The Added Superlative: If the Profile states “Partnered to the best, (or a great guy, or the most wonderful) Man”
There are other reasons for being on a social networking site besides sex and relationships. Social websites can develop many kinds of relationships from modern pen pals to long term dating, job networking. Some sites, like Eharmony, are clearly dating and matchmaking sites; Linkin is clearly networking. While others, like Bear411, Adam4Adam, can be used for so many reasons, but many on there are looking for a relationship, or tryst. If you are on one of these websites, you are bound to come across a profile with “partnered to the most wonderful man” (or the best, most handsome, or some other superlative adjective). The use of “most wonderful” is an Added Superlative; added without cause. The Added Superlative is a warning flag for you to proceed with this man cautiously, and slowly.
Making comparisons to real life situations help show how odd the Added Superlative is. If you were in a bar, and saw a man that you found attractive, you would make some eye contact, start a conversation. If he is partnered, within a short time in the conversation, he will let you know he is dating someone. This is done for honesty, and to let you know what you can expect from him (friendship, conversation that night in the bar). He will do this in a polite way so you don’t feel odd, and so the possibility for a friendship can remain. It will be a simple toss into the conversation: “oh yes that’s a great place to eat, my partner and I go there often.” It is subtle, but clear.
But it is only “my partner.” Nothing more.
How would it sound if he said this: “oh yes, that’s a great place to eat I go there often with my wonderful partner.”
The use of the Added Superlative jumps out at you, and sounds unnatural.
If we heard that in a bar, we would just walk away thinking the guy is odd. We might think he was bragging, or being little obsessed about his partner, who isn’t in the bar with him.
But online we accept strange behavior as normal and ok.
It simply doesn’t make sense. It sounds odd and unnecessary. When the superlative of Most Wonderful, or Most Attractive, or Best gets added it becomes a type of posing. It’s dwelling on what should be obvious: you are dating him, you must think he is attractive, you must think he is wonderful.
Why the need to tell us?
Indeed why does he feel the need to tell us this? I believe he would say something like it is the truth, and he loves him etc. But so often little things like this reveal so much about a person.
It is great that men find their partners attractive. And I think stating that is not a bad. But in an introduction an Added Superlative is a bit more information than needed. If the profile has: Partnered, five years. That’s enough. It lets me know he has a boyfriend, lets me know that it’s a long-term relationship. This tells me what I can expect from him (chat, or nsa sex, or friendship).
The Added Superlative could mean he is obsessed with his partner. He can’t think about anyone or anything else. He wants to talk about that wonderful guy. In this case he has lost is personality completely. He may have no hobbies, no interesting life to talk about. He is just some guy’s boyfriend. He was one of those guys who was obsessed with finding a partner, and didn’t feel complete until he had one. Good lucking finding him interesting. But if you do, and he loses his partner, you’ll find yourself with a depressed man with no independent life to help him through it.
The Added Superlative is a defensive addition. The use of the Added Superlative is an aggressive warning to you that comes to early. Comparing online life to interactions of face-to-face life: A person might point out that he is dating a handsome man, or a wonderful man, or a great guy, if you don’t seem to understand that he is taken. In this context he is telling you to back off, that he really likes his partner. Look you are nice but I have a wonderful partner. The addition of the superlative puts distance between you two.
The same could be said about on line interactions, the Added Superlative puts distance between you. But if you read this in a profile, he is telling you to back off before you’ve made a move.
It suggests insecurity in how he might handle your advances. By telling you this, he reminds himself: I am dating a great guy, he is a great guy, a wonderful guy, the most handsome, I don’t need anyone else. He is convincing himself not to sleep with anyone else, even before he is asked. It’s like he is practicing ahead of time. If you choose to exploit this, you could find yourself in a bad situation, because you’ve exploited an insecure person. He may cling to you more than you’d like.
When I come across the Added Superlative, I wonder what’s going on in that relationship? The first thing I think is: What’s wrong? What happened? What has recently happened that he is filled with love for his partner and he is telling others about his wonderful partner. Did he set up his profile after a major fight that was then resolved in a loving way, and he is at that moment overcome with how much he loves his partner? Has he been going through a difficult time and his partner showed incredible support and love? This could be a great story to hear. But I think in these cases when the person is wanting to share a wonderful story about himself and his relationship, he will allow it to emerge naturally.
In other cases the Added Superlative seems forced and odd. And could be a sign of some fighting going on at home, or a relationship in trouble. Kind of that over emphasis of positive things about the relationship, or a kind of showy display of everything is fine to hide that everything is not fine. In these cases, he is not trying to convince you but to convince himself.
If you discover this to be the case, I suggest staying away. You may find yourself being used by him in various ways, for emotional support and advice, for sex and emotional comfort. In this case instead of working on his problem alone or with close friends, he uses you to work through his problem. Also, what he does is act like he is working on the problem while ignoring it with his partner. This all seems like bad ways to resolve a troubled relationship.
It seems to me, the Added Superlative reflects some instability, so proceed cautiously. And know what you are potentially dealing with. This could be someone who is ready to end it with his great guy, or someone who is insecure in his ability to resist advances, or someone who is wanting to connect with others so he can talk about the issues in his wonderful relationship. Or even someone obsessed with is partnered he has no separate personality. When I come across these kinds of statements, I just pass the guy up. I have found too many times, that he will in the end start using me as a consoler. He’ll use me to work through his problems with instead of his face to face friends.
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