Online Rule #17: Regarding Smoking

Online Etiquette Rule #17:

Be Honest About Smoking

     The other night I was invited over to a man’s house who said he “smoked socially” on his profile.  My understanding about this phrase’s meaning is that the person: smokes at parties, bars, and other social situations.  When I arrived I could smell the stench of cigarettes coming from his house while I was standing outside and the door opened. I stayed there for about two and half hours, and he smoked on average one cigarette every half hour. He said he wanted to give me a massage but wanted to smoke a cigarette first. 

     I don’t smoke.

     Let me see if I understand this, you smoke socially and yet your house stinks, and I’m not smoking but you are still smoking while we are hanging out. Doesn’t sound socially to me.

     This man was dishonest about his smoking habits. I typically would call this person a liar, but I think the truth is, he lies to himself the most. He just doesn’t want to admit his true smoking habits to anyone, mostly himself. He’s the kind of guy who says, he can take it or leave it, and then puffs on his fourth cancer stick of the evening.

     Rule #17: Look at your smoking habits and be honest about them on your profile. If you smoke say it!

     For me there really are only two distinctions, you are a smoker or you are not. So regardless of how much you smoke if you smoke then you are a smoker. So say that on your profile. This goes also for people who smoke pot but do not smoke tobacco.  If you smoke pot, then you are also a smoker.

The do-you-smoke question is on many gay websites.  Some only allow for a yes or no, while most have the third classification of “Smokes Socially.” This has to be the most popular answer for this question, and yet I’m not sure I’ve met anyone who truly smokes socially. Let’s clarify what this means. 

Smokes socially means you smoke at the bars, you smoke at parties, you smoke in social gatherings with other smokers. A pack of cigarettes could last for several days or a week for you, unless you are going out to the bars every night. If we are on a date, and I’m a non smoker, a social smoker will not smoke. A social smoker should not smoke at home, should not smoke in his car, should not take smoke breaks at work. These are not truly social situations like a party. A person who drinks socially by comparison would never drive down the street with a beer, would never have a martini at work.

When you get to the do-you-smoke question: look at your smoking habits and be honest.

      I don’t enjoy spending time with smokers, so this is very important to me. I don’t like the way their breath smells, I don’t like the way their skin tastes, I don’t like the way I feel being in a smoky room. My clothes stink, my room and house stink, the car stinks.  But mostly, I don’t like living my life around a bad habit.

Be honest with yourself and with others about your smoking habits. If you are having a question about if you smoke or smoke socially, then the answer is you smoke. That is the most honest.

Marshall Online #13: No Drama

Marshall Online #13: 

When the profile says “No Drama”

     This we see often. There are three things I think it means and I think it is indicated by what he says.

     If he says “No Drama” or the like. This is a statement that should be read as a command. He is telling you to never give him any argument or hassle. So keep in mind any dating, sex dates etc are on his terms, and they can change as he wills. And when you question him on it, he tells you that you are giving him drama and makes you out to be the bad guy. Drop him, he’s the source of the drama.

     If he says he is “drama free and expects the same.” Runaway! He is not drama free, and he doesn’t understand why there is always drama around him: dude you are the common denominator. He is the source of the drama and enjoys it. Getting together with this guy will be filled with drama, count on it.

     If he says “No Drama”.  This could also reveal his past relationships. He could have just gotten out of a relationship that was filled with drama and just is shell shocked about it.  I think if that is the case, you’ll see him change his profile after a time, as he learns that drama isn’t the norm for most men. If you start chatting with him, he may tell you about it, or give you some hints.

     We all want to live our lives free from stress and drama. However, we are talking about matters of sex and love, and there is no way these will go without drama from time to time. But, I think there are people who make the drama (I think I’m guilty of this) and create it when it need not be. When a person like this meets someone who will not put up with the drama, their relationship will be short. But when two drama men meet, then they feed off of each other and blame each other for being the one with drama. Then post on their profile: No drama.

What I Expect of Christians

What I Expect of Christians

     With the debate about gay marriage getting hotter, and the end of DADT, it has come to my attention that a small discussion needs to happen where I explain what I expect of Christians regarding matters of homosexuality.

     I do not expect Christians to embrace my choice to live openly.

     I do not expect Christians to congratulate me on choosing not to hide being gay by lying to a woman and marrying her.

     I do not expect Christians to perform gay weddings in their churches.

     I do not expect Christians suggest sinful behavior liking having sex with a woman to make sure I’m gay.

     I do not expect Christians to change their beliefs or compromise them—in fact I expect them not too.

     I do not expect Christians encourage me to continue to do volunteer work within the gay community.

     What I do expect are these things:

     I expect that if Christians are going to quote the Bible and expect change, then I can quote the Bible and expect change. In fact, I expect when I remind them of their faults by pointing out how they are disobeying the scripture that they apologize, repent and obey the rules.

     I expect that if Christians can justify not following some of the rules in the Bible, that I can also justify me not following some of the rules.

     Mostly, what I expect of Christians is to be as Christ-like as they can. This is an expectation, it is required of you as followers of Christ, you do not have the option. I expect that when a friend of mine, who is a Christian, realizes that I’m gay, that he will continued to enjoy my company, he will invite me to dinner as he always has, he will join in my celebrations as he always has.

I expect that Christians, instead of showing me the face of anger, fear and scapegoating, that they show me the face of happiness in the Lord, they show me the same smiling face that Jesus showed the sinners of His day when he sat down and celebrated with them, enjoyed their company, shared meals with them.

I expect that Christians not only repeat the words “all have sinned and fall short of the Lord,” but they believe it, and understand their sins and seek repentance.

     I expect that when I meet a Christian, that I do turn and leave never wanting to get to know God. I expect that when we meet, I should see the joy of the Lord in Christ and consider that heaven might be a place I would want to go.

     I do not expect Christians to ever yell at me, taunt me or harass me. I expect the opposite. I expect that when Christians see me being abused they stand up for me, just as Christ stood up for the adulteress by stopping her execution.

     I expect that Christians become upset at those who would harm me, just as Christ was upset with those that would harm the adulteress.

     These are my expectations.

     

Marshall Online #12: Sex-chat

Marshall Online #12: Sex-chat

    

     We’ve all had sex chat I think. It happens so easily and without much effort that we are almost helpless to stop it. Even when we aren’t looking for sex chat, it slides in so quietly that we can hardly tell when it happens, until it is too late and we are chatting dirty. Sex chat isn’t bad, I don’t think, as long as we realize it is chat and not promises of liaisons.

     Sex chat is without a doubt gay erotica/porn online that is interactive. You need two people to do it, although I think more can happen too. This is really fantasy and nothing more. However, if you are sex chatting with someone in your area, make sure you don’t mislead him into thinking this is what you are really like: unless you are really like that.  Make sure that you are not making promises for tryst and that you are going to deliver something you cannot.

     Here are some tips to help you recognize the sex chat is about to start. With the hope, that you can catch yourself and stop it, if that is what you want. Even though these warning signs happen, one may not realize it, even after reading this. I know I don’t. If sex chat doesn’t bother you, then don’t worry about it, just keep reading and get some tips for effective sex chat.

     The converstation goes nowhere. This could be at the start of your chat life or in the middle of it. Suddenly you have little to say, and he has not given you much to say or to ask. But yet you are still chatting. You are saying about the same thing, what’s up, how you doing, what’s going on. Both of you are wanting something to happen. Like sitting next to each other just waiting on one to touch the other. This is pre sex chat.

     Not always does this develop into sex chat. Because both of you are unsure and shy about it, it may just stop there with bad meaningless converstation.  But if you send a subtle hint, he may respond. I’ve done it many times, and it works all the time. The next thing you know, you two are having some sex chat.

     He sends emoticons.  This can be as a greeting or in the middle of a converstation. He sends you a smiley face, and what he wants is sex chat. If you don’t believe me on this one, try it. Reply to that smiley face with: you look so hot in that second picture, yummm. He’ll reply, trust me.  I sometimes wonder if really the guy who greets with an emoticon just wants sex chat. I’ve tested this so much that I’m convinced that a guy who sends you a smiley face as a greeting wants you to reply with something sexual. This is with someone you’ve never chatted with before. Try it.

     Big Clues.  He’ll tell you he’s horny. He’ll mention his dick. He’ll say something slightly sexual. This is test to see if you reply in kind. If you do, the sex chat will be underway. This guy is not shy, and has lots of confidence.

     Finally, the Subtle Clue, “I wish you were here.” I get this all the time and for the longest time I had no clue what was going on. I wish you were here. Why? You don’t know me. We’ve just started chatting. But if you reply with: oh if I were there we’d be having fun, you’ll see a change in him quickly. He’ll reply in kind, he’ll keep that chat going, he’ll jump right on the chat. I don’t like this clue. It’s almost sad. It’s that I’m-so-lonely-please-love-up-on-me line.

     Oh and any kind of cuddle chat is sex chat see my blog entry on that Cuddle Chat is Sex Chat.

     But if you want sex chat, and that’s ok, here are some tips to becoming better at it. I consider myself a pro of sorts. Not because I’m a Casanova in person, but because I’m a creative writer. And what is sex chat but interactive creative writing.  But still, anyone can get good at this and anyone could be a pro. (Well most people.)

     Tip 1: understand this isn’t real, this is fantasy. So if you are a bottom and you are chatting with another bottom, you can sex chat as a top. This isn’t real, hell he more than likely lives half a world away, so you won’t called to prove your toppness. So when he makes the hint for sex chat; if you want, reply in kind and be the top. Explore what you would like out of a top. Explore your own dreams. See how he responds. He’ll like it, I’m sure.

     Tip 2: understand who you are chatting with.  This isn’t so easy, and may take some time, or have to back track some when you make errors. (But back track and correct and move on.) If you get a clue he’s not into something you said, don’t push it, move on. There is plenty to go by to figure him out some. Look at how he replies to understand him more. Are his comments shy and reserved: he may want you to take the lead. Are his comments forceful and strong: he may want you to follow.  Just pay attention to him, his comments, and how he types them. There is a difference between “Oh hell yeah,” and “nice”. If he replies with something that seems shy, then be more assertive, be more romantic, you can get him into it. If he replies with a comment about something else, stop the sex chat.  

     Tip 3: Be creative. You are creating a world, a sexual world, so be open minded and creative. There are no limits in sex chat of what you can do and where. You can set it on a beach, or in his house. You can tie him up, or be tied. You can caress his body or whip him. Make sure you are paying attention to your partner and keeping in line with what he is wanting, but otherwise go crazy. Explore ideas you’ve had and see how he replies. He may offer suggestions you had never thought about. Being creative is the most important. Be creative and go for it.

     Tip 5: type good sentences with descriptions. This is as important as tip 4.  Look at the difference between these two: “You’ll suck my dick,” and “I’d be on the chair and you’ll be on your knees in front of me, in that nice place where my legs touch your sides, you’ll feel my hand on the back of your head moving you to my crotch.” Yes one is longer I know but it makes for better sex chat.  The first one isn’t horrible, but it limits how I respond when I read it, how my mind responds and how my body feels at reading it. The first one limits that response to just my mouth or my crotch. And yes it is an “Or”. But the second one makes me feel more of my body and his body: hand on head, legs on the sides, and of course the mouth and crotch. This is more of a complete picture. Reading this will stimulate the mind’s imagination and he’ll love it.

It’s all in our heads, and the words we use stimulate our mind, our mind will stimulate other parts in turn.

     Tip 6: Cuddle at the end. Sometimes it happens that one of you get’s off during this. Make sure you cuddle at the end. Don’t just say: got to go. Take a few messages and tell him how much fun it was, tell him you’d do it again, tell him how hot he was. 

     Sex chat can be fun! But if it is not what you want then you need to get out of the chat. Simply, tell him you’ve got to go, or even “oh this is heading down a road I’m not ready for.” Being honest with your intensions and desires will help you stop sex chat right away. Stopping it before it starts is always best, so if you get a clue he’s heading down that path, stop it: do not reply in kind. If he says he’s horny, ignore it and ask about the weather. If he says he wishes you were there, tell him ‘well I’m not.”

     Sex chat is great as long as you stay open minded and honest. Don’t mislead people into thinking you are willing to do things you are not willing to do in person, but at the same time explore things. Just make sure he knows it is fantasy. I know it is hard to believe that people don’t know this, but they don’t always know it.

Rule #16: Flip Photos

Rule # 16: Flip Your Pictures Right Side Up

     This is a short entry, one I wish I didn’t have to make, but I do.

     I don’t know how many times I’ve come across profiles with photos on their sides or even upside down. Look I don’t want to go flipping my lap top to see what you look like. But thank goodness I can. If I were on a desk top, I’d have to flip my monitor. That’s just silly. So flip your pictures and then post.

     Your excuse of I don’t know how doesn’t hold water. It’s a simple set. You download the pictures; you look at them when you get to one that is on its side: you flip it, then save it. There is a button that has an arrow (one to the left, one to the right). All you do is click that and your picture turns. Like magic! Amazing all your friends, and helping you let others see you clearly and not think you are missing something upstairs.

     Rule #   : Flip your photos right side up.

Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friends Requests

Marshall Online #11: Dealing with Facebook Friend Requests

   

     One of my favorite websites is Facebook. I love it. I love being nosing and seeing what all of my friends are up to. I love seeing pictures of their trips, their families, their lives. I’m glad I get news from my friends from across the world. I feel closer to them.

     But one issue that comes up often for people who are not on Facebook is that they don’t want all those high school people wanting to be their friends.  This is a small issue, although somewhat complex, and easily fixed.

     Let’s talk first about what Facebook is. Facebook is a website that automatically will try to connect you to people you may or may not know. It does this by looking at possibilities of who you are friends with, where you went to high school, and maybe jobs or other ways (education etc.). The strongest seems to be high school, and linking you with friends of friends. 

     The purpose of Facebook is to allow you to keep up with your friends in an easy way. But it can be used for any reason you like: hooking up, pen pals, sharing ideas, keeping in touch. That is your choice.

     First know that every question asked by Facebook when you set up your account doesn’t have to be answered. If you feel your teen friends are not worth your time as an adult, don’t put your high school information down. It is that simple.

     But eventually, we are going to get friend requests from someone we don’t consider a friend. What to do?

     Know yourself and your boundaries.  Establish what you want out of Facebook and stick to the ways that will help you get what you want out of it.

     For those of you who want to find old friends, but not old enemies here are some suggestions.

     1: don’t worry about them; they may not be interested in you. Stop allowing them to dictate your enjoyment even as an adult. I have a few ex’s on Facebook. We are not friends and we don’t bump into each other. We live peacefully in our own lives and in our own space. How? By not worrying about the other.

     2: You get a request from a former enemy. Don’t accept it. That simple. If the person brings back many bad memories just ignore it or say no. Either is fine. You can block that person too. You are not forced to say yes, it is your right to say no. And don’t let the fear of the past get in your way today. And don’t let feelings that you are being rude affect you either. You are not, you were not friends it’s ok to say no.  

     2.1: You get a request from a former enemy. Keep an open mind. People change. You don’t want to be reminded of past evils I’m sure. There could be many reasons why that person is contacting you. Or they don’t remember high school being what you remember it. I’m sure one of my friends from HS doesn’t remember calling me the “Biggest Fag in Chesnee,” or how a group chastised me for not being the same religion as them, how I was hit while she yelled ‘who do you worship, the devil?’ And if they did, it is in the past. I’m willing to give them a second chance. (So far the religious one has not mention that at all, and neither have I, again it is in the past.) I don’t want people to hold stupid things I did in the past against me, so I don’t want to do that to them as well.

3: when someone you don’t remember fondly asks to be your friend. You can say yes, wait a few weeks until they have gone on with their lives, then delete them. That simple, really.

Many people on line doing this forget who they have requested. And will forget that you and he were friends.

In general, keep in mind: you are responsible for your own circle of friends; you do not have to allow someone you don’t like or who brings up bad memories for you. You can either not accept requests, or block the person, either is fine. It is only online after all.

Allow for peace in all situations. If you give someone a chance and they turn out to be the same as in HS, delete them, trim the fat and get on with your life.

Facebook is a place for you to relax, connect and enjoy good memories. It is not a place for intimidation. You are in charge of that not the other: block, delete, don’t accept.

           

Rules 14,15: Regarding .Locked Pictures and Flirts

Rule #14;  Unlock Your Photos When you Message someone.

     Some websites don’t require a person to show his face on the profile, as well as allowing members to keep photos private or locked.  If you contact someone, unlock your pictures when you do.

     This happens to me all the time, I receive a smile on Adam4Adam and I can’t see who smiled at me. It’s kind of creepy. It’s like having a stalker. So when you smile at someone, go ahead and unlock your photos so we can see who smiled at us.

     I feel that this is rude of the person and you don’t want to start any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise, with you being rude. So unlock the pictures when you sent the message. You can lock the again if you dislike the person.

     The excuse of being discreet doesn’t carry much weight with me. I find that it suggest you are ashamed of yourself in some way.  Is it that you are ashamed of being gay? Or of being on that website? Either way, you show me you are not comfortable with yourself and this doesn’t help me receive your smile or flirt and feel flattered.

     Of course some guys want to get ‘get to know’ you before they reveal who they are. Creepy! Again you are taking more than you are giving and the relationship is unbalanced.

     Fear not, reveal who you are and be polite.

     Rule #15   You Do Not Have to Reply to Smiles, Flirts, Ect if there is no face picture.

     There is no reason to encourage someone who is hiding.

     However, I sometimes reply with something like: I can’t see you. I can’t see your smile. Or why thank you person I can’t see. They never unlock their pictures.

     Don’t feel badly about it, just ignore it if you wish. See Rule #10.