Online Etiquette Rule #1, Start Out Simply and Small

Start out Simply and Small

            When you’ve found a profile of a man you’d like to chat with and get to know: Start the Chat with a short, simple greeting.

            So often when we find someone we really like, we want to impress him by reading his profile and starting off with a great initial message.   Sometimes someone will read my profile, and send me a long message connecting with something on my profile, and connecting with something else on my profile, sharing a like experience, commenting on something he found agreeable, criticizing something he found disagreeable, and finally asking some vague question like “how are you.”

            This is a mistake.

            How would you feel if you were in a bar someone suddenly walked up to you with a long opening hello? You’d just stand there looking dumbfounded. You might even think: he’s more interested in hearing himself talk than with talking with me.

Starting off with a long message overwhelms the recipient.  Visually it hits the recipient hard. Most chat messages are short then a novel arrives and Bam!  It is just too much. Plus by addressing a couple of things at once or asking multiple questions, you demand a lot of time from someone who doesn’t know you. You are investing too much into him without a connection being established. This is kind of creepy, like a stalker.

            Start out simply and short! It is the best way, and eases both of you into a conversation. This is how you’d do it in face to face interactions, so do it on line.  

            Try to make your online life as much like face to face life as possible.  In person you’d see a man you’d like to meet and you’d start with eye contact, you’d move over and say hello, and start a conversation. You might talk about basic things and then move more deeply.

            Online is the same: start with eye contact.  In online world this is done by signing a guestbook, or by winks (etc.) This changes from website to website. Usually it is a message that you send from a selection of messages: “you’re hot,” “Great Profile”.  Many people dislike this but it is a great way to establish some eye contact and ease into the conversation. If he isn’t interested in you, just like in person, he will look away.  If he is interested, he will reply with something short like “thank you.”

It is now up to you get the conversation going.  Now you can move into referencing his profile, or asking a question about something in his profile.  But as a suggestion: try not to make it too involved or controversial.

If there isn’t this kind Guestbook message on your site, keep your initial contact short and simple: hello, how are you? Hello, I like your profile.  You can do a compliment if you like, as long as it isn’t just one word.   It all sounds silly, but it is much nicer than having to deal with a long message from someone I don’t know. 

Handsome.  Hot. Nice.  Yes!  One word initial messages should be avoided as well, for the same reason. You are showing the man you don’t have social skills.  Is that really what you want to accomplish?

Words like “Woof!” “Grrrr” belong to the Bears. If you are a bear or like bears, you can send that as an initial message.  However, not every bear likes this kind of language, and it could be a hit or miss.  You could also fall into the same category as a one word message.   In general, if he thinks your picture is hot, he will respond well. But keep in mind one word initial messages, even of this kind, should be avoided.

I’m not as familiar with other groups like I am with bears, so if your group has similar ways to compliment, this rule will still apply: not everyone likes it, just be carful. Often people will state this on their profile, so make sure you read it completely. 

When starting out with these simple messages, do not start with an emoticon only. Starting with an emoticon only doesn’t give much for us to reply to because it isn’t a language we speak. No one walks up to you in person and says “Smiley Face”.  And if someone walked up to you and just smiled, you’d think he was crazy. 

How should we reply to an emoticon? With an emoticon? What does smiley face mean? I don’t know.  I just feel annoyed when it happens.  You don’t want to start your chat life with someone by annoying him.

Starting with just an emoticon indicates to me that the person doesn’t know how to have a conversation.  (This can be true for winks too, but I’ve not found it as often.) 

It is important to remember that initial messages are like eye contact in a bar.  Keeping it short and simple gives the recipient a chance to ease into meeting you without feeling bombarded or attacked.