-boyfriend.
Subtle Reference: Whenever I see information that isn’t needed, I question it. Sometimes the reference is slight and seemingly unimportant, and will go unnoticed. These subtle references appear like “newly single,” or “just out of a relationship.” These appear just as normal stats and normal information. However, what is required for your relationship status is simply single or partnered. Nothing more. By adding “newly” he qualifies “single;” it points to a past relationship. Its not just: I’m single; it is: I was in a relationship, now I’m not.
When you come across this kind of reference proceed with caution. You will be chatting and getting to know someone who still identifies himself in the context of another person. And he doesn’t realize this. In the future you could possibly become his confidant, and counselor. You are neither. You are someone new in his life. He should take about the past with his closest friends and seek a trained counselor for professional help if he needs it. With you, he should set this all aside and have fun and relax. And get to know you better, and reveal things in time.
So why the added information?
I think it is complex and no one size fits all answer will work. But generally speaking, any reference to a past relationship reveals he is still there in that relationship. Emotionally, or mentally. I’m not suggesting that he should ignore that he was in a relationship. But by referencing the past, he isn’t moving on. After a relationship, I believe we need to see ourselves as independent of that person. So when I create or update my profile, I do that as me and me alone. My ex has no place in it any more. As he has no place in my life anymore. So the general answer is he is still involved in that relationship emotionally or mentally in someway or another.
It could be that it occupies his mind a great deal. I think for a time after a relationship is over it does indeed occupy our minds. But we try to put it in place and control it, so that we can create our independent self again.
Another general reason he does this is to speak to the ex. He isn’t talking to us with this reference, he is talking to his ex and makes his comment to get a response for the ex.
Positive Reference: If what he says seems positive (just out of a relationship, he’s a great guy and I love him dearly but it didn’t work out, I wish him the best,) don’t be caught up in it. This is directed at ex and to new readers for different reasons.
He says this so the ex can know how he feels. This suggest that he is still holding on to the feelings he has for the man and not looking at the status of the relationship. The relationship is over, your feelings are not important. They don’t change the status of the relationship. Feelings of love remain after a relationship is over and focusing on them, to me, is not accepting the end has come. He isn’t looking at the break up or the reasons for the break up: he is only looking at the love he has. It’s denial or avoidance. To the ex he is saying: I still love you. As if this could change the break up. He wants him to know he is still here; he still loves him; he is saying: if you change your mind, we can get back together, my love is still strong.
Relationships end and we still feel emotions for our former boyfriend. That’s normal; that’s ok and healthy. But we keep these feelings to ourselves and only share them with our closest friends—we do not share it with the world. This helps us to reestablish ourselves as independent people, to accept the end of the breakup and deal with the emotions of the break up in focused and healthy ways.
These positive comments are not only directed at the ex boyfriend but they are directed at us too. Whereas to the ex it suggest the possibility of reuniting, to us it suggest a higher level of maturity. We should read this and think: oh that’s so wonderful how he is not bitter or mad. He is posing. He is putting up a front and hiding. If he is hiding it from us or himself is never clear by just looking at the profile. But it matters little which it is, the common denominator is that he is hiding and posing. He is trying to make someone see him as valiant and mature. Showing us that he is rising above feelings of bitterness and anger, to feelings of acceptance and understanding. Be cautious: bitterness and anger always make an appearance.
When you see these positive references you should proceed with caution. You could become involved with someone who is still acknowledging his feelings for someone else, which means you are second. And at anytime, if the old boyfriend comes back, you are gone. Also, he could be using you as a substitute for the ex. This happens often in a physical way. Two people break up and they run out and have a few one night stands. They are filling the empty part of the bed with someone; they are not becoming sexual knights they are fighting loneliness. The same is true on line and with emotional relationships. But mostly you go forward cautiously because he has not identified himself outside of the relationship. And that means, he won’t identify you as a possible partner.
Negative Reference: These references come in direct and veiled statements.
He could post something like, “just got my heart broken so I’m taking my time.” This is a direct and clearly pointed at the ex not at you. He is letting his ex know how hurt he is. Also, he is bringing others into his pain. He wants people to know what that man did to him. Friends of the ex who come across the profile will read it; he hopes they will see what he sees and know his ex for the jerk he is. In these cases the anger is clouding his thinking. It’s ok to feel angry at the end of relationships and to express it. But when it is express as a part of an introduction it suggests the person isn’t controlling his anger. If this were a face to face initial contact and he said: Oh nice to meet you, I recently had my heart trampled on,” you’d walk away.
The veiled negative reference is for me a troublesome one. You’ll find it in things like “I thought he was the one but he turned out not to be.” This is at times followed by the “oh well you live and learn,” statement. These veiled negative references are complex and are so troublesome that I just move on from his profile and do not initiate any contact.
“I thought he was the one but he turned out not to be, it was just not meant to be,” this statement doesn’t seem negative. It seems like he is being understanding, that the relationship just wasn’t meant to be. The universe just said this isn’t a good relationship, it should end. It appears that he isn’t blaming anyone for the end. But that’s not the case. It is the final part of the statement that says he is being understanding. But the final part of the statement is an ad on. It is tossed in to not sound bitter. The first part is the most important and reveals that he actually blames the ex boyfriend for the relationship not working out. He says, “he turned out not to be.” He turned out to be disappointing, or not what the man was really looking for in a partner. “He turned out not to be” the one. I was the ex. This is blaming.
It bothers me because a relationship’s end is due to many factors. As we look back at a relationship we will find many reasons why we ended it. Every negative thing about our ex boyfriend will be remembered and focused on. But we also look and see mistakes we made in the relationship. It seems to me that a profile with “he turned out not to be” the one suggest that all the blame lies on someone else. I wonder if he will always put the blame on others for other things as well.
“Oh well we live and learn,” is also a veiled negative statement. It is implied that something was bad in the relationship that is worthy of becoming a life lesson. I dislike this. It not only reduces the entire relationship to a life lesson, but it has a tone of superiority. It removes the emotions of anger and bitterness, and says oh I’ve learned, I’m better now. It is all fake and posing. He has risen above petty things and is fine.
With all the negative references, you should proceed cautiously. However, if you choose not to initiate contact with someone who’s profile has a negative reference, it is ok and you need not fell guilty. In time you can come back to the profile and see if he has updated and removed the negativity.
All profiles with references to a past relationship should be looked at cautiously. These references indicate anger at the ex boyfriend that is not being dealt with in the right ways. It could reveal the man has not yet started reestablishing his independence and is still seeing himself connected to the ex. A reference to a past relationship brings the ex boyfriend into the room, where he should not be.
